God's got our backs

Candidate conferences are funny beasts. Or maybe it's just me. The OLMs are there just for the weekend, but the social night and Moderator's visit occurs once they have left. Okay, so maybe I bias, but it does sort of give out the signal to them that they aren't as valued as the full-timers. And, that signal can also affect the full-timers attitude to the OLMs. But here is perhaps the best place to have that conversation.

The other odd thing about conference is it's a year since most of the candidates have seen most of their colleagues. That's why free time is so important - as are breaks and meals. It was great this year that all had free time together. That said, it takes effort to get to know others, and if people don't want to be social or 'network' (oh, I do like to drop the occasional buzz-word) they can. I also look at the free-time and, having been away from home for the summer, see I could get home a day earlier. But that would not allow me to get to know those I will work with and get support from once I am doing ministry 'for real.'

As usual, the food was very good. Again, I do wonder why there has to be so much food - it is possible to have a 3 course meal 3 times a day, not including biscuits and fruit which is available during coffee breaks. The staff are lovely too - warm, friendly and hospitable. It makes a real difference to be looked after.

Looking at the actual content of the conference. It definitely works better people being in their year streams. The smaller groups allow for more conversation and interaction to take place. I remember being very intimidated by the large group as a newbie - they all looked so sorted and confident. They also seemed to ask relevant and interesting questions, while I didn't feel I had the knowledge to do so. Being with their peers for most of the conference must make this easier, but only they would be able to say.

My year group were looking at mission. With just under half on probation, this was the right time to do this. The main thing I took from my year group sessions was most of us were involved in mission, as were the churches we were from and/or with which we had been on placement. There was also a strong emphasis in the sessions that the minister cannot do it all. I am aware of that, though also know it can be easier (to a certain extent) to not get others onboard. Personally, I think that's pain daft and belittles the ministry others within a congregation are called to. We are the body of Christ and all have our gifts and skills.

Today I was at lunch in my home church and was asked how I was getting on. I mentioned I was at conference and, as I talked about it, realised I brought up the HIV/AIDS program talk a couple of times. I don't know why that especially stood out for me, but the speaker was very engaging, passionate and knowledgeable on her subject area. It's important the church is involved in reaching out those in the margins, as many with HIV/AIDS are. Perhaps someone's trying to tell me something.

The down side with conference is the disruption it has on my sleep pattern. I want to catch up with people, share experiences and have a laugh (on Sunday night I'm glad I was in the group playing pictionary, rather than having a deep theological conversation). Before I know it, it's after midnight! It's only once a year, though, so not too bad.

The chaplain was warm, friendly and very approachable - ideal attributes for that role. I did slightly struggle with the worship, though, as I felt the children's stories were exactly that - for children. The first one was great and set a good tone, but after that they were a little wearing. Having said that, just because it didn't speak to me, does not mean it did not speak to others. I do feel the chaplain's interation with the candidates at meals, breaks etc is more important than their worship style.

The closing communion was not as bad as I expected. I still struggle with the 'we must go round in a circle and hug everyone at conference' sharing the peace which occurs. Though I am not touchy-feely, I recognise others are, but there can be a bit of a herd mentality and places others (especially newbies) in an awkward position. The same could be said of the blessing of us third years. Firstly, I do not believe the group should be singled out - the entire groups is called to ministry. I remember that actually making me feel quite inadequate at my first conference - perhaps the new people need a blessing for the start of the process more than at the end?

When the chaplain invited the other year groups to gather around us I felt my blood pressure going up. I don't want someone I don't really know feeling they have to do this. I also recall this happening at my first conference and feeling very awkward as I did not know those I was supporting. It would be interesting to find out how the newbies this year felt about it.

Over all, the conference was enjoyable. Mainly for being able to build up relationships with colleagues and foster friendships. After all, we are all in it together and we will sustain each other in the years ahead. God has all our backs.

All called to serve

Today's the last day at conference and there's not a lot on. Basically, it's just 'meet the moderator' today. It will be interesting meeting Lorna Hood and seeing what she has to share about ministry.

As with all church conferences, this is ending with communion. I am tempted to sit it out, as I am not looking forward to it. It's not the communion I object to, but the outpouring of emotion there will be during the sharing of the peace - I really struggle with this, especially when people invade my personal space. I know people will tell me it's because they care, but I would say, if they knew me, they would know how uncomfortable that would make me feel.

There's usually some sort of blessing thingy on the 'third years' (of whom I am one). Again, I will struggle with that. Just because we've finished one part of our training and, in some cases, are going into probation, that does not make us any more special that any of the other candidates. We are all candidates together - yes, at different stages, but all called to serve the church in a recognised ministry. For me, where we are in our training does not alter the fact we are all called by God to serve the Kirk as ministers and deacons.

All here to serve

This is day 3 of my third and penultimate conference. It was very different from my first, not least because Spot was here with me during the weekend, but also I am more comfortable about myself and accepting of being a candidate in training. Last year I perceived all these eloquent, sorted people and wondered how I'd ever come up to that standard. Now I see we're pretty much all bricking it and wondering exactly how we got here!

I'm really trying to make the effort to get to know the new people, especially those who won't be studying at Edinburgh, who I can get to know and (hopefully) support there. It's partly networking, but mainly I know how I felt last year and can really see the same expressions in their faces as I had. And a pint with my peers in the local isn't too much of a hardship either!

It's amazing to see all these great, talented, gifted people being called in varying ways to serve Christ's church and minister to God's people. I am privileged to be among them, even though I sometimes think just how good God's sense of humour is when he called me!

Candidates' conference day 6

Ah, the last day. To be honest, it was only a half day. It was good to get home yesterday afternoon, as it had been an exhausting, inspiring, enlightening and challenging few days.

Spirituality is something we don't seem to do very well in the Kirk and that was the main presentation of the day. There was much to take from what I learnt in that session, mainly how I may express my spirituality and use that to help (guide, enable) the congregations I will become involved with over the years. One thing I did take away was how much doing things we enjoy and having time for those hobbies can be a spiritual experience and is completely necessary for our welfare - physical, mental and spiritual. So, looks like I'll be taking more photos. I love doing so and I can use them in worship, in the right context. That would be multitasking...

I felt annoyed on behalf of the deacon candidates during the housing and loan session. Okay, so we trainee ministers are encouraged (read told) to look to the future for housing "as circumstances have changed and most ministers have their own houses before coming into the ministry". But there is no provision for deacons. While I know they generally do not get accommodation as part of their role, deacons-in-charge usually live in the manse. That's something which I feel needs addressed. There's my deep sense of fairness coming in.

Reflecting on the worship for the week, I realised I got little from it. Yesterday, the morning devotions seemed to be an advert for the church the chaplain is minister at. It also didn't seem he'd prepared anything, as they powerpoint was out of order and had to be jumped around with. I found this very distracting. I thought it was just me, but chatting to others reveled it wasn't just me.

I think over the last few days, the challenges of the journey I am on really hit home. You want me to lead your people? You want me to form a community of Christ and take that into the community in which I will serve. God, I hope you know what you're doing because sometimes I look around and wonder why me, why not all these other people I know. I find that very, very humbling and the responsibility all a bit daunting.

I know where I go, I go for the sake of Christ. He leads me on and walks beside me. So long as that is the case, everything will be alright. Honest.

Candidates' conference day 5

Yesterday, I felt weighed down by the enormity of what I was taking on. I know I am called to ministry. I know I am following God's path for me, but is much has gone on over the course of the conference I am wondering if I have really got what it takes.

It really struck home to me when the moderator spoke to us. Different people took different things from that session. I took the importance of good leadership, of building up relationships, of enabling and encouraging others, in and outside the church. It really resonated with me, but I don't know if I have the gifts to do it.

The challenge of compassionate leadership was echoed throughout the day's presentations. The importance of walking with those we will encounter. Of being non judgemental. Of showing God's love in the worst situations humanly imaginable. To say it is an enormous task is an understatement.

I know it is not possible without God with me. I know he leads me where I may not want to go. Yesterday, I felt that's exactly where I am begin led. And it scares me. And that makes me feel inadequate to undertake that task. I just have to remember God will carry me when I am lowest. When I think I can't do it, he will walk beside me.

I just have to keep focusing on what I know. I am on this journey because I trusted God. I must keep trusting and recalling his promise to me. "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).Since I first heard that passage speaking to me, I have held onto the faith God is preparing the way for me and I should not, I will not give up.

Candidates' conference day 4

The things I got most from, yet found most challenging yesterday, were the presentations from Richard Frazer about the work Greyfrairs church in Edinburgh are doing and that of world mission.

It's amazing to see and think how making links with people in a city and around the world can have such life changing effects. All this through the kirk, both locally and nationally, looking beyond itself. Looking at the bigger picture and showing God's love in action to those who may never come to church. The very types of people who Christ sought out.

I know community based work is something I am increasing feeling called to lead and facilitate. I don't know how that will manifest itself, but I am passionate about the church, and I mean that as the body of Christ, reaching beyond itself. Yet, I find that prospect daunting. I am a very small insignificant person in the life of the church. How can I make a difference? How can I make this part of the church I minister to (if it isn't already part of their mission)?

So many questions. So much to think and reflect on. So I have prayerfully left it in God's hands.

Candidates' conference day 3

The pace of the conference eased off temporarily yesterday, what with it being a Sunday and all that. We began with a service of communion. It was fairly formal and traditional in style. At least it was nice bread. Very good bread, maybe even from Fishers and Donaldson! I often wonder if it's a terrible thing, while taking communion to have "Oh, rustic seeded bread. This is delicious.". That said, I believe Jesus wants to give us the best, so perhaps communion really should be a symbol of that.

Mission and evangelism was an interesting session. Most people I discussed evangelism with recognised there is a lot of baggage with that word. At it's basic meaning it is the Good News. Such a shame it doesn't feel that way for many, even within the church.

Inter-faith issues. The main thing I took away from that, from the Rabbi who spoke to us, was to know my faith during any dialogue. That will be respected by most of other faiths. From a time I spent in the Edinburgh Central mosque a few years back, I have experienced that to be the case. As the Rabbi was pointing out, he struggles to have these dialogues when those he is speaking with do not seem to adhere to some of the basic tenets of their faith, such as a Church of England priest who didn't believe in life after death. As he put it, that's a pretty important thing for Christianity. If we (of any faith) do not know what we believe, we cannot use that to help others and break down barriers. A very challenging and inspiring session.

The rest of the day was free time. A walk to the beach in the rain with a couple of the candidates was refreshing. I needed to get out and it was good to chat with those in similar situations. I like that sort of sociability.

After dinner, the group got together to be social. That's when I remembered why I think of myself as anti-social. "Please miss, can we not have the piano played so loud you can't have a conversation?"  Yes, you are a very good player, but shut the lid. Maybe it's just me, but sociability is being together but not bringing about a situation where everyone does the same thing.

So, too loud music when some people were trying to talk. Then someone produced song sheets. Yes, song sheets. I wondered why this was necessary. "So someone doesn't request a song and we all forget the words". Great, so this is descending into a sing-a-long and it's an all or nothing attitude. It's not I object to a wee bit of a sing-a-long, but don't do it in such a way that the group can't do anything else. It's not anti-social some singing while others listen and//or chat and feel they can join in if and when they feel comfortable. It is anti-social when that is what is happening.

What made it worse was the choice of songs. "I will survive" being regarded as an uplifting one. When I commented "Sitting at the dock of the bay" was a bit morose, I was told I was wrong. HAVE YOU NOT ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE WORDS? "Feel like I've got nothing to live for and nothings going to bring me back home". Yes, that's really,. really uplifting. Grrr.

It's while "I will survive" was being sung I recalled when at uni the first time round, I would get royally drunk to give my confidence when I was in larger groups and it was the group mentality. Really, I was shy and uncomfortable there, but didn't have the knowledge of myself or confidence to walk away. Last night I finished my pint and headed for bed. And I feel much better for the rest, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night's "social night" if yesterday was anything to go by. Each to their own, but I don't go with the herd anymore.

It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today. Now, I'm going to get ready for breakfast.

Candidates' conference day 2

Yesterday was an intensive day. With safeguarding training all morning and reflections/talks on justice, peace and liberation theology. Fortunately, while the non-newbie candidates were arriving, there was an afternoon break. I headed for a walk and a trip around the McTaggart exhibition at the St Andrews' museum.


There was a lot to take in yesterday and I know it will take a long time to process. It's interesting and exciting getting to know my fellow candidates and learn their varying theologies. I know I am just forming some of them and I will change and grow in them over time. Who knows where that may lead.

I also went for a 6:30am walk/run yesterday morning. That was a shock on 2 levels. Out for a walk that early in the morning AND running. I need to do something to burn off the energy.

Candidate conference day 1

Spot had been on holiday all week, so drove me to my first conference. That was handy, as I did turn up with more than I would have if I'd travelled with public transport. I was almost late, as we couldn't find his house keys.

The first day was pretty intensive. Lots of new people to meet and get to know; many things to learn. It's little wonder candidates have fallen asleep during sessions, given the intensity of things here.

I realised I'm maybe not as uncomfortable with new people as I used to be. Maybe I've never been too bad, or perhaps this is a gift which is growing in me. Or t may be the simple fact we are all in this together. We may have different backgrounds and experiences, but we are all starting on our ministries to which God has called us.

I had heard cliques can form. I understand groups of individuals will be drawn together for reasons including the university they will be studying at, their ministry (diaconal, word and sacrament, ordained local ministry). I have tried to avoid being drawn, though that will become more difficult as I get to know my colleagues. As part of this, I've been trying to sit with different people at the sessions and meals. Okay, it's only the first day, but others stories and experiences are amazing and encouraging. I pray mine are too.

The speech training was interesting. Maybe I have a strange sense of humour, but there were some jokes the session leader made I just didn't find funny; the rest of the group were ending themselves. I think I've been noticed for that, but I'm not one to go with the crowd.

During that session, we were to practice using or diaphragms. That was okay until we were made, sorry, asked to face the wall. I felt 5, 6 years old and remembered vividly the humiliation of a teacher doing that to me, just because she didn't like me. So, the laughing-it-off defence mechanism kicked in. I kept corpsing. Eventually, I was almost getting it together when someone suggested we sounded like bagpipes. That was me, I lost it. Lesson, don't face the wall and go to your own place with no one around to practice.

Following the last session and prayers, I was chatting with two of my diaconal colleagues. One kept glancing at my scar on my shoulder. I didn't know whether to say something or wait to see it she asked. I waited. I'm still waiting. I have got over my self consciousness about it. I'm quite proud of it, as it is part of me. But please, please ask me. I think it was bothering you more than me. And remember, or think, just think, how you may make a parishioner feel if you did that to them.

At the end of the day, I didn't just head to bed. Big mistake. I chatted with some colleagues for an hour or so and that woke me up a bit much. Consequently, I haven't slept very well. Today is going to be tough, even with the afternoon break.