First time out of the way

It's been a busy week this week. Since Saturday I've done 2 pre-funeral visits, written a draft service for Sunday, done some prep for a community event service, also on Sunday and lead all or part of 2 funerals. So much for a rural backwater!

Yesterday I led the opening prayer and reading. That much I have done while on placement. But, did you detect there was one coming - the tradition in the Highlands is to also comment on the bible reading. So, to prevent it becoming a mini-sermon, I tried to address the family and give them reassurance that their loved one was in a better place and they would see them again, in the context of the passage, of course. I felt it was appropriate and hit the right tone, judging by the family's body language and reaction after. One son was initially reluctant for me to be involved in the service at all and I was respectful of their wishes, but their mind had been changed (not by me, I hasten to add). They came to me and thanked me for my part and the word of reassurance I had given them. It was a relief I had struck the right balance and gained their trust and respect.

Today was a bit more of a big deal, as I led the whole act of worship. This was the first time I had done so in any funeral context and was feeling very nervous. It was a smaller funeral than yesterday, but not too small. It did bother me that the non-immediate family were miles away from the family. That made talking to the congregation more difficult.

The tradition here, along with a comment on the bible passage used, is that the family gather in the vestry. If I'm being honest, I could have done with the head space, but I was there to serve them, not the other way around. I hope I gave an appropriate listening ear. Perhaps just the presence is the right thing to do?

I did get a wee bit freaked out when the very small vestry was filled and I was crowded into the corner. Really, is there any need for all who were related to the deceased to wait in the vestry? Traditions can be changed (after all, I was a woman at a graveside!). But that's just a bye the bye and something I had no control over. Fortunately, it wasn't for long.

As I headed into the church, I suddenly realised I hadn't miked up! So, I sat down while the organist finished their piece and slipped it on. Anyone else would have thought I was gathering my thoughts before the service started!

I felt the service went reasonably well. The family seemed to be with me, judging by their body language etc. They even laughed at a couple of anecdotes I recounted. It wasn't my intention to be humorous, but it did lighten the mood a little.

I stood at the communion table for the whole service. With the family to my side, that was maybe a poor choice of position. Next time, if there is a next time here, I will use the lectern. Then, I would face the family, which I think would be more appropriate.

I'm glad to have go that out of the way. Not in a bad way, but now I have an experience of leading a whole funeral service, and one in a very different context to outwith the Highlands. I think it must have gone well as the church officer only found out that was my first one at the end of the service and was a little surprised. Oh, looks like I am managing to prefect the swan - calm on top, paddling for dear life underneath!

I hope I have the opportunity to visit the deceased's closest family as a post-funeral visit. Not to polish my ego, but in order that the church serves their needs, rather than casts them adrift once the formalities are out of the way. And, if I am able, I pray to take God's presence with me.

A coming first

Throughout my varying placements there has been one type of experience I have really wanted to gain. A skill I know I will need to develop, as I will need it wherever I serve. I did gain a little experience of this while at Highland Cathedral, but was not 'in the driving seat' so to speak. My supervisor had done the hard work and I was just involved.

What is this I speak of? Funerals. As a parish minister, it will be my role (though I do not see it as a burden) to serve the whole parish. That includes funerals of those in the parish, if they want.

At Highland Cathedral, I lead prayers and bible readings. Both there and at Eagleside I sat in to observe a funeral visit. So, I have not visited a bereaved family alone, written a tribute or led a whole funeral service as yet.

That is, until now. There has been quite a few deaths in Railway Crossing's parish in the last few months. Over the last 2 weeks, there has been 3. I know that seems very small by many other parishes standards, but it is high in proportion to the population. I have been asked to led one of the funerals.

So, I have now done my first independent pre-funeral visit and written my first (draft) tribute. The funeral itself is later in the week. In the meantime I have to bring together the rest of the service. Thank goodness my Highland Cathedral supervisor got me to draw up my own funeral order last summer, though it may need a tweak or two for the setting.

How do I feel. I am thrilled. Not. No, the idea of 'going solo' on the funeral front absolutely terrifies me. There's no more that can go wrong in a funeral than any other act of worship where emotions are heightened, but less scope for error, which is understandable on the part of the bereaved. I know as I prepare for the service, it is in the knowledge I could not do what I am called to do without God having my back and the prayers and support of those who know me.

I pray this funeral helps the family in their grief and is a fitting tribute to their loved one. And that I don't mess up.

Funeral Prayers

Next week I will be involved in leading part of a funeral. It will not be the whole service - just a prayer and possibly a reading - but it is necessary I begin to gain experience in leading funerals.

I have drafted a couple of prayers of approach, based on, but heavily adapted from, the Book of Common Order. Partly for the occasion, but also to begin to have a pallet of prayers I can use in a variety of circumstances. So far, I have drafted one for a funeral of a church member and one for a parish funeral (for want of a better phrase). But I did think, why did I feel the need to make them different? On one hand I am aware there will be funerals I will take purely because the deceased lived in the parish and there is no connection at all with the church. On the other hand, I believe Jesus Christ came to the world for everyone, irrespective of their personal beliefs, background etc. So, am I making the wrong decision having different prayers?

Then, there's the subject of language. Should I use inclusive language such as us and our, rather than you and yours? Though the funeral is an act of worship, I see my role as much one of supporting the bereaved as leading the act of worship. Could including myself be seen as inappropriate by the mourners?

At the end of the day, when I will lead a funeral service I am acting as a representative of the church. In doing so, I am showing the church care for the mourners and, in turn, that God cares for them. If I can do that in the prayers I have drafted and how I lead them, I hope I will have done that.

Funerals (or lack thereof)

One thing I haven't experienced on this placement is funerals. I did observe one at the beginning of placement, but have had no further involvement. It's unfortunate that timing hasn't favoured me being avaliable. If I could have made the pre-funeral visit I wouldn't have made the funeral itself, what with uni classes. I did suggest to my supervisor I could miss a lecture if that would help, but (quite rightly) he dismissed this, as my studies come first.

It's unfortunate, but there's time yet. It is an important part of the parish ministry and I am all too aware there are some churches where the minister could just do funerals and have no time for anything else. It's also something which terrifies me. Although some may think I'm an emotional retard, I can get very touched at funerals (even the one I observed, where I didn't even know the deceased). I know it's part of being human and it's no bad thing for a minister to be seen to be human, but there's also the professional aspect of leading the funeral service. There, I need to have the balance of compassion and professionalism right, otherwise the service will not be a fitting tribute nor enable the family (sorry, not expressing this very well).

I'm sure it's all happening for a reason. I know I've experienced much more than I thought I would on this placement and not just worship stuff - management, leadership, team management, pastoral care, to name a few. I also know God gives me what I need rather than what I want. All in all, although it's unfortunate (have I said that already) that I haven't had this sort of experience, I'm stoical about it and well ware everything happens for a reason and it'll all pan out well in the end.

[Of course, famous last words and now there's going to be a run of funerals I can be involved with.]

In ten years time...

Have you heard the one about the motorcycle hearse world speed record? No? 114 mph? And by a vicar.

Perhaps it makes me a little irreverent. Perhaps it makes me a little bit of a nutter. Both those statements would be correct. Especially as last night I declared I would hold the world hearse speed record in 10 years time. Thing is, when I say I am going to do something, I do it. So, watch this space. I must admit, there's not going to be much progress on this challenge for the next 4-5 years. Still plenty time to get the record.

Thanks for the love

The funeral of the crystal bowl lady was today. It was a moving and uplifting service, made better knowing her strong, deep faith and her wishes. There was so much love in the congregation, but she had so much love for others.

After the service I got chatting to one of her nieces. As we talked, her niece talked of how at least her Aunt had been able to deal with most of her possessions - giving them personally and specifically to those important to her. I mentioned her Aunt gave a bowl to. "Oh, that was you. When do you start training to be a minister?". I was so touched that her Aunt thought highly enough of me to mention me being selected as a trainee minister to her niece. And exceptionally humbled.

I know her Aunt was very proud of me. Of one of her Sunday School pupils still being interested in her and going to be a minister. I only hope I can be half the person her Aunt was. That would be a lasting tribute to such a wonderful woman.

A revelation

I've had a bit of a revelation today. The lady I visited a fortnight ago died. Although I will not be involved in her funeral, except as a mourner, her death has brought home to me something I will have to deal with in ministry. During my time as a minister, as Spot so eloquently put it, I will have to bury my congregation.

That will be hard.

To do justice to those I love.

To lead worship and hold it together when all around are suffering.

To not seem so detached I appear cold, but to do the memory of those I love justice.

How?

I care. I care more deeply that I often show and sometimes am even willing to admit.

With such love, how can I do a funeral for someone I love?

Only through the support of God through the holy spirit. That's how.

I know being an ordained minster is 5 years off. But this is something |I will have to deal with sooner or later. There is at least one person who wants me to conduct her funeral. I pray it isn't for a very long time. When it comes, though, I will be gutted. But I will pray for the strength and guidance to do the one last thing I can for her. My act of love for those who love me. Through the strength of the one who loves us all.

Visits

I shadowed my assessor yesterday afternoon. This was something I have been keen to do since I started the enquiry process, but haven't had the opportunity to do.

Fortnightly she leads worship at the sheltered housing complex in her parish. This is held in the residents' lounge and is open to all. There were 5 ladies there and that's about the norm.

I said hello to all of the ladies and sat next to one and started chatting about the weather - well, I am Scottish! I didn't introduce myself, but I'm a little old-fashioned with those things. I was there at the invite of my assessor, so I see it as polite for the inviter to introduce the invitee.

Chatting to the ladies was fairly natural for me, once I got going. I've worked with the elderly in the past and have taken services in sheltered housing complexes too. At the end of the day, people are people irrespective of age and background.

I was pretty impressed my assessor ad-libbed the service. She'd obviously looked at a theme (harvest), as the service broadly followed it. She didn't use notes and the only thing she read from was the bible!

The service was a reasonably informal affair, given the relaxed setting. It also felt the type of service where those with most denominations could feel part of. I think in that setting that is important.

For the hymns there was no music available. That threw me. I'm not musical, but tend to remember a lot of hymns in relation to their tunes! This, I think, is something I'll need to bare in mind for the future.

For the hymns, the first was fairly well known, but the others less so. Even my assessor was toiling to remember the tune of one of them. I would have thought, if music isn't available, that's where the "old favourites" should be used?

After the service, we went to a pre-funeral visit. My assessor had checked with the bereaved they were happy with this. My assessor pretty much went through a list of questions about the deceased - where they where born, where they went to school, marriage, children, work, interests etc. This I was expecting. This gives a focus for the discussion and, I'd imagine, ensures the key facts of the life of the deceased are covered. During the one funeral I'd been involved in organising the celebrant did the same thing and I know my minister does this.

During the questioning my assessor occasionally went over what she'd noted. This, I believe, would have been to check she'd written it down right and/or the bereaved had told her correctly. I'm sure with grief and shock the bereaved can get confused a bit.

Given the nature of the visit, it only lasted just over 30 minutes. As my assessor was taking me to my car she mentioned visits can last anything between 30 minutes and an hour and a half. I can understand this. It depends on the types of people involved, number of family and friends there and the deceased (how much or little there is to say about them).

She also mentioned she always ensures she's no meetings after the visit to take the timings into account. That again was obvious to me. Funeral visits aren't something which should ever be rushed. I wouldn't appreciate it, so I wouldn't do it to others.

At the end of the questioning, my assessor asked if there was to be a collection. The bereaved said no as he didn't like them. My assessor said she too didn't like them - I wasn't sure if she was just saying that to "help" the bereaved or she did agree with him. Not a major thing, just my little observation. Personally, if people want to have a collection, let them have one. If they don't, that's their choice. I don't think it's important.

One thing my assessor didn't do, which I was a bit surprised with, was offer to pray with the bereaved. From the comments they made they didn't come across as religious, and that may have been why she didn't offer.

So, much to think, reflect on and learn from. I think I'll be coming back to this again.