Getting in a Fankle

I wouldn't in a million years say I was a great preacher, but thought, for this stage in my training, I wasn't that bad. Feedback in varying contexts has been positive. Yes, there have been things to improve, not nothing drastic.

Yet, somehow this isn't the case at Airside. And it's not that I am being unfairly criticised, but some are generally not coming together as well as they could, or are a little jumbled, or I go off script and loose my place. This isn't something which has happened elsewhere, so what's changed. Why am I, quite frankly, getting in a fankle?

Strange as it seems, I think I am trying too hard to impress. Or, I am trying to be too clever for my own good. When I do talks (which aren't children's addresses - more sermonettes), I seem to get the pitch right. So what's different about a 'real' sermon?

I think part of the problem is I am (once again) trying to meet a standard/style I can't. Partly, that isn't who I am. Mainly, though, I neither have the experience of Laura nor am I she. I am me (and I know this is so obvious, but I need to actually say this, because I need the reminder). So, I need to find my way, my style, my way of opening God's word to the people at Airside.

Looking back at the first time I preached at Airside, the feedback was positive. Tweaks needed made, but nothing bad (perhaps a mention of a parable, a deeper explanation of a point, a less oblique reference to a passage). In my determination to improve, I fear I have lost sight of the good things in what I did and can do, and focused on the things which need improved. In focusing on the negatives I have actually dug a deeper and deeper hole for myself.

I suppose this is all part of the learning process and, just to be clear, this isn't as negative as this post may project. I am actually a wee bit disappointed in myself, as I can do so much better. As I've said before, I need to chill a wee bit and get what I know I can do well right, then the negatives won't seem so daunting after all.

Speak normal, not ministerially

I have a good clear voice, good diction. I can be heard. But boy, when I've heard myself on recordings so far at Airside, I am just bordering on a wee bit too slow and clear. Please don't tell me I am developing a 'ministers' voice. PLEASE.

Okay, so this is probably down to nerves. I have, after all, only preached at Airside 3 times thus far. But I do the same with prayers too. Yet only within the context of leading public worship.

When I am asked to pray at meetings, it's 'normal' Mrs G. But then, I don't need to fill a room. (Yes, I know, that's what PA systems are for - suppose I'm still getting used to Airside's one being very good).

The other difference is when I am asked to pray at meetings, I have to 'make it up as I go along, so to speak. I have no notes, nothing I have to be reading, nothing to 'inhibit' me. Don't know if that is the case, but might be a factor.

I know I need full written out prayers and script for leading worship. When I go off piste I can repeat myself a little, which I know I have sorted in the written form (especially when it comes to preaching).

Of course, it could be is down to nerves. Nerves that everyone is now looking at me. Nerves that I am being assessed (I know this will always happen, but not in the same way as now). Nerves at speaking God's word to those gathered. Nerves at making a hash of it....etc etc.

I wonder why so worked up. I've been at Airside for almost 2 months now. I have fitted in disturbingly well, so much so that, in some ways, it feels like I've been there for years. The congregation and Laura are fantastic (in general) and exceptionally supportive of me. Really, I should be seeing myself as among friends, so why can't I speak 'normal'?

Hopefully, this will get better in time, but I am wondering how I get over this, without losing the 'edge' of the wee bit of nerves because what I am doing is important.

Sermon and reading

It was an intense day yesterday, with my first preaching gig at Airside in the morning and helping (in a very small way) with a prayers for peace service in the evening.

This is the first time since Easter I'd preached and the first time in well over a year I was being assessed. Yes, I may have done it before, but not here. And not to this group of people.

My custom and practise is to only go to the pulpit at the end of the hymn immediately before. I know why many who preach go while it's still being sung, but it I'd get more worked up having a 'pause' before than just getting on with it. So far, this plan has worked. Yesterday, there was a technical problem which meant the hymn looked to have finished, but it didn't. Ne'er mind. Take deep breath and shrug it off.

I really do think that, for the first time at Airside, I preached well. There was a good theme running through the sermon and, off-script, I referred to (and expanded on) something Laura had mentioned in the children's address. I even managed to get the congregation to laugh (mainly by using the word 'minging'). So, they do have a sense of honour.

Saying that, I only referred to the first reading obliquely, as between choosing the readings and preparation my focus was on the gospel reading. I could have made a wee bit more of that when I drew in the children's address.

The feedback I've had so far has been overwhelmingly positive. People specifically coming to say how they enjoyed it, to thank me for it, to say how it had given them food for thought. And The Boss mentioned she'd been told this too. Oh dear, have I set myself up for a fall? Too good too soon, or are they being very generous because it's my first time? (This reaction is because I really, really struggle with praise).

One person did mention they wondered why I'd talked of hot cross buns and crumpets, as it didn't seem to fit, and they may have drifted off. Yes, this was one negative comment over many positive, but I don't think I should just dismiss it either.

Later in the day, there was a reflective prayers for peace service, with a high proportion of ministers present (this is actually ordained ministers, not including yours truly and him indoors!). The reading I had was Matthew 5:38-48. When I began, I did so at verse 43 and realised half a verse in. Rather than start again, I carried on to the end, then added verses 38-42 at the end. Given the way Laura's reflection and prayers went, to everyone but us, it probably looked intentional, though she must have been wondering what I was doing.

Will definitely be plenty for Laura and I to discuss at my next supervision meeting, that's for sure!

Pressure from no one but me

I always knew it would be a bit odd, going back to just doing bits of services and being formally assessed after almost a year of 'going solo.' To be honest, I am looking forward to having some feedback (good and bad) other than the usual (and well intentioned) most members of congregations make at the door.

I'd like to think I have fairly high standards to what I do and prepare - though am aware there will be times when things just don't come together as I would like. I know The Boss is very, very good at her job, especially preaching. So, I'm somewhat feeling the pressure as I prepare to preach on Sunday.

This isn't pressure from anyone else. I've been given free reign over what bible passage(s) to use. Members of the congregation have reassured me no one will expect me to be a copy of Laura - and I know they aren't just saying that to be nice. No, the pressure is that I place on myself, knowing this is a congregation which has grown since Laura arrived and I don't want to break it.

And, though I've chosen 2 readings, I'm now wondering if I should be just using the 1. Maybe this will become clearer as I discuss my ideas during supervision tomorrow - hopefully.

Mountain experiences - reflection on Matthew 17:1-9

As I prepare for Sunday's service at Quarry Kirk, I am focusing on Matthew 17:1-9, the Transfiguration and I was struck as I drafted a sermon how it parallels with (at least my) journey of faith. This is what I wrote towards the end:

I believe, the faith journey can be like what Peter experienced.

Sometimes being lead up a mountain, wondering why we're having to climb to high, so hard. Isn't there a better way, a path round the base of the mountain, rather than up it?

And a cloud descends on the mountain as we reach the top, so we're not even going to get the benefit of the view

But out of the cloud, in the midst of confusion and wondering where the path leads, God's voice comes from the cloud and tells us why we're there.

It might be to show who Jesus is to us – God's dear son who we are to listen to

Or it might be Jesus reassuring and comforting us because we are afraid.

But when we come down the mountain, we have experienced something of God we could not have at the bottom

Yet, it might only be after the passing of time that we really get what God was doing in our lives in that moment all along.

  Oh, yes. Now I'm wondering if it's the right sermon to deliver or if it's what I need to hear. Still, I have time to chew this over, let it 'stew down' and listen to God.

God's word

Before worship, I can give off an aura of calmness, but it is a swan-like veneer. On top may be calm, but underneath is paddling for all it's worth (while, depending on the nature of the worship, praying the test pilot prayer!).

Then, during prayers or in the sermon I will pause - perhaps take a drink of water (and a deep breath) - as I work out if I can say that phrase to these people or, because it's something which may cause me to waiver with my words. So far, apart from those I would expect to notice (supervisors, speech trainers, those very close to me) people haven't noticed or, if they have, haven't realised its significance. It has been interpreted as a dramatic pause or 'the minister's thirsty', never that I am wetting myself.

Yes, doing this whole standing in front of a group of people has got better since I began this journey. Yet, there is still the nerves, based on the knowledge this is important - to me, to this congregation and, most importantly, to God. So often I am mindful that what I say could so easily descend down into my rants, or my opinions, or my words. Yes, God uses these. God calls me because I have passion to bring to his word, but at the end of the day, that what it is - God's word. In so many ways, the nerves (or butterflies - call it what you will) is almost reassuring. It's not easy saying what God wants said. History shows people's tendency to 'shoot' the messenger.

What I have seen in recent weeks are very experienced ministers who go through the same things. I find this so humbling to know they feel the same about their call and are willing to allow others to know this. I hope, when I have the experience they have, I can pass this on.

Not making stuff up

On Sunday I preached my ninth sermon in a row. At this stage in my training, it has been a great opportunity to get into the habit and discipline of preparing worship every week. It's also been good to do so without a supervisor 'looking over my shoulder,' so to speak. I know they are there to encourage and stretch and challenge us, but it's still nice to not have that pressure as I make preparations for Sunday and lead the act of worship.

Throughout this summer, I have tried to vary a little how I present/expound the bible passage(s). That has been both a conscious and non-conscious effort - on a couple of occasions it is only with hindsight I have realised I'd been a little different.

Now, I am not talking 'out there' different, but using different styles of sermons. Sometimes I have started with an anecdote, other times a story. Sometimes I have gone straight to the text and just teased out what it was and is saying to us. Sometimes I have begun by talking directly about the text, had an an anecdote or story in the middle and finished by going back to the text. On Sunday past I did something different from any of those.

The readings were Genesis 18:20-32 and Luke 11:1-13. This time I told a story from the prospective of the woman in the house of the man in the parable in Luke's gospel. Using that, I realised I was able to talk about culture and context - because they were integral parts of the story. I was able to bring in an explanation about seek, ask and knock, in relation to persistence. And I was able to relate the parable with Abraham's negotiation as part of the persistence. Looking back, there was a lot more teaching and theology in that story than I even realised when I was preparing the sermon.

The thing is, if I am at church and the sermon takes that style it's not exactly what you could call my preference. I've always wondered what the point is or why the minister didn't say things directly. But now I am coming to appreciate there is more than one way to cook an egg. Jesus regularly explained things in stories, so there's definitely a precedent there! Also, I am thinking of a congregation.

In any congregation, there will be a variety of learning types, background, experiences, knowledge, etc. Varying the style of sermon (even subtly) may touch different people in different ways. Though the sermon style I used on Sunday may not be one which speaks to me (if I am a bum on a pew), it does to others. How do I know it speaks to others? Because a couple of people spoke to me after the service and mentioned how it really made the lessons come alive for them. Yes, it might not work for all and I wouldn't do it often, but I will try again.

Besides, on a practical note, if I used the same style and format of sermon for my whole ministry I think I would get bored. Never mind the congregation!

Maybe, once I am back in civilisation and I hear a sermon in the style I preached the other day I will come to it with a fresh understanding, with fresh insight and the knowledge that it isn't just making stuff up, as I have thought of them in the past!

A lesson Learned

Yesterday's services were quite a mix. Though the content was, predominantly the same for both Railway Crossing and First Stop, the contexts were not.

I arrived at Railway Crossing to be told a member of the congregation had died. So, that involved me dealing with a grieving congregation, which included family and friends of the deceased. I took a deep breath, checked the custom and practise there about announcing deaths in the notices and offered a quick, but heartfelt prayer for assistance.

It went well. I comforted the congregation as best I could. I realised, as I went through my service notes how little things could relate to loss of a loved one. After, the reaction as positive.

Then, the service at First Stop. It all seemed to familiar and started off reasonably well. That was until I started the sermon before the bible readings. Oops. Spot, realising I'd now got myself in a tizz stepped up to do the readings - the star that he is. The congregation was very gracious about it and laughed about it. One things for sure, I will never do that again!

I do think I've been so relieved that the service at Railway Crossing went well, under the circumstances, that I have lost focus. It's a good lesson for me, for many reasons. God will give strength when you don't think you have any. But don't loose focus on the job.

Feeling a bit guilty

I'm feeling a wee bit guilty. For the past 7 months, while I was on placement, I headed to the Big Kirk for their 9:30 service before going to work. The primary motivation for this was to keep my sanity. I knew, after the first week at Caledonia Kirk, that I needed to find a way to have worship - the Big Kirk fitted the bill.

Over the few months, I started to feel I was a part of the congregation. I'd pass friendly comment with people in the pews, I'd chat with people over a brew between their morning services and I went along to their Advent and Lent bible studies.

Through it, I felt connection with God, and challenged to think about my own place in his plan. That's in a good way. I heard preaching which did not allow the status quo and rattled cages. It made the congregation uncomfortable.

Though I sort of realised it before, that brought home to me the importance of getting to know where a congregation is - their hopes,  their fears, their ambitions, their faith, their knowledge. Without that, it's just not possible to 'be' the minister they need to be. It also highlighted that if preaching always toes the line and never shakes people up, then it's not doing its job. That takes balls, but needs to be done from time to time. But can only be done when a minister has built up a relationship with the congregation, so they know where the congregation is coming from.

So, why the guilt? I don't know when I'll get a chance to get back. At the moment, I'm taking the chance to tag along with spot for his 50 acts, then in 3 weeks time I'll be away for my work experience placement. Hopefully I can return after the summer.

Not a Burlesque show

Despite my initial concerns about my first sermon I had written for yesterday's service, when I went back to them both I was reasonably happy with the orginal's general content. It did get modified before printing (and as I preached), but nothing major was changed.

I have noticed, though still having a full script, I am using it less and less. I've always known what I am going to say reasonably well, so I've not read it out, but I've been aware I have looked for what the paragraph says during a brief pause. Yesterday I noticed that the script was more there as a prompt - so I knew where I was going, what I wanted to pick up on and, if my mind did go blank, I had something there to work from. I have also noticed I am much more comfortable adding appropriate content or dropping things if I notice they are not as relevant as I thought they were or I need to move on.


It was strange preaching for the last time at Caledonia Kirk, especially on my last Sunday there (better to go out with a bang than a whimper, I suppose!). I'd love to say I'll miss it, but that would be a lie. It was a very good learning experience, though. And there are many people there who I know will be interested to learn where I go and will remember me in their prayers.

Following my sermon, the worship leader (yes, that's what they call the praise band leader) told the congregation what he thought I said. I have noticed that happens most of the time and it bugs my happiness. I think it can give the impression that what they say is what the congregation should take away from the sermon. I disagree, as there are many ways the message can be taken - I know people have said they have taken one thing from a sermon and I've thought "did I say that," but I wouldn't contradict them.

After the service, there were a few good comments. Some were about being challenged or thinking in new ways. One person, coming down the stairs, said he'd had to switch his hearing aid off, but I couldn't work out if that was he didn't like it or I don't really need the mic! There were a few people who seemed to be almost waxing lyrical about it, so much so a member of the congregation who was elsewhere yesterday emailed me, saying they'd heard it was "tremendous." That was very humbling as they used to preach.

In my sermon, I talked about some of the work the congregation does. I know that doesn't often get acknowledged within the church. One member of that group said that they sometimes wonder why they bother, but I had reassured them. If it was just for them I was called to preach that message yesterday, then great. God knows they work they do and their commitment to the people they reach out to.

So, a bit of a break before I head off for my work experience at Railway Crossing linked with First Stop. I'm going to take the opportunity to chum spot on May's edition of "50 acts of worship." Be nice to worship together for a change.

Making sure

I'm preaching on Sunday, with the bible passages from Matthew 6:1-4 and Matthew 25:31-46. The theme is "Looking after the poor."

So far, I've written 2 sermons and neither seem quite right. Normally, I'd be thinking of printing tonight, as Saturday's are my day off and I don't like waiting to Sunday morning to do my printing (paranoia that we'll be out of ink or the printer won't work or something else. But this time I am going to wait till Sunday morning. Hopefully by then I will be happy with what I am going to say - after all it has to be God#s message and not mine. At the moment, I'm not sure if it is.

Getting assessed

Yesterday, I took as much of the service as I could at Caledonia Kirk. This was as I was being assessed by the speech trainer from ministries council. As no one really does much more than one part of the service, a couple of people did mention they wondered why I was doing so much (I did the opening prayer, children's talk and sermon).

Though I was nervous, I was also strangely relaxed about this. It was the third time I've preached at Caledonia, but first time I've done a children's talk there. And it's the second time I've been assessed by the speech trainer, who's lovely and really wants to help and encourage all the candidates.

A couple of things helped with the sense of 'comfort' (sorry, I can't think of a better word. Acceptance that I have this gift, but with the humility and knowledge I am doing it in God's strength, not mine, with the prayers others leading worship offered on my behalf before the service (and throughout the week for some). Though I do not come from a church culture where others would be told so often they are being prayed for (more likely, they'd be told they were thinking of them), I do appreciate them. Its touching and humbling that in all these people have going on in their lives, they have the time and thoughtfulness to pray for me - me a mere student who's only been there for 3 months!

Over all, I felt my contribution to the service went really well. I have definitely grown in confidence and competence since the speech trainer saw me this time last year. That is down to experience, though I know the academic study does help a lot, as I have more tools and materials to work from. Practise and study go hand in hand, that's for sure.

I did slightly stumble in the opening prayer and I'm not entirely sure why. But I recovered and the speech trainer, though noting it, didn't see it as an issue and did mention most would not have noticed. The other aspects flowed, which was heartening. I even got a good bit of interaction with the children, which was a relief, given it was the first one (no pressure, when being assessed). I thought I engaged the congregation as well as the children, and the speech trainer waxed lyrical about my interaction with them and the congregation, so it's good to know my reflections match the reality!

The sermon went surprisingly well. I had the difficult job (my choice) of talking about kingdom and covenant in the Lord's prayer. I thought I was using my notes for an acceptable bit of it, but knew them well enough that I wasn't reading them and was able to engage with the congregation. I also felt I had a good pace, volume, story, flow etc (and I did get quite passionate about the work of Crossreach - in context, of course). A few people mentioned how they noticed my passion come across and that really drew them in. All of this was acknowledged by the speech trainer. He also told me (and in hindsight, I can see it) that I was very courageous, that I would make my points, drawing people in, making eye contact with them, then (and only then) I would refer to my notes for the next bit.

After the service, I have loads of people thanking me. A few even said they felt very challenged, but in a good way. That's what I hoped for, and pray it was God's word they heard and not mine, but that's always my prayer.

Kindgom and Covenant

I am preaching a week on Sunday (I, know, seems a long way off, but uni starts on Monday!). For January, my supervisor is preaching the 'theme' for the year, around Kingdom and Covenant. So, I am following this pattern. (As a 'get it off my chest aside', this differs from what I was told when arrangements were made for me preaching that day. I was told we'd be back to following the book they are using. Glad I hadn't began work based on that information. Sigh. All part of the learning)

Why? Because I'm a guest there and because I know it'll be difficult for me. But I like a challenge - that's one of the reasons I asked for Caledonia Kirk as a placement.

What immediately occurred to me the Lord's prayer (especially the version in Matthew's gospel) could be a possibility for dealing with the kingdom. I'm currently reading "The Lord and His Prayer" by Tom Wright (which I have had for a few weeks, with every intention to read during my uni break and only started after I'd found out the theme for my preaching). According to Wright, if the terms of the Lord's Prayer are fully understood, then God's kingdom and covenant are fully revealed.

I have done some additional reading around the Lord's prayer and it's coming to light in a whole new way for me. If that's the case for me, there's bound to be people at Caledonia who'd appreciate it too. I just hope I can, once again, remain true to myself without being disrespectful of the theology at Caledonia.

(Again, another aside rant. Why is it respect isn't always reciprocated? I am trying to understand other theologies - which is part of the reason I chose Caledonia. I know with that greater understanding, I can be more respectful and better able to engage with those with a more conservative theology than my own. But I don't necessarily feel my viewpoint is respected.)

More on God is love

I've now met with my supervisor and he, generally, felt I preached well on Sunday. I delivered well, had a good beginning (though he felt there wasn't an ending - I'll come back to that) and raised a couple of questions.

One question was around a comment I'd made that I an no theologian. He called me to task on this, as I am being theologically trained. I could see where he was coming from, but think that's down to my understanding of what my statement really meant, which could be a sermon in itself. Basically, my calling is not as a theologian, but as a minister. While theology will (and does) inform that, it is not who I am. In my first degree cartography played a bit part, but I am no cartographer. That said, though other places I have preached (on and off placement) would have understood where I was coming from, it's good to keep my supervisor's comments in mind as different congregations may interpret that in different ways.

Though I preached on love and defined it by way of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, I did not define it beyond that. My supervisor felt I should have made a practical application of love. Mmmh. I did ask the congregation to reflect on what Paul's words meant and how they could apply them to their lives, but left it at that. That was deliberate, as I think sometimes it's good for congregations to be left with questions and routes to explore, rather than be given all the answers. Not something I'd do all the time, but think there's no harm doing so occasionally.

I did let my supervisor know I was trying to hold in tension my own inclusive, moderate theology with the knowledge many in the congregation were more conservative. I wanted to be true to myself, without coming across as disrespectful or dismissive of where they were coming from, after all, I am a guest there. My supervisor did comment he respected my bravery for doing that.

So, overall, good. Some things to keep in mind. I am also aware preaching is easier (for preacher and congregation) where they are known to each other. That's a relationship I can only develop over time with a congregation, as I get to know them and them me. Then I might get away with saying I am not a theologian (perhaps I should have said great theologian?).

God is love

I preached at Caledonia Kirk today. They don't generally follow the lectionary, while I do. This week, though, I looked at the lectionary texts and decided to go my own way. This is forging new ground for me, as the lectionary is my default mechanism. It wasn't that I whimped out, but felt God was calling me to preach a message the lectionary texts would not necessarily have allowed me to.

As my theology an inclusive one, whereas my supervisor and many others at Caledonia Kirk are conservative, it was a struggle for me preparing for today. I need to be who God has called, to be true to who I am and preach the message God wants his people to hear, which only I can deliver (that alone is such a responsibility!), but that needed to be held in tension with respecting and honouring where the Caledonia Kirk congregation are coming from. (Why do I get myself into these situations? Why is it me who has to say the hard things and cut to the chase?)

So, with this being the first Sunday in Advent, as the church prepares for the coming of Jesus, God incarnate, into the world, I preached on 1 John 4:4-19, focusing on 1 John 4:7b ("Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God"). It was an inclusive message and may have been a hard message for some in the congregation to listen to. But it was what God wanted me to say, I firmly believe.

Interestingly, after I last preached I felt it went really well and everyone made the right noises, but I'd somehow let myself and, more importantly, God down. But that was due to the restrictions from I had from the book the church is following for non-festival preaching and it being my first time there, so I was getting the measure of the congregation. This time, though I may not have presented quite as well (though I am probably really critiquing myself, but I set myself high standards), I was true to who I am and God's word from me in that time and place. A bit like the prophets, I said what God needed said, with courage and confidence, knowing people may not like it, but with the knowledge I have to be true to God's call.

Unusually, I didn't stray from my notes. I also think I used them a bit more than I have, but that could be I am increasingly aware of how I present myself.

Afterwards, feedback was good. A couple of people commented on liking my direct approach (and if you know me, you'd know that's how I am - I call a spade a spade), some appreciated the general message that God is love and God loves everyone (which I was a bit surprised by). One person did say she like almost all my sermon, except my comment that "Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God", even though I was quoting from scripture, as she felt there are people who are loving, but don't know God. I couldn't necessarily agree with her, but like the fact she did tell me.

It will be interesting to hear what my supervisor thought. He didn't say anything at the time, which I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I have a meeting later this week, so will see and I humbly listen to what he has to say.

Oh, and I got this played before I began preaching. I did wonder whether I could have just stood up and said "here endeth the sermon". I did say that at the start of the sermon and got quite a positive reaction!

Staying true to me

I've been asked to preach at Caledonia Kirk on the first Sunday in Advent. Normally, I'd use the lectionary to inform the bible passage(s) I'd select, but as it's not used at Caledonia Kirk. Also, I want to stretch and challenge myself, being on placement seems a good place to do so.

So, what to do? It's the first Sunday of the month, so will also be a service where the congregation are encouraged to invite friends and neighbours along to church. So, there's potentially people who have never been to church before or haven't attended for a very long time. A 'new audience'; for want of a better phrase!

A danger I can see is I preach to fit in, rather than what I feel called to say. The flip hand to that, though, is I could preach on my hobby-horse and not the message God wants me to give. Oh, it's all so complicated!

I know I must stay true to who I am. I specifically chose this placement as it's different in theology as well as worship style from where I am coming from, but that doesn't make either more or less valid. That said, I do believe congregations should have their theologies challenged as well as nurtured. I know I am just the kind of person who will stir things up a bit, it's almost in my DNA. Whether I like it or not, it is who I am and it is I God called, not the person Caledonia Kirk would like me to be (if that makes sense). I firmly believe if I don't stay true to myself now, how can I do that in wherever I land up ministering? It's just a wee bit daunting knowing a prophet's words aren't always liked. At least it's not my home town, though!

Sunday's reflection

I preached for the first time at Caledonia Kirk yesterday. Generally, I felt it went well, though I suspect my theology wasn't 'in sync' with that the congregation are used to.

I didn't get much feedback, but that which I did get was positive, with some people specifically coming to speak to me. The best comment was "tell is like it is, sister!", which was great.

I know I was nervous, but have now learnt how to use that to my benefit. For me, that nervousness keeps me grounded and reminds me I feel this is important. From some comments I received, it would seem most do not pick up on the nerves, which is good.

I know I come across as confident when I preach. I hope that's the right sort of confidence and does not become an arrogant or cocky one. Given the nerves and that fact I am concerned about that happening would suggest that's unlikely, though I suspect there may have been people in the congregation who were surprised at my confident delivery. Nothing explicitly was said, but just a feeling I got.

There was a couple of very minor errs. So small, I'm just commenting to acknowledge them, but not get too concerned with. If anyone (except my supervisor - well, they are supposed to picking up on these things) noticed I would be surprised.

I felt the message was clear, both in terms of content and presentation. A couple of people who did comment did confirm this.

So, all in all, I feel I delivered a well thought out, constructed and delivered sermon. It picked up the theme I was given (your past is not your future), though reflected my theology and understanding of God. It may not have reflected some of the congregations views, but I have to preach what is true to me, otherwise I will lose all integrity, and what God is calling me to say.

It'll be interesting discussing it with my supervisor.

It never ceases to amaze me how I seem to have been given a special gift for preaching. I wonder what God has planned to do with me through it. Knowing me, rattle a few cages...

First and last

I lead the whole act of worship yesterday for the first and last time at Highland Cathedral. Generally, it went well, flowed and came together as a coherent unit.

Being the first time here I was really nervous, but tried to use that to my advantage, rather than let it use me. That paid off to a certain extent, though as I was preaching I did stumble over a couple of words. I know I did that a bit more than I usually do (it's not like me at all), but it was a bit like a tickly cough - annoying and the more I tried to deal with it, the more it happened. Just need to remember, if that happens, to take a deep breath, pause for a second and move on. I know from feedback from my supervisor he felt that most of the congregation would not have picked up on it, which is good as I would hate that it distracted from them hearing God's message, but I know I need to remain conscious that I try to get it right. Again, I know that will come with experience.

The preamble for the sermon was a little long. A member of the congregation mentioned that to me (as the one thing wrong - they thought everything else was spot on) and I felt that was very fair comment. Again, I know that was in part down to lack of experience. With more experience I would have had the confidence to cut part of my preamble, but didn't yesterday. Again, something to bear in mind when I preach.

 did use some 'Mrs Gerbilisms' - one was from my native region and another was mine. I sometimes combine two words or make up new ones, especially when nervous. The disturbing thing is, people still understand me! My supervisor just advised me that might be a problem if I went to a posh congregation in Edinburgh or Glasgow. I don't see that being a problem as I really do not feel called to either of those cities (I should be careful what I say - God may have other plans).

The children's address didn't go as I'd planned. No children were prepared to help me (which wasn't just me - they don't really do anything for my supervisor either, though they don't know me as well as they know him and I am aware that also has an impact). Because no children helped I was going to move on, but someone from the congregation, without prompting from me, got up to help. I took that all in my stride and adapted the activity to what had happened. The message still came across and the children (and congregation) seemed to enjoy it. I know it's good I was able to adapt well and cope with the changes. So, looks like children's addresses, which were my nemesis at my last placement, are now coming together well.

But all of this is being pedantic. It looks like I have a natural gift for leading worship, which is a wee bit handy for a ministry candidate! That said, I hope I never become complacent and begin to rely on my own skills and forget I must always rely on God and the gifts he has given me. I know the nerves I get before worship help to focus my mind and also remind me how important what I am about to do is.

The right style for the people

I was preaching for the second time this placement on Sunday. I'm all too aware I need to preach what I feel God needs me to say to a congregation, not what I want to say. Also, I wanted to try a different style of sermon yesterday. I've not really developed a 'pattern' in my style and I'd (to a certain extent) like to keep it that way. It could get repetitive for the congregation and different styles will work for different people.

Thing is, yesterday I preached in a style that I don't actually like too much.  I retold the story of Joseph being sold to slavery, from his prospective in the well into which his brothers had thrown him. Generally, I feel that's making stuff up. There's plenty good stories in the bible and the actual reading is one of them. But I felt called to preach that way for that congregation at this time. At another time or in another place that wouldn't have worked.

I know I used my notes a bit more than I usually do, because it was a style different from that I have done before, though no one really picked up on that. I did 'wake' a few members of the congregation up when I shouted (it was in context - I was talking about Joseph wanting to shout). Not that they were really sleeping, but it definitely got their attention.

Feedback was limited, though positive. I know it wasn't as good as last time at Highland Cathedral and it is the Scottish mentality to not praise people too much (fine by me, it makes me squirm).

Over tea after the service I sat at a table with some of the members. I didn't sit with them to be complemented, but they did. One lady waxed lyrical about me being very spiritual and there was obviously a power greater than me speaking through me as I preached. I know I couldn't do what I do without God at my back and following where he leads me through the Holy Spirit.

Preaching today

I preached for the first time today at Highland Cathedral. Before the service began and while I gathered my thoughts I was nervous, but tried to use that to my advantage.

I did use the personal anecdote I was swithering about using earlier in the week. I wasn't sure if it would be the right thing to do nor if I would manage to say what was needed to be said without coming across as either too emotional or inappropriate. In the end, I feel I found the right balance and I made the correct choice, though wouldn't do it every week.

To begin with I was a wee bit fast. I realised this and changed pace when I moved to from introductions to biblical reflection. I know this was because I was nervous, though feedback indicates most people did not pick up on this and my diction was very clear all the way through.

After the service I received almost universally good feedback. Constructive feedback told me I was clear in terms of content and diction. I was also told by a few people that they found it very thought provoking, sincere and reassuring. One person did say it was alright and would tell my why it was just alright later, though even my supervisor who heard the comment was confused by that and, pretty much, told me to disregard it, given the other feedback he'd heard.

So, I need to be aware  that I don't get off to too much of a rattling start, but that didn't impede even those with hearing difficulties. Over all, I feel this was a good, well presented sermon, which spoke to the congregation gathered today.