Decision time

My local review is tomorrow afternoon. I'm less anxious about it than I think I should be. I suppose I've done my 6 months placement, the various reports have been written and I know what I know. There's not much more I can do to prepare myself for it.

I pray God will give me the right words and actions that the review panel will see Him calling me. It's in His hands now.

Nearly finished

Last night I spent the evening filling in the applicant's report form for the end of the co-ordinated field assessment. I've been at this placement since early July, so the new year will also be an end of it too.

I was surprised how long filling in the form took me - 2.5-3 hours - but I have done and learnt so much during this time with my assessor. I actually feel I could have written more, but it was perhaps getting excessive as it was!

Now, I'll wait and see what my PDI and local assessor's reports say. Hopefully, I don't disagree with then too much, particularly my assessor.

I'm much more aware of where I am, with my call and my self, following this placement. I've also been much more reflective and open to learning than I was at my last placement, though my assessor there didn't make that easy - late or no feedback, irregular meetings etc. That said, I was probably breezing through, not really engaging with the process and he was ill too.

I'm be sad to leave my current placement, but I know I'll have to get used to this if I'm accepted for training. I also know it's going to be stage going back to my home church and just sitting in the pews, though I think I'll make the most of it while I still can!

I may be nearly finished this part of my journey, but God alone knows where the rest of my journey will lead.

Sunday coming

As I mentioned here, I'm leading the whole service on Sunday. Everything, bar the children's address, is prepared. I let my assessor have a look at my early drafts for advice/feedback and have taken her advice on board. There wasn't much which needed changed - I'd even made some changes along the lines of the ones she suggested prior to her getting back to me. The biggest changes I made were to my opening prayer, which was far too "wordy". My assessor didn't think it needed changed, but when I re-read it I thought, that just doesn't sound like me at all.

I hope the service comes together okay and I get God's message of love to the congregation.

Now, I've to wrap empty boxes for the children's address.

Third pre-delivery inspection

I had my third PDI yesterday. Officially it's called a personal development interview, but given the letters are the same as the letter for a pre-delivery inspection on a new car, my hubbie (and now I) refer to it as such. In some ways, I suppose it is - a mental inspection before the local review. But, that's neither here nor there...

The interviewer was the same as my last 2 PDIs. So at least I knew the person I was going to see, if not the questions he'd put to me. Firstly he asked why I'd had an extension on my placement.

I told him it was as I'd not had a chance to look at some aspects of ministry and to show my last assessor how I'd learnt from various issues which had come to light at my last placement. Given my current placement is a full 6 month one and at a new place, it has been being treated by my new assessor as a clean slate, so to speak.

My PDI interviewer asked how I dealt with criticism. I gave an example which he said could be regarded more as my assessor teaching me. Although that is partly true, I told the PDI interviewer how I view all feedback - either positive or negative - as criticism. I listen to it and, most of the time, use that feedback for the next time I'm in a similar situation. If there's something which has been pointed out to me that I don't agree with the other person's stand point I'll explain why I've done something a certain way. I'm not sure ff that was the answer either ministries council, my local review team etc will like, but it was honest.

My interviewer asked how I dealt with conflict. Unfortunately, that hasn't been something I've had to deal with in my current placement and I recall was something which my last local review stated I needed to look at. I did say I've had situations at work where a group of my colleagues have been discussing a big news item. Although I agreed the crime was appalling I thought the full condemnation of the criminal was excessive. I suggested to my colleagues to think about possibly why the criminal would be like that. My interviewer liked the idea of me using the example of getting people to look at situations from others' prospectives.

I was also asked what style of decision making I would have in ministry. Autocratic of democratic? Democratic. Getting as many people, from the congregation (and wider community), as possible on board strikes me as the best way to go. I did say I was aware sometimes I would have to make decision which may be unpopular with everyone. That said, I would still try to get as many people as possible on board and, hopefully, they would see why the difficult decision had to be made.

So, I wait to see what my latest PDI report says. Perhaps I'm being negative, but I don't think it's going to be as favourable as my last one! Oh well, if God's really calling me, I'll get exactly what I need.

Reflection on worship

It was a Sunday in the pews for me yesterday. This gave me an opportunity to reflect on worship, as this is part of the CFA my assessor and I haven't touched on too much yet.

So, what did I notice?

Well, why does my assessor start the service (call to worship, opening hymn and prayer) from the pulpit? This only happens for the 11am service, not the 9:30. I would have thought there should be consistency.

Prior the call to worship to quote my assessor "the choir sing while we prepare ourselves for worship. Why is this necessary? Again, the choir is only there for the 11am service. Also, it has to be said the choir can't sing...really, there's only one who can. I found this actually quite distracting - it felt as though the choir didn't really care about the words they were singing. This did not prepare me for worship...

If all the intimations are on the printed order of service, why read them all out? Also, where should they be. There's a bit of me thinks intimations, although necessary for a whole load of reasons, aren't part of worshiping God. Why not have them prior to the "official" start of worship (i.e. call to worship).

If there's anyone ill or recently bereaved in the congregation (or maybe parish too - I'll need to check), their names are read out prior to the intercession prayer, for thoughtful inclusion. Is this really appropriate? My assessor (and I'd agree with her, broadly) feels intercession prayers should be worded to be inclusive, rather than exclusive. That way the prayer can speak to all - the leader of prayer will not know the troubles of an individual and, having an inclusive prayer will support them in their troubles, rather than them thinking "what about me?". Given that, does reading out the list of ill and bereaved just before the intercession contradict that philosophy? I think there is a place for those who are ill and bereaved to be included, but not necessarily just before the intercession (and as an introduction to it).

I've mentioned it before, (here) and I'll mention it again. Where should prayer be? My assessor explained she has all prayers before the sermon as it disburdens the congregation before the breaking of the word. I had mentioned about the theme of the sermon - the congregation may empathise with the intercession more once they're heard the sermon. Her rational was the whole service leads to the sermon (which, to be fair, it does), so the theme should come across via the hymns and bible readings (to an extent the children's address, but there isn't one during the 9:30 service). With that in mind I was looking out for the theme - love always with us, I think - so I'd be aware of it for the intercession prayer. Well, I didn't really hear the theme reflected in the prayer, but perhaps I'd got the theme wrong?

Why does the pulpit have to be used for preaching?

At the close of the service, after the benediction, there is a recessional hymn. Why? I think that may be custom and practice at my placement as I've never experienced it anywhere else.

And, following on from last week's post, I hadn't really noticed how little my assessor doesn't change her voice at all. I know it's difficult to put the right balance of inflection into the voice, but I feel it's necessary so it doesn't sound like reading off a message line. I hate to say this, as my assessor is lovely, but there was certain point where I really didn't care what she was saying as some of what she was saying sounded as though she didn't really care. I know, from working with her, that's not the case, but how presentation can make a huge difference to the same words.

So, lots to think about and discuss at my next meeting. Tonight, I'm attending the pastoral care meeting then, if there's time, doing a hospital visit.

Expanding my vision

The Church of Scotland took a group of children to Malawi during the summer. One of the members of the group is a member of the congregation at my placement church.

Members of the group gave a presentation at the church last night. It was a great testament to my placement church that their member was comfortable telling 100 people of her experience. It was also a testament to the vision of the child support person from 121 to take children to Malawi - to invest in the future and present of the church.

But, that isn't the reason for this post. During the presentation more of my vision (literally) flashed before me. I couldn't concentrate on anything else as the vision wouldn't go away. I think the Holy spirit was making sure I wrote it down, so I use God's words...

My vision is one where I minister to a church where

1. Everyone has ownership - it's their church, whether they're 1 month old or 90 years old.
2. There is investment in future - if the children and young people do not feel integral to the church, the church will die.
3. Honour of the old and the contribution they have and still make - I think there is a danger of investing so much in children and youth that the old people in the church are marginalised. That's a great waste of skills, knowledge and experience, which could (and should) be used to fulfil 2.
4. Where old learn from young as well as young learning from old.
5. Where seeds of faith are sown, watered and nurtured. The investment may not bear fruit for the congregation I minister to, but God will reap the fruit. That's the important part of the investment - we are investing for God.
6. Where God's love through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ, is the basis of of the faith of my church.
7. Where that Christian faith defines the way the church serves the parish, wider community and world.
8. Where all are truly welcome and feel at home in the church, no matter their background, circumstances or need. We all need God's love, forgiveness and redemption through Jesus Christ.

Not much of a vision, but it's mine. Personally, as I look at this list I see an ordinary parish minister doing ordinary ministerial things to spread God's love to that parish, the wider community and world.

Very productive

My regular meeting with my assessor was last night. I'm much more relaxed than I was at our last meeting - perhaps because I was honest with how I was feeling and was in a better frame of mind going there. Either way, it was a productive meeting. Oh, I know it looks a while since I met one-on-one with my assessor, but she's been on holiday and then there was my CFA agreement meeting 2 weeks ago. I know the meetings are going to be pretty much fortnightly as our next one's booked and was before yesterday's, but I digress!


We discussed how I felt about leading the "introduction of thought" on Sunday. I said I felt it went well, but I was pretty nervous. She said she had noticed my nervousness, but wanted to hear my comments on it before giving hers. She re-assured me by saying she picked up on the nervousness as she's been there and it's her role as my local assessor to pick up on these things. She gave me a few hints to help with children's addresses (as the introduction of thought pretty much is one). In particular, she suggested I just make bullet point notes rather than write the whole thing, that way it might flow better. I did mention I was more worried because it was an adult "audience". They could well know more than I do!!!


We also went through my CFA agreement to pick out things I can do and be involved with. As part of the agreement I asked to do 2 sermons and 1 whole service. Obviously, one of the sermons will be during the whole service. The dates when I'm doing those have been set. 1st November for the sermon (where I'll also select 2 hymns) and 13th December for the whole service.


As I mentioned in my last post, my placement church uses Living Stones. There are books for different ages and whole congregation worship, so the whole service will come together for both the adults and the children. That's what I'm used to and I firmly believe it's how it should be done. That way the children's address leads into Sunday School and the sermon. With that in mind, my assessor gave me a copy of the resources from the current Living Stones book for my sermon on 1st November. Once they have the materials for 13th December, she'll give me that too.


As part of my CFA agreement, I asked under "special interests" to talk with others about their call. My assessor didn't think that was necessary, in terms of talking to ministers, deacons etc. How did she put it? Something along the lines of "you're following you're call". Perhaps talking to others about their call made her think I was doubting my own? So, on my form it says "explore various ministries" or similar. Last night my assessor asked why I'd asked for that. On reflection from the CFA agreement meeting, I think the spirit was moving me to ask for that as every Christian is called by God in some way and, as a minister it's important to tell everyone that and encourage them to use their call, if that makes sense? I explained this to my assessor and, although a little puzzled, seemed okay with that.

So, it's going to be a busy while. That said, my assessor did mention she needs to make sure I don't exceed my 8 hours per week. I did tell her I don't mind, but she said "OH, we don't want to overload you at this stage". Which is nice.

I asked my assessor some of the questions I've had. I mentioned about my last local review and the part of the decision which stated I need to address how I deal with expressing my opinions. She explained she didn't want to bring that up until 3 months (argh, half way!!!) into this CFA, as she wanted to she the "real" me. She feels if I concentrated on that too soon she'd not see who I really am and that wouldn't be good. It will be addressed though - at my next local review she'll need to tell the panel how it was dealt with apparently. I was happy with that as I now know why it hadn't been brought up yet.

At my placement church, the children don't go into worship during school holidays. That's why the children's address becomes the refection of thought. I asked about this, as I think children shouldn't be excluded from worship, but the system at my placement seems to work. Apparently, the children are welcome in worship, but want to have their own space during the holidays- doing crafts, going to the park and such like stuff. Completely their choice. Fair enough. If that makes the kids happy, why not?!

So, lots to do and reflect on. I'm really looking forward to it all...

New experiences

A couple of new experiences today. Firstly, I presented what my placement church calls the reflection of thought. This takes the position of the children's address when the Sunday School isn't on. Their Sunday School starts next week.

My assessor sent me the material for it. They are using Living Stones materials, which follows the 3 year lectionary cycle. The material I was given I could have pretty much just read verbatum, but I re-wrote it to make it a little more "adult", if that makes sense?

I was actually quite nervous doing it. It's different to anything I've done before, yet the same. I've done sermons (two) and children's addresses. This seems to sit somewhere in the middle and I'm still a little confused by it. That's another thing I need to discuss with my assessor, just to find out the rational, as it seems to really work in her congregation.

Anyway, I'm slightly digressing. It seemed to go well. Even though I was nervous, I managed to crack a joke. After the service one of the worship team told me they'd really enjoyed it and I managed to get the message over clearly. That was really re-assuring, especially coming from someone who's had to do it too.

The other new thing was a meeting with the Sunday School leaders. My assessor gets them to do the children's address and the meeting was to discuss who would do which weeks and select the children's hymn for each week. Well, generally I don't do Sunday afternoons. Anything after 1:30 I regard as my time. This is a rule my hubbie and I started when we first moved in together so even if we had a really busy week and Saturday, there would be at least 1 afternoon a week where we could do something nice together. That said, my assessor told me the meeting starts at 12:30 and generally last no more than an hour. Okay, I can handle that - still finished by 1:30.

But, it didn't start until nearer to 1:10. At 2 I had to make my apologises and go. Harsh I know, but I can't let it slip.

However, the meeting went well. I've been signed up to do 1 address before Advent. I also made a couple of suggestions for hymns - one of which I didn't know, but the words really tied in with the theme. No-one else knew it, but it was selected on the basis of the words. I felt I coped well in the meeting - I listened to others and shared my opinion where appropriate. Just a normal meeting, really.

So, that's about it for now. More will follow soon, I'm sure!

That was nice

I bumped into a member of the church I had my last placement in this morning. We chatted for a little while and she was really happy to see me and interested in where I am now.

I told her where I was and I was still in the middle of the selection process. "Oh, I really enjoyed hearing you during your time with us" she told me "I would be surprised if you weren't selected".

I was really quite touched by her sincerity, warmth and genuine interest in how I am. My encounter with her really lifted me and has shown me my time at my last placement did leave a positive impression.

Thank God for that!

Paranoia

I was having a conversation with my assessor yesterday about my family's experiences with a life long illness. Overnight, I felt I'd more talked at her than talked with her, so e-mailed to apologise.

She sent a lovely reply telling me I hadn't talked to her but shared my experience. She also said she'd always be honest with me when I was talking at her (or others, for that matter).

So, it looks like something I have to learn is where the line is. I know I can, though not often, be guilty of being a little too knowledgeable about stuff (I do mean stuff - I seem to just know a lot about a lot) and thinking people want to hear. So, I'm self-aware enough to know I can talk at other on occasion, but I need to learn when I'm doing it. From what my assessor said, it doesn't look as though I do it when I think I am. Mmh, I think I'm paranoid after my last placement, where when I shared my experiences, I was accused of filling silences.

Good, another thing to learn, reflect on and grow in during these 6 months. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and being more comfortable with myself. I know my new assessor won't judge me for things I share with her. I always felt my last assessor did. This can only be positive for me and discerning my call. I really think God has given me the best opportunity I could have with this new placement. I pray I am worthy of the opportunity.

Prayers for everyone

I wrote and led the intersession prayers at both services at my placement church this morning (they have a 9:30 and 11:00 service every Sunday). I don't have much experience writing intersession prayers - at my last placement I only once was allowed to led the intersession prayer and that was by the locum. With that in mind, I e-mailed my local assessor copies of it for her feedback. Her comments were great. Good constructive criticism, taking my style into account, but helping me with content.

At the first service, I merely said "let us pray", or words to that effect prior to beginning prayer. I was a little nervous and that is what I have been used to. Although my assessor and I didn't get much chance to chat before the next service, she did comment I perhaps should say more than that, so the service can be followed by all, not just those who attend every Sunday, thereby making the service more inclusive rather than exclusive. Also, we are leading the service, guiding the congregation through it. Properly introducing the prayers is part of that process.

With that in mind, at the next service I properly introduced the prayer along the lines of "we now bring our prayers for others and the world before God". It was different from what I'm used to, but I prefer that. Someone could have just come into church for what ever reason when they've never been before. Properly introducing the elements, but not patronising those who "know" what to expect is a fine line, but I feel it's important to also make sure everyone in the congregation follows what's going on. I will remember this lesson and remember it.

As for the prayer itself. I felt a bit nervous. Yes, it's not the first time I've led prayers, but not in this church. Also, would people hear me, would my words speak to them, would the feel closer to God through listening to my words? I hope so. I received a lot of positive comments from both congregations, which is encouraging. Some asked how I'd felt about it and I told them I had been a little nervous. They said it didn't come over in my voice. I'm please of that as they may have concentrated on that rather than my words. Also, everyone could hear me.

During the prayer, although I was nervous, I felt I was being supported by the Holy spirit. I believe that is why my nervousness didn't come across. I felt the holy spirit more today than I have felt during services I have been involved with as my CFA, even at my former placement. This may be after Friday's prayer, but I think it is also my assessor prayer with me prior to the services that God would be with and guide us through them. It's amazing the difference handing things over to God can make.

I'm not involved in worship next week as a very good friend of mine is getting married and it's shaping up to be a very hectic weekend. That said, I would still like to be part of the worship at my placement church, ever though there is no obligation to be there. Although I've only been there 2 weeks, I really feel part of the church there. It really is a pleasure being there and worshiping with them. Even in a busy weekend, I will always find time for worship of and to be with God.

The right direction?

I had my first proper formal meeting with my new local assessor last night. I feel I learnt more in 1½ hours with her about the assessment process - what it means for me and what the church requires from it - than I did during my time with my last supervisor.

She told me why the Church of Scotland has this process for selecting candidates for ministry - because unless the call really is from God and guided in the holy spirit, it can destroy the individual, the church or both. That makes sense. I wish that had been explained to me at my last placement. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been as resentful (looking back that's what I was) of having to go through the process. I need to show change and growth in the placement; to learn my strengths and weaknesses. Through this knowledge I will learn more about myself, my gifts, my call.

She asked me to tell her about my call. How it came and how I felt about it. I explained it was something that I'd been aware of for around 20 years, but it always seemed to come from other people - "you'd make a good minister", "have you ever thought of becoming a minister" etc. I felt that was others opinions. I did other things, but it kept rearing its head. I'd look for other jobs and again others would suggest ministry. I'd feel a voice inside me saying "no, that's not what I want you to do, you know what it is", so to speak. Then, at the National Gathering last year, when the Archbishop of York called people forward I felt I had to go forward and say "here I am God, use me".

It all seemed okay to me, but my assessor challenged me about it. The church has to be sure the call is God's, not mine or those around me. I hadn't really mentioned God during my spiel (I thought that was implicit, but hay, that's part of the learning I need to do during this placement) and there was a word she'd like to hear I didn't use. I can't think what it was - spirit, submit, minister - and she didn't enlighten me, which is fair enough as I need to find my words to express something that is very difficult to put into words.

I like the way she challenged me. It was a "there are the facts, this is what the church needs, this is what you need to do". Not judgemental or critical. Very positive, helpful and supportive. She even emphasised she wasn't detracting from my call - she wasn't saying I am not called, but make sure you are. That's what my time at my placement is for.

So, at the moment, I'm having a period of doubt. It has been over a year since I made my first steps of exploring my call by attending the enquirers' conference. I had felt God's call for several years, but kept ignoring it, suppressing it, running away from it. The spirit moved me to step forward at the National Gathering and commit myself more fully to God, that He may act through me and I can serve Him in the way He has been calling me for so long. But, after last night, and this is by no means a criticism of my assessor, I don't know any more. Why ministry of word and sacrament? Why not youth ministry, or parish assistant, or deacon?

I don't know (well, I do about youth ministry, but as for the rest?). Perhaps, as I said in another post (here) I am at the fork in the road in my travels with God. Now I must discern which path He wants me to take. I also need to tread the very fine line between knowing my calling and being open to a change in direction.
I feel, in this placement, I will be able to really follow God's calling. I pray He gives me the words to express the calling He has given me. The cross I must carry.

Patience

I was away when the letter from Ministries council finally arrived with the details on my next CFA placement, so there was about a week and a half delay between the letter being sent and me being able to contact my local assessor. Given the time of year, not too bad I thought. Besides, it had been nearly 3 months since my last local review, so ministries council weren't exactly quick off the mark.

Well, today ministries council were in touch chasing-up my CFA agreement. I explained I had been away and had only briefly met with my local assessor after last Sunday's service to make introductions. The person at ministries council seemed a little surprised by that. Err, you keep me waiting for 3 months then chase me up after 2 weeks...patience is a virtue.

I'm doing to readings on Sunday at my new placement and rather looking forward to it. My local assessor wants me to enter the church with me, so she can introduce me to the congregation. That's very different from my last one were I was to sit in the pews and I was pointed out. I think I prefer the new local assessor's way of doing.

Now, I'm going to hang out the washing and pick some strawberries. What a thrilling way to spend a Friday evening. If there's enough strawberries I might make jam...

Chalk and cheese?

I attended the church where I'll be doing my next 6 months of CFA today. It's a fairly new building, but that's a replacement to another which went on fire.

It was a really friendly welcome with everyone on the door even shaking hand with us. That's something I've never experienced at any church I've ever visited! Prior to the service starting, there was a lively buzz about the place, with the congregation chatting in fellowhsip with one another. Where my hubbie and I sat all those around us said "hello" or "good morning". Quite a change from my last placement!

The service was Church of Scotland, but with elements I hadn't encountered before, but I really liked. At the start of the service the minister invites the congregation to say "hello" to those around them. A good bit of inclusion and fellowship, I thought. Also, it took a couple of minutes, so that'll pad out the service!!! The other element I've never encountered before was the whole congregation joins hands during the short song they sing post-benediction. Those around us ensure we were included. I really liked that and think more churches should do it, though I knew at the time (and he later confirmed it) that it was outwith my hubbie's comfort zone!

Post service, I met with the minister briefly. I've already learnt more about why CFA is used than I did in my time at my previous placement. The minister was really down-to-earth and open. I'd hold fire getting too enthused with how wonderful she is now (I've only been to 1 service and met her for 1/2 hour), but I really feel this placement is going to be poles apart from my prior one.

Interesting times ahead, I feel.

New placement

Finally, I've received a letter from Ministries council regarding my next placement. This is to be another 6 months of co-ordinated field assessment.

The only information ministries councils gives is the name, address and telephone number of the minister who's to be my local assessor. A bit of googling allowed me to find the church they are minister of.

I called the minister last night and left a message in their answerphone. Now, I just have to wait to hear from them. Given the time of year, they may well be on holiday.

So, another day in my journey of discerning God's call for me is dawning.

Local review - update

Well, the answer is....


I've had my CFA extended by 6 months and I'm to do it at another church, with another co-ordinator. I must admit, I wasn't especially surprised nor disappointed. I felt with the time I'd lost out on between the CFA date being after 5 months rather than 6, due to starting my extended review late, my supervisor being off sick for 6 (or was it 7) weeks and then me being unavailable following the crash and operation, there was some things I hadn't covered and I hadn't had the opportunity to demonstrate I'd learnt from some experiences (especially the fall-out from January's fellowship meeting).

When my supervisor returned from being off sick, I had mentioned delaying the date of the local review, to take this into account. My supervisor didn't think that was necessary as he thought we'd covered most things. I also discussed delaying post crash and, again, he didn't think it was necessary. Well, looks like I hadn't covered everything. If I had, I wouldn't have thought I'd need an extension (maybe a rejection, but not extension!!!).

Okay, so if it really is my calling to be a minister of word and sacrament (which I firmly still feel called to), I won't be able to being training until next year at least. That said, I also think it will work out for the best. I have learnt from my first placement. I know I didn't look at myself, and my call, as much as I should have. I will be able to do so at my next placement.

God is with me. I really know that. In many ways I feel He's given me this opportunity because I am following His calling.