Worship Fix

I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm going to anyway. Sometimes, when I'm leading worship I don't actually feel especially worshipful. Okay, it's out now, so I'll explain.

Fortunately, during my second period of co-ordinated field, I did feel I was worshipping as well as leading others in worship. I had also experienced that doing pulpit supply in a couple of locations. So I know it is possible to do both. I very much doubt I could be an effective minister wherever I will serve if I had to get my worship 'fix' elsewhere. That would be just so draining and, I'd imagine, could led to disillusionment and/or burn out. Not good.

During my first placement I found it difficult to be worshipful at times. That arose from a whole load of issues, including knowing I'm being assessed, waiting to be criticised (sometimes, in hindsight, unfairly) and the general style of worship not really being what fitted me. But I didn't seek worship elsewhere, though did appreciate the weekly communion at New College.

During my summer placement, that all changed. The church 'fitted' me. It's not that I wasn't being assessed, but I knew it would be fair and supportive, from congregation and minister alike. There were things they did I hadn't experienced in a 'standard' Sunday service, such as singing a reflective hymn seated, immediately followed by a period of silence (for about 2 minutes). Or shaking hands with the congregation at the start (I never really became comfortable with that, but I could see the merit in it). But there I felt God's presence; was very aware that everything I was doing in worship was me worshipping God and, in doing so, leading others to worship. This summer, there really was nowhere else I would rather have been,

Now, at Caledonia Kirk, I feel the least worshipful I have ever felt. After preaching yesterday, I felt emotionally and physically drained in ways I have never experienced. I suppose its not helped by not being to come to God in the prayers (as they are either so brief they are over before they have begun or feel more like rambling monologues on the prayer leader's pet topic, so it stops being inclusive) or the songs (they don't like me calling them hymns) as not only do I not know them, but I struggle to sing with any sincerity, as I disagree with some of the theology of some. At Eagleside, it was often the hymns which got me to the worship place I needed to be in.

So, what do I do? Well, there's always listening to UCB (which even 6 months ago I would have dismissed out of hand), but that does not really cut it for me, as I feel worship needs to be communal activity. So, I'm seeking out churches near Caledonia Kirk with an earlier morning service, where there is time to get to 'wrok' in time. Though I was tired after preaching yesterday, I dread to think how drained I would have been if not for my worship fit earlier that morning.

And, at the other church in the city, I was asked on the way out if I sang in a choir. And that church has a very good choir. No, I won't be joining, as I'm just a wee bot busy at the mo!

The same, but different

While trying to visit other churches before beginning my third placements, I have been struck by the variety, yet sameness of the worship. I hope that's a good thing, though I wonder if the way the 'usual' church service in the Kirk lends itself to allowing all to get closer to and know God in ways they couldn't?

Yet a few of the churches I have visited have been full, with members and regular attendance increasing, rather than decreasing, so they must be doing something wrong. And it's not possible to have a one size fits all model for worship, yet the services did have that feel to them, but didn't at the same time..which is an interesting paradox.

Just thoughts at the moment. Nothing more.

Reaching outwith the walls

So, on Sunday I went to the linkage of my home church. I know, I was looking for somewhere where I wouldn't be know, but they are the sort of people who are supportive and understanding that I was there to be rather than do. One of the many reasons I love those people.

So, rather than have to sit through the same service twice, while Spot was busy at our home church, I went for a bit of a walk and picked up the few odds and sorts we needed. Although the street was quietish, there were a reasonable number of people around and, as 12 o'clock approached, the numbers were growing. I suspect there were more people worshipping the god of retail between 11 and 12 on Sunday than were in all the local churches combined.

Which made me think that's exactly where the church should be. Not in the old (quite often neo-Gothic) buildings where they don't want to go, but beside people, in the real world. Being where people are, rather than expecting people to be where the church is.

I know it's idealistic and, given I am called to parish ministry, not easy to do (though, where's there's a will, there's a way!). I also know people will argue that Jesus went to the synagogue to teach. True, but it wasn't just there - he also taught were people were.

So, should the church maybe even occasionally have a service at 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning where people are. To actually have a service at the 'normal' time where people are, not for it to be an add, evening or mid-week service. Yes, there would be opposition (from church as well as non-church people), but I could argue part of the Christian calling is to do the right thing and spread the gospel in the face of opposition. (Oh, good grief, it sounds like I am an evangelist and that is a bit too much of a loaded word for my liking!).

So, there's a challenge for me. And, I would say, the whole Kirk, as it faces the many issues it will have to deal with over the next few years. But as long as God is in all the Kirk does, everything should turn out well.

Where to worship?

So, now I've 'finished' with my first placement (though I know I will be processing what I've learnt for many years to come), the question of what to do on a Sunday arises.

I could go to my home church. Still at the back and enjoy. Or, I could try another church, even of a different denomination. It would be nice to go somewhere were I could just blend into the background and just worship. (I know worship is as much about being part of a community, but sometimes it's nice just to be, not to do).

Having looked at the range of options, it's not going to be easy finding somewhere that I am not know by someone (welcome to the world of ministry I hear people cry). To go somewhere else (and if they are welcoming - that most loaded of statements), would I be abusing their welcome in just being there to get anonymity?

So, I will see what Sunday brings.

Mention God. Please!

Eagleside uses a range of worship music - organ, praise band and singing to CDs of Christian bands and singers. I've definitely increased to a certain extend my range of worship music knowledge (doesn't mean I have to like them, though!).

One song I have been introduced to is "Welcome Everybody" by Fischy Music. It's a simple, upbeat tune that's everyone at Eagleside seems to enjoy. I must admit I like it myself, but there is something about it which doesn't ring true and I couldn't put my finger in it. And it came to me today. Look at the lyrics:

Here we are together, now we can begin
The youngest and the oldest, the only child, the twin
Some who’re feeling left out and some who’re feeling in
Gathering in this place

Welcome everybody, it’s good to see you here
Welcome everybody, it’s good to see you here
Welcome everybody, it’s good to see you here
Gathering in this place

Here we are together, joining in this song
Even those who feel that their singing’s not that strong
And as we sing may every person know that they belong
Gathering in this place

Welcome everybody, it’s good to see you here…
Here we are together, with our hopes and fears
Bringing many feelings, our laughter and our tears
And now it’s time for everyone to tell the world, “WE’RE
HERE!”
Gathering in this place

Welcome everybody, it’s good to see you here…

 Can you see what's missing? God, and any mention thereof.

So, it's a nice upbeat, inclusive song, with a easy to follow tune. By, with no mention of God at all, not even in the vaguest of terms (and given we are trinitarian, there is range of persona of God that can be used - plenty to choose from). So, why is this deemed worship music? Because it's written and performed by a Christian band? So, does anything by Alice Cooper these days count as suitable for worship? I don't think so, even though he is Christian.

Sorry, but for me this song is not a worship song. It's a good intro to a gig for youngish children, who are the demographic that Fischy Music are aimed at. So, if that's the case, can I have the next children's hymn as a number from the Singing Kettle, please? I'm sure I could find a song they perform with similar sentiment to this one. Oh, I forgot, they don't promote themselves as Christians, so their music would not be suitable. Well, neither should music which doesn't, even in vague terms, mention God.

I now await pelters...

Sharing Food

Eagleside had a Passover-style meal last night. It was an abridged version of a Jewish passover meal, with most of the ritual and symbolism they would include. The twist was the inclusion of references to the Last Supper, being the disciple's Passover meal on the night Jesus was arrested.

Generally, it was quite interesting and something I would consider trying in the future. One of the people there did ask if I now had my first Easter in my first charge sorted, but I said that might be too much for the first year and it would depend on having appropriate catering.

A couple of observations:

1. Last night was the tables were set up in groups, rather than one big cluster of tables. Consequently, there were some who had their backs to the speaker (I was among them). Given the size of the group, I think it may have been possible to have everyone around one big table, but the group size was boarder-line for that.
2. As I was driving, I did not have the wine available. Traditionally, wine is taken throughout the Passover meal and there were non-alcoholic alternatives available. When I refused the wine, someone mentioned it would only be a few sips I was having and I think they were quite taken aback when I mentioned I don't drink and drive at all and believe there is no safe limit. So now I think they see me as a bit of a prude. Well, I'd rather be one of them than have an accident. Even if I was under the limit, I would always wonder if alcohol played a part. That was one of the circumstances were, had I been the minister leading the meal, I would have either not driven or not drunk. I am all too aware ministers should try to do things which would not let others stumble (and I know no-one's perfect, least of all ministers and especially not me). But I do feel if people see you taking a particular course of action, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable, yet they see as perhaps the right thing to do they will respect and, hopefully, follow. Though I have to ensure they are following Jesus and not me.

At the end of the meal a couple of people were asking when I finish my placement. Officially it's Pentecost and I told them that, but also said I may leave a week or two before that so I have a break before my next placement. They all wanted to make sure they got to say goodbye and that it would be great if I could go back. I did let them know I wasn't in a position to have another placement there, though may visit.

One person told me there were people who didn't want me to leave and to stay to become their assistant minister. A great complement, though I wonder who 'we' are. Very humbling, though. But perhaps a congregation is more forgiving of a 'minister' if they know she is just there for a short period of time! Or perhaps I am being too hard on myself and accept people seem to have taken me to their hearts and the congregation appears proud to have been involved in my development and growth.

That was better

The service at Eagleside went well today. I'd like to say I thoroughly enjoyed it, but as I was leading it, I was a little nervous. Actually, I did get something from it, as though the words I was speaking were as much for me as the congregation. Enjoyment wouldn't be the best word to describe how I felt, though; and I can't think of a better one!

So, positives, negatives.

Good:

• Clear voice (yea it's that again) and good pace I think I may have even managed to vary speed a little to stop it sounding too much like a monotone. It'll be useful to listen to the service to get a sense of whether that really came across or not.
• The children's address worked well (thankfully). The children were engaged with the illustration (though I probably used the word awesome too much, but that wasn't to be "down with the yooff", I do actually say that) and interacted with me (obviously the scary factor's waring off). When all the children, in their enthusiasm, answered my question at once, I gently told them I couldn't listen to them all at the same time and asked to take turns. That worked well, all who wanted to contribute go their chance and they respected others (and me, I think) at the same time. As they were mainly fairly young, I kept the concept at an appropriate level from them and didn't whitter on too long at them. They seemed to respond very favourably to it. Feedback I received afterwards generally supported this, some of which was from current and former teachers!
• The service flowed. There was a common theme in the hymns, readings, prayers, children's address and sermon. That was as planned and I do think it's important that's the case.
• I didn't panic when someone else got up to do the prayers of intercession. I had prepared to led that, but just went with the flow and didn't regard it as "my ball". I also didn't make a fuss about it at all - either during the service or afterwards. It wasn't their fault and it's good an extra voice in the service, rather than one the whole way through.
• I generally presented the sermon well, though not entirely and the will be covered in bad points. I linked well with the bible readings, used images well (as a picture tells a thousand words), went at a good pace and gave encouragement and pause for thought.
• I tried to speak to the whole congregation during all elements, both in terms of the words, but also through attempting to make eye contact with the whole congregation and not just talking to those immediately in front of me.

 Bad:

• I perhaps should have explained why I was exploring the theme I was using during the service at the beginning. I did hear one person wondering why I was covering it at this time of year.
• I was nervous. (Though is that really a bad thing?)
• During the sermon, I started well. I knew that bit quite well and did deliver it without referring to my notes, but there were some bits I slightly stumbled on or I was a wee bit up-and-down looking at them and that may have given the impression I didn't know what I was saying (or that I was nervous). At one point, slightly going off notes (though still on topic) my mind went totally blank. After what seemed like an eternity (probably less than 2 seconds) I moved on. Thought that was better than having everyone staring at me and me getting more in a fankle than I was already. And, finally, I may have ended the sermon a bit sharply, though feedback I received was mixed in that regard - some thought I could have been more sharp! I did feel, though, that even a short prayer would have drawn it together better than I actually did.

So, overall, I'd say it went well. Feedback was mainly positive and the whole service seemed well received. I know people don't like being critical, but there was genuine warmth in their comments. Also, as touch on, there was criticism, but constructive and things for me to be aware of and build on.

And, as a final aside. A regular visitor to Eagleside was chatting to me after the service. His home church regularly has ministry candidates training there. He said some are good, some less so good. He told me he thought I was in the best category. That was a great boast to me, while very humbling at the same time. God knows how I do it (and I do mean that literally).

Worship music and singing

Another church, another Sunday. As I look towards beginning placements and uni, I have to admit I have been avoiding my home church. I'm aware I need to let go and move on, but in the knowledge there will always be welcome there and spotthegerbil and I are in their prayers.

So, the church I was visiting today had a praise band. Now, I'm sure they all are reasonable players of their respective instruments, IF I COULD HEAR THEM! Rather, they played, or should I say jammed to, a recording of a Christian singer's recording of the song. So not only could I not hear the band, I felt more as though I was listening to a gig or might as well had a CD (oh, how old-fashioned) on in the car. The way the praise music was used did not lend itself to leading worship and some of the words of the songs did not make sense, but as I can't remember the titles, I can't specifically comment!

But there was some hymns not "led" by the praise band and they worked better. I know I was the visitor, but I very much didn't feel the congregation were into the praise band-led music either.

Once again, I was complemented on my singing voice. This time is was "beautiful". Maybe I have improved over time as that's not the first (or second or third time) that's happened. Only seems to work when I am singing from the heart...

Which reminds me of a story I heard once. There was a monastery in France where the monks would praise God with their singing every morning, noon and night. They sang with all their hearts, but, boy, were they terrible. To say they could not hold a tune in a bucket was being kind.

One day, they heard of a travelling monk in their area, who was renowned for his singing voice. So they invited him to sing for them during their evening service. No one in the monastery had heard a voice so beautiful as that monk's voice. During that service, they thought they were giving God something truly wonderful to hear.

That night, an angel appeared to the Abbot in a dream. "Why were you not singing tonight?" the angel asked.
Terrified out of his wits, and somewhat confused, the Abbot told the angel about the traveling monk who had sung for them that night.
Confused the angel told the Abbot not a word had been heard in heaven "For you make the most wonderful music and all heaven listens".
The Abbot laughed and told the angel "But no one in this monastery can sing. We are all terrible singers".
"Ah" replied the angel, "but you sing with your hearts. That is why it is the most beautiful music in heaven".

Whether this is true or not, I do not know. But that is what I try to do. Otherwise, what else are we not giving over to God in worship? Of course, it depends on the song/hymn and many other factors.

Talking to and responding to God

How do you feel about prayer? Do you think you need special words or place? Watch this and be reassured.

Ever wondered what worship really is? This video sums it up really well and is entertaining.

Third Sunday Lent Year C

Yesterday's services, even if I do say so myself, went really well. Everything came together well, I felt my presentation was good, even when I had to deal with the technical hitch of the mic failing (I need it for the T-loop and the recording of the service, I don't have a quiet voice!); and the congregations engaged well with me and the worship.

Comments included:

"I really enjoyed the service."

"I really like the way you put things."

"Thank you for being so good with my grandchild. She really enjoyed being involved." (There was only 1 child at the second service - the rest are probably still trying to get home!).

"I really enjoyed your sermon. I know that [Acts] reading really well and had never thought if it like that. Thank you"

"Every time you're involved in worship you are getting better and better. Well done."

"All you said really spoke to me. I could tell it came from the heart. Wonderful."

And the best one...

"You looked really smart in that jacket." (Just to make sure my head won't get to big! It's amazing the difference a suit jacket makes. I was wearing my normal jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt with it.)

So, if think it went down well. With that in mind, I thought I'd post my sermon. The readings were Isaiah 61:1-3 and Acts 9:1-20.

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken?

Was it moving to a new town, where you knew no one?

Was it quitting your job to travel the world?

Was it setting up your own business?

Whatever it was, those who knew you probably thought you were totally off your head. What are they doing that for?

A while ago at work, one of my colleagues took a career break to pursue her music career. She thought if she didn't do it, she never would. It was a risk. There would be no steady income, bills still to pay and she might really enjoy doing it in her spare time, but all the time – that's quite a different matter.

Many people she worked with just didn't get why she'd take that risk, pretty much for those reasons. They just couldn't understand why someone would give up all security to pursue something they loved.

But that was the point – to pursue something she loved.

Ananias, along with all the people of the way – followers of Jesus weren't yet called Christians - , was not having a good time. The priests, the Pharisees, their friends and neighbours, the Romans – everyone seemed against them. They were, so the Jewish leaders felt, contradicting all Jewish teaching, worshipping other Gods and blaspheming Jehovah. The Romans didn't appreciate them either as they had a king other than Caesar. Not a great way to make friends and influence others in the middle east 2000 years ago.

No doubt, the Christians in Damascus had heard of the stoning of Stephen. Earlier in Acts, we are told how Stephen was called before the high priests to argue his case. He used his knowledge of Jewish scripture, our old testament, to attempt to show the Jewish authorities what he, and the people of the way, were following on from the Jewish tradition and the scriptures had foretold all that would happen to the Messiah.

And the priests and other people questioning him didn't like what they heard. Especially when he had a vision of heaven just as they dragged him outside to stone him to death. Blasphemy!

And who was there at the stoning? Paul, who was still know by his Hebrew handle of Saul. “The witnesses left their cloaks in the care of a young man named Saul” Acts 7:58 tells us.

Paul was in the thick of the persecution of the first Christians. As we heard in our reading from Acts, Paul was intent on bringing the people of the way from Damascus back to Jerusalem for trial which, no doubt, would have found them guilty of blasphemy, resulting in death by stoning. Word had it the Christians had fled to Damascus, in modern Syria, to move into another jurisdiction, which many have been more welcoming of them.

At this point, it's pretty safe to say Paul was quite a nasty piece of work in relation to the Christians. Nothing and no one was going to get in the way of the true Jewish law. Anyone who followed the way, who proclaimed Jesus as Messiah and Son of God was guilty of blasphemy and scripture deemed they should be stoned to death for this crime against God

Paul was prepared to travel long distances in his pursuit of the people of the way. Jerusalem to Damascus is about 140 mile and Paul may well have travelled on foot. Whatever his mode of transport, it would have taken him at least a week.

7 days to ponder his mission.

7 days to think and consider the problem of the people of the way

7 days towards transformation.

Imagine what Paul was doing and thinking about during his journey. Then we might understand better what happened to Paul.

As far as he was concerned, he was travelling for the glory of God and the righteousness of the Jewish people. God's glory which was being tainted by these followers of Jesus. No doubt, on the long journey he prayed and meditated.

And I wonder what God thought when he heard those prayers. Prayers persecuting his son and followers of his son. Perhaps he was angry. Angry that someone who knew scripture as thoroughly as Paul did not see, could not comprehend, that Stephen and all the followers of the way were right. Jesus was the messiah; Jesus had risen and is the son of God.

But the amazing thing is, what God chose to do. He chose to appear to Paul on the road, through the risen Jesus in a heavenly light. In spite of Paul's religious fervour for his mission, he was terrified. As Luke tells us in Acts:

“He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul! Why do you persecute me?”

“Who are you, Lord?” he asked.

“I am Jesus, whom you persecute,” the voice said.”

Whom you persecute. Jesus is telling Paul all those times he's stood and watched the people of the way being stoned, maybe even gathered evidence against them and now pursuing them to Damascus he isn't just persecuting those people as individuals. No, he has directly persecuted Jesus.

When Jesus' followers are persecuted, Jesus – God incarnate – is targeted.

Instantly, Paul is converted. He couldn't physically see, but he had seen God and was a changed man.

The men he was travelling with had to help him finish his journey. Those men would have only been there for his protection. As a Pharisee. Paul would not have associated with those men. Now, he was fully reliant on them.

Already life was changing in totally unexpected ways for Paul.

And them we get back to Ananias.

Firstly, God calls Ananias by name - calls him by name - and Ananias answers “Here I am Lord”. No fear, no avoidance. Just straightforward answering God when he called.

God tells him of Paul. Where to find him and that Paul has had a vision of Ananias healing him and allowing him to see again.

At this point, Ananias was a bit reluctant to go and lists off all the reasons why he shouldn't be going anywhere near Paul:

The terrible things Paul has done to God's people and Paul's mission to arrest all people of the way in Damascus. Given the stoning of Steven, among others, I can't say I blame Ananias for, how can I put this? Bringing his concerns to God!

Despite Ananias', for want of another phrase, pleading with God not to go, he went.

Paul was cured of his blindness, received the holy spirit and was baptised.

Paul then began his mission from God. A mission to serve God – not the priests or other Pharisees – and spread God's way of love and grace and forgiveness “among the gentiles and Kings and people of Israel”.

This mission was one only Paul could fulfil. His conversion was a total transformation from all which he'd stood for before. But, more importantly, his knowledge and understanding of scripture was amazing. He was the one person who could do God's work in this way.

He was the only one able to do this, and help to fulfil Isaiah's words:

“The Sovereign Lord has filled me with his Spirit.

He has chosen me and sent me

To bring good news to the poor,

He has sent me to proclaim

That the time has come

When the Lord will save his people “

But, he was only able to do this because Ananias had gone when God called. Although it may have meant death, Ananias trusted all God told him and went where God sent him.

If he hadn't done so, would we be here? Much of the early Christian message was spread by Paul. And it wasn't just kept for the Jewish people. It was taken, by Paul, to everyone - Jews and gentiles alike. Eventually all the way to Rome.

All because Ananias did as God asked.

He didn't doubt God's word. He didn't doubt all God had told him.

He trusted God, he went where God sent him and Paul was cured of his physical blindness, received the holy spirit and the rest, as they say, is history.

So how about us?

Would we have done the same thing Ananias did?

Would we trust God and go to into a potentially dangerously situation with the love and grace of Ananias? Ananias even went as far as to call Paul brother. Paul, who has been persecuting Christians throughout Jerusalem and is supposed to be doing the same in Damascus. Brother. One of the family. One of us.

Would we have had the courage?

Today, here, Ananias' actions are as important as they were 2000 years ago. And we can learn from them.

When God calls it can seem a crazy idea, dangerous thing he wants us to do. He wants us to spread his good news, of grace and love and forgiveness, to all. Yes, that can be difficult, especially when the task God has for us is dangerous and either us our family or friends will be mocked or shunned or persecuted because of our beliefs.

But we don't, do we?

We shirk away from going when God calls. We come up with arguments why we aren't the right person, why it's someone else's job.

But God is never wrong when he calls. He calls us all for a reason.

It might be a big call, like Paul, to take the good news to those who haven't heard it.

It might be the small call of showing God's grace and love in our day to day lives.

Whatever God calls us to do, we need to trust in him and follow.

No matter how dangerous, how weird, how preposterous his call may seem.

He knows it is difficult. He knows the path will not be easy and there will be many obstacles to overcome along the way, but he is in control and will prepare the way ahead for us.

He will not give any of us too much to do. Too big a task we couldn't manage. Beside, we wouldn't be doing it on our own, the holy spirit would sustain, lead and uplift us.

So, will you go when God calls you by name?

Will you go and bring good news to the poor, to heal the broken-hearted, to show God's love and grace and forgiveness to all. No matter how difficult and dangerous that task may be.

Trusting God will keep his promises to you.

Then, maybe, just maybe, through you he can keep his promises to all his people.

Now, wouldn't that be amazing?

It left me cold.

My hubbie and I were away to York over the weekend. While there, we went along to St Michael le Belfrey church for Sunday worship.

It's the proper parish church right next to the minster. Not being fully knowledgeable of Church of England practices, I'm not too sure of the distinction. Anyway, we arrived shortly before 11am and the praise band were warming up. We did get a really good welcome from a member of the congregation who explained what went on etc. Unfortunately, with the praise ban warming up, it was hard to hear her at times, but fair play for making the effort.

For some reason, which I'm not too clear about, they serve refreshments mid-service. That gave my hubbie and I a good point to depart semi-discreetly.

Why, you may ask. Well, it didn't feel as though worship had started, although it had apparently been going on for 35-40 minutes by that point. The two people leading worship had introduced themselves and let everyone know the order of things (useful for visitors) and we'd sung a few songs. We'd even been invited to discuss with someone next to us something we didn't understand (my hubbie and I looked at each other and in unison said "Quantum mechanics").

Yet during those parts, members of the congregation still chatted among themselves. It just felt like we were waiting for something to happen. Like, when you were a kid and you were waiting on a visitor or a bus to take you on a trip and they were late. The teacher would get you to sing songs until they arrived to keep you occupied and entertained. It felt very like that

Or, put another way. The hymn "As the deer pants for water" has the line "I long to worship you". That's what the part of the service we endured felt like longing to worship. Well,get on with it then!!!

To there credit, the church was pretty full, but I couldn't and still can't keep thinking it felt more like a white (almost all) 30-40 something middle class club. Perhaps I'm too harsh. If that's what brings them closer to God, fair play. I felt further away.

It all came together.

Yesterday's service went really well. At the first service, there were no children, unfortunately. I tried doing the children's address with the congregation and it just wasn't working. I needed children to come up with various answers to why trees look dead in winter. A bit too obvious for adults. So, I just moved on with the rest of the service.

I feel I paced myself well. I didn't go too fast or slow and definitely felt much more relaxed, but not in a complacent way, than when I preached the sermon at my home churches three weeks ago. That's a combination of being in churches, rather than halls, so I knew where I was going to stand etc. It's not I object to worship in non-church buildings; after all, the church is the people. No, I need to get used to being that little bit more exposed. There's no lectern or pulpit to stand behind. I know it's a strange one and I need to be aware of, but moving on with yesterday's service...

At my "proper" home church, the children's address went really well. The children (about 20 varying in age from 2-12 years old) responded to me and my questions. One of the children made "a bird and the bees" type comment. I answered his comment without putting him down, if that makes sense, and moved onto another section of the children within about 5 seconds. That was a can of worms I didn't want opened! After the service my minister comments how impressed she was at me going from a picture of a tree in winter to the parable of a fig tree. Again, I felt it came together well, but it's reassuring to hear that from others, especially an experienced minister as my one is.

After the service, many people thanked me, though it was pretty much "nice service" or "well done". They are positive comments, but not very constructive, unfortunately. One comment which did stand out for me was from a member at the first service. "Thanks for that, Mrs G, your sermon really spoke to me and has left me with a lot to think about". She didn't expand and I didn't ask, but I thought perhaps God knew that one person needed to hear some of what I had to say. More likely, God directed me to say what I did in order the sermon spoke to that person the way He needed it to.

If only one person is touched that way I have helped do God's work.

Encouraging comments

I lead prayer in my home church again today. My minister had strayed from the lectionary and the theme of the service was "be love". A very tenuous link with Valentine's day.

I received a very positive response from both congregations. One comment which stood out was "You speak very well. You're very clear and go at a good pace." I feel I do that, but it's reassuring to hear it from someone else.

One comment which is recurring at both congregation goes something along the lines of "You're doing so well, Mrs Gerbil. What stage in your training are you?" I explain the situation, that I'm in the selection process. The answer is "Oh, I have no doubt you'll do well. No doubt at all". These are good and encouraging comments. Though, it has to be said, my home church's congregation is going to be slightly bias!

My minister's Mum was visiting today. She, too, is a minister. After the service she caught up with me and thanked me for my prayers. She also asked about my going through the selection process for ministry and where I was with that. I filled her in. She told me "From what I saw today I would be surprised if you didn't get selected" I thanked her. Apparently she used to be a selector at selection schools.

I suppose I could be doom and gloom and say these people care about me and want me to do well. But I won't. I am going to treat them as intended - encouragement from God through others that the path I am following is His.

No pressure - just speak for God.

I started writing the sermon for Sunday last night and, I have to say, it's coming together quite nicely. It's not finished - I gave up at 7:45 and hadn't had dinner! - but I know where I want to take the rest of it.

Then it'll just need re-read, tweaked and added to over the next couple of days.

I hope it lives up to expectations, though. As I'm working with my minister on this service, I e-mailed her my initial thoughts on Sunday. Her reply was "Sounds really good".

As long as I speak the words God needs my home church to hear, I think that'll be enough.

Same talk, different reactions

I was doing the children's address at both my home church and its linkage. The linkage came first and I feel it went well there. I got the message across well and had a bit of interaction with the (two) children there.

It was okay, but could have been better at my home church. There were about 15 children there yesterday and a fair few don't know me as they've started coming (or come back) during my 2 placements. Because I didn't know the children, I couldn't get the same interaction as I did at the linkage (I pretended to ignore one of the children). I think I should have prepared a volunteer to help with this and not necessarily a child.

No much to worry about, but I know I need to be aware of this.

Holding my light under a bushel

I spent last night working with one of my ministers as we are jointly leading worship on 7th February. I had looked over the lectionary readings and the outline from the resources my home church uses (Seasons of the Spirit) briefly and had laughed at 2 of the readings. Namely Isaiah 6:1-8 and Luke 5: 1-11, as they are both about calls. God calling Isaiah to be a prophet and Jesus calling the first disciples. Just my luck the first service I've planned with one of my ministers and after my local review is about call. My minister did tell me she'd laughed too. Thanks.

Looking over the meeting, I could have prepared a little more before hand, but as is was the first time I'd worked this closely with my minister preparing a service I didn't want to go the other way and have it all prepared before I even got there. Also, I can be a little backward in coming forward, especially around people I know have more knowledge and experience than I do. I know I don't have to be like this especially with my ministers and I know I'll need to get better at it.

My home church is part of a linkage and one of the churches is having communion on that Sunday, so 2 slightly different order of services were agreed on to accommodate this. I did learn my ministers try not to have the same hymn more than once ever 6 months so they don't keep picking their favourites. They aren't really strict about this as occasionally they will have members of the congregation requesting hymns which are special to them for anniversaries and such-like. I like this idea as there are plenty of hymns to choose from and different hymns speak to different people in different ways. If I start regularly leading worship at a church I will create a spread sheet to track this.

Once we had the order of service worked out we needed to divi-up who was doing what. The only obvious bit from the 2 services we my minister would lead communion. I wasn't sure I could think of how what road to go down with the sermon, so initially said I'd do the children's address and prayers. While my minister put her son to bed I had a look at the notes on the readings in the Seasons of the Spirit resources for that week, which focused on the Luke passage. When my minister came down I commented:

"You know, I wonder what the fishermen really said to Jesus, or thought under their breath? "Here's that jinner coming to give us advice. Here we are, experienced fishermen, here all night and not caught a thing. Joe's son comes along, not a clue about fishing and tells us where to stick our nets."
There again, here's God helping people, knowing exactly what they need - just look at how Peter reacted".

At that point I was volunteered to preach the sermon. Thanks.

So, looks as though, yet again, others can see my potential better than I. It's not I doubt my abilities, far from it. I was brought up not to boast, so I will hold my light under a bushel. I'm better than I used to be, but there is definitely room for improvement.

But, in the meantime, I've a children's address to prepare for Sunday.

Looking ahead

I went to visit my ministers last night (two ministers in a joint ministry team). They wanted to see how I was and what I wanted/needed to do before selection conference. I took along my formal report from my local review too. Fortunately, it had just arrived in the post that day.

I let both of them read my report. One of them had recently been trained as a local assessor, so is aware of what the review is looking for. She in particular thought it was "an excellent report". I thought I came across quite well too. Plenty of positives and even the down points aren't really negatives in the lowest common denominator type way.

Having gone from being reasonably heavily involved in leading worship, along with other ministerial-type duties, at my placement, it would have been quite strange going back to only sitting in the pew every Sunday. Also, there's a bit of my thinks perhaps that's something I may be asked at selection conference - "what have you been doing since the end of your co-ordinated field assessment". With that in mind, I'm being involved leading worship at my home church (and its linkage) between now and then.

As for pastoral visits and such-like things. As I work full-time, day time things can be an issue, but I've let my ministers know if something comes along to let me know. I can easily take a ½ day (or a whole one, if necessary!). Both I and my ministers know this maybe isn't necessary - during ministry training I'll get plenty experience - but I'd still like to keep my hand in.

Conflict was briefly mentioned in my report and one of my ministers actually gave an example of a time where I had dealt with conflict very well. I must remember this and wish I'd remembered it before.

So, it was a really positive and encouraging meeting. I also was enjoying myself so much I didn't get home until past my bedtime - dirt stopout!!!

Oh, my dates for selection conference are 30th April-1st May. I'll maybe start panicking a couple of days before!!!

Slow down - breathe

I lead the whole of worship this morning and, to be frank, I was wetting myself. Really wetting myself. While I have lead the whole of a service of worship before, that was at my home church. Although I was nervous there, I wasn't nearly as nervous as today. Yes, I have built up good relationships with many in the congregation, but I'm not as comfortable as I am at home.

Overall, I feel my delivery was good. I know I have a clear voice and ever those with hearing difficulties can hear me well. The service came together quite well, though I'm sure I could have selected more appropriate hymns and probably cut down the readings. I followed the lectionary and used the whole of 3 of the readings for today. On reflection, the first reading was too long. I needed to only use the part of that scripture I then talked about in my sermon.

I know I was more nervous during the second service as in the second from front row there was my hubbie, Mum, mother- and sister-in-law. It was great to have their support, but it still made me nervous.

My placement church has a rota of people who lead the bible readings. At the second service the person doing this managed to jump onto another part of the page, just after finishing the passage. I did notice and gently whispered in her ear. After the service I thanked her for the readings and told her not to worry about it. Not many people where following the readings and no-one else would notice.

My sermon seemed to go down well. I had a couple of jokes in it and they both, thankfully, got a laugh. I have timed my sermon to 13-14 minutes. During the second service I apparently had it done with in under 11! This despite the little voice at the back of my head saying "slow down - breathe". That's something I can learn from and, as I get more practice, become more aware and confident in.

And, do you think I could pronounce Zephaniah? Normally, I can pronounce it no problem. Not today. No. When I got to that in my sermon (5 times - I changed them when I could during the sermon, so I didn't have to say it as often!) I just couldn't get my mouth to do what my brain told it to do! Again, I think this comes back to I need to relax, slow down and breathe.

After the service many people thanked me for a good service. While I know that's not particularly constructive, I still feel it's nice they bothered. In my experience, if people dislike what's been said they usually don't comment at all.

Again, there's much to learn and ponder over on the back of today's services. The main thing I need to remember, though, is I have much more time than I think I do, so I need to take it.

Random thoughts from yesterday

Yesterday was, from my prospective, quite an interesting day in terms of what I did and observed and others reactions to me.

One of the ladies I visited the other week was at my placement church. It was great to see her, but that wasn't why seeing her was special - no, it was her genuinely being pleased to see me. We hugged (which isn't like me at all) and, although not much more than the pleasantries were exchanged verbally, much more went on in our exchange which could be put into words.

During the service I was leading the children's address. It was pretty much me telling a story and linking it to the message - bad things happen that can't be explained, but whatever is happening in your life try to do good things. I wasn't sure how well it had went down as it was quite a "big" topic and pretty deep theology even for me (because I'm just soo experienced!). I knew my delivery was okay, but I wasn't too sure how it had gone, in terms of the message. After the service 2 people commented how much they'd enjoyed my address. That gave me a real lift and reassured me I was on the right track.

After the service I had a brief meeting with my assessor to go over my order of service. She told me the themes for Advent and apologised for not giving me them before - I told her I should have asked. She gave me some advice for the children's hymn. It's one I'm not familiar with, but the children at my placement church apparently really like it and, given the words, it ties in with the theme of my children's address. On the back of the meeting I've changed a couple of the hymns and chosen a couple of backups, in case.

My placement church holds an annual bereavement service and that was yesterday afternoon. All families and friends of those of the church and parish which my assessor has conducted their funeral service over the last year are invited. It's a short service with 3 hymns, a couple of readings, prayers and a reflection. During the service the bereaved are invited to place a tag (which they were given when they came in) with a message or the name of their loved one on budded branches which will be kept in the church until mid-January. I thought this was a great bit of symbolism, especially as apparently the buds usually are in leave by the time the display is removed.

After the act of worship, light refreshments were served. I noticed the bereaved person I had visited. I sat with them and another couple after the service. I was really nice to see the person I had visited and see how he was getting on, now the shock was wearing off.

So, what did yesterday show me? What I hope it's shown me is my nature allows me the privilege of being able to be there for people when they really need someone. To, through my actions and words, show God's love to those who need it most and, hopefully, draw them nearer to God. That is what I am called to do and why God has called me.

Service preperation

I'm currently preparing for the third Sunday in Advent, as I am leading the whole service. I've chosen the hymns and readings. I thought that would be quite straightforward, but my assessor has knocked back 2 hymns as they are being used on other Sunday's in advent.

I amended the order of service to take this into account let my assessor have a copy. Not a hassle, that's part of the reason I let her have a look at my order of service so early. But, I was annoyed today when the substituted hymn was also rejected for similar reasons. I'm not telepathic. I think when I go over the order of service with my assessor on Sunday I'll diplomatically say something along the lines of "do you have a list of which hymns/carols are being used over the advent/Christmas period, so my choices don't clash?".

At least there's still plenty time to make amendments, though I have to admit, it feels more like I'm fitting into my assessor's way of doing things. that said, this is only my second ever complete service and I'm only in my CFA. I know I'll have to get used to this and it sounds as though I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I just needed to get it off my chest. It's still a privilege to be working with my assessor and learning from her.