Knowing me

I have a tendency of being a but of a stirrer. Sometimes I just won't sit quietly and accept a position. I just have to say something. Sometimes, I know, it comes across like I'm a bit of a know-it-all or I don't really know what I'm talking about. Sometimes, I can sound as though I'm not really listening to what I'm being told.

I'm much more mellow in my approach these days and am getting better at not jumping in with both feet. As I say, getting better. I'm not perfect, but have realised if I put my views across more reasonably and at try to show I am taking the other person's views on board, I will be listened to more favourably, rather than my opinions being dismissed out of hand.

I have to admit, though, sometimes it's not my views I'm expressing. Sometimes I know I am doing it to challenge the other person's views; playing devil's advocate I suppose. I think I like to know the person has thought through options they don't want to consider before they really dismiss them. I suppose, too, I sometimes just enjoy good debate. I do, it has to be said, need to be aware the person, time and place where this is okay. Again, this is something I am aware of and an getting better at.

At least I know I am like this. I know who I am and, generally, am aware how this can impact on others. So long as I keep practicing what I preach, I know with God's grace I will use this part of me for the good of individuals and the church. But only if I use it wisely. So, I pray for wisdom.

More thoughts from the weekend

Yes, I really enjoyed the conference. Since then, I have been going over some of what I said and did. I'm reassured knowing the assessors are looking for potential, not the finished article. I also know there was a few questions I could have answered differently/better/more fully. It's done now and it's out of my hands, so I'll not dwell on it.

The topic discussion I led went well. I very much went into leading the discussion. Trying to ask open questions and I did make sure all could have their say. I did give my opinion, but only because another of the applicants asked. I even managed to sum up our points (which were varied and interesting) with just about 1 minute to go. So, I did keep it on time.

During the discussion, I did come out with the cheesiest line I think I've ever come out with. There was nothing wrong with the sentiment, but smell the fromage!!! "It's not about the steeple, it's about the people". Excuse me while I go and throw up in that bucket other there, please!!!

I wish I hadn't told Spot and a couple of friends we were visiting yesterday. Did I get ribbed, or did I get ribbed? I don't think I'll live that one down. Oh well...

I should hear if I've been successful by the end of the week. At least it's quick. I will post the outcome when I know. Thanks again for your prayers and good thoughts.

Wow - that was fun!

This is a quick up-date from selection/assessment conference. It was really great. 8 people, all in the same boat. All working through our call from God. All nervous and excited and overwhelmed and humble.

There was laughter, mainly at the drop and egg from head height exercise (our team was successful; the others broke 3 eggs!). For me, there was challenging questions and affirming encounters.

I will be disappointed if I am unsuccessful, but I wouldn't have missed the experience for the world. I pray the assessors have made the right decisions for God, for the church, for the applicants. And I pray for all the other applicants - they will be find their call, whether now or in the future. God is with us all.

He kept his promises to me this weekend, as he always has and always will.

Selection conference - one week to go

One week today I will be in day two of my selection conference. I'm not saying I'm totally relaxed about it, but I'm not as worked up about it as I feel I should be. I will look at that in a positive light as I firmly feel God is with me and will go ahead to prepare the way for me.

Over the rest of the week I need to re-read my journal, make notes for the discussion topic, fill in the medical form (must remember, must remember) and pray - a lot.

Your prayers and thoughts for next weekend will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Self-assessment of today's sermon

My sermon went well today. After both services many of the congregation thanked me for my sermon. Particularly I appreciated the comments of the worship teams at my placement church as they know how nerve wracking it can be.

To get my voice warmed up, my assessor asked if I'd led the bible readings too. I was happy to do so, after all, I had been over them a few times while preparing for today.

To be critical of myself, as I know I must.

Positives:

1. My point was clear.
2. I covered the subject matter well.
3. I paced the sermon more or less right
4. I have a good clear voice.
5. I knew my opening well enough I could present the beginning with minimum use of my notes. This way I could make eye contact with the congregation and, hopefully, engage them with God's message.
   

Negatives:

1. I didn't modulate my voice enough. This may have helped emphasise a point.
2. At some points during the sermon, particularly during very theological comments, I was really reading from my notes, rather than using them for reference. I'm sure this will improve with experience, but it's something to look out for.
3. Occasionally I could feel the nerves surface again and seemed to stutter a little. I'm not sure if many of the congregation picked up on this. Again, worth noting and being aware of.

On balance, I feel it went well. I know, from the congregation's feedback, they took something away from it. Whether they took the message I thought I was preaching or not, it doesn't matter. What does matter is God uses me through the breaking of His word to speak to His children.

What a nice man!

As I mentioned here, my assessor passed me the details of a member of the ministries support team. I suppose a way to describe him is a minister to ministers.

He's a hard guy to get in touch with; it's the nature of his job. I finally spoke to him on Monday and arranged a meeting this afternoon. It was a good open, friendly and productive chat. It was also a bit challenging, but in a supportive and non-judgemental way.

My assessor hadn't told him anything about me, except I am currently an enquirer. He didn't even know which type of ministry I feel called to. So, a clean slate for me.

I told him of the healing service and my reaction to it, as the conversation I had later with my assessor regarding it was the trigger for our meeting. I also spoke of the bad reaction I had back at my last placement (see here).

I'm fairly sure I know the triggers for both instances. With the healing service, my personal experience with someone close to me suffering from depression. With the other meeting, the effects of bullying when younger.

I also explained I feel these experiences are all mirrors being held up before me. That God is holding up those mirror to allow me to really know myself and, through that knowledge, minister for Him.

He thought that was a really good way of looking at it (no pun intended there). He also told me many people in the enquiry process think the kirk is looking for full-formed minsters etc with total self-awareness and no growth necessary. I didn't think that for a minute, but it is reassuring to actually be told that.

He made a few suggestions for dealing with situations, such as the classic counting to ten before speaking, and reminded me there is often more than we see, both in situations and our reaction to them. The main tool I need to use for this journey is my journal. I need to write, read, reflect and learn through its use more.

Apparently he can recommend counselling and arrange it if he feels the person he's talking to needs it. He didn't feel I did. It's funny, there's a time when I would have baulked at the thought of counselling. Now, if I needed to do it in order to follow God's calling, I would do it if recommended.

At the end of meeting he told me if I needed any advice or to talk again just to get in touch with him. What a lovely man!

And, I have so much to learn and growth to do. Only by God's grace can I.

It this a good sign?

Following on from Monday's meeting, my assessor mentioned me to someone from Ministries Support. Not in many details, but knowing it would be beneficial me being to work through my hurts and pains with someone in the job, yet neutral.

She asked me today if I would like to get his details. I am. I know my hurts and pain made me who I am. I also know I need to be aware of how they affect my reactions to people.

It would be good to chat to someone who is a minister, as they know the job. Also, it'll be good to chat about my pain and hurt with someone totally neutral.

I know once I've talked to this person, I will know myself better and be better placed to serve God where He calls me.

Oh, and I see my assessor's actions as very positive. Perhaps if she didn't feel I was called to ministry she wouldn't have sought out this help for me.

Paranoia

I was having a conversation with my assessor yesterday about my family's experiences with a life long illness. Overnight, I felt I'd more talked at her than talked with her, so e-mailed to apologise.

She sent a lovely reply telling me I hadn't talked to her but shared my experience. She also said she'd always be honest with me when I was talking at her (or others, for that matter).

So, it looks like something I have to learn is where the line is. I know I can, though not often, be guilty of being a little too knowledgeable about stuff (I do mean stuff - I seem to just know a lot about a lot) and thinking people want to hear. So, I'm self-aware enough to know I can talk at other on occasion, but I need to learn when I'm doing it. From what my assessor said, it doesn't look as though I do it when I think I am. Mmh, I think I'm paranoid after my last placement, where when I shared my experiences, I was accused of filling silences.

Good, another thing to learn, reflect on and grow in during these 6 months. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and being more comfortable with myself. I know my new assessor won't judge me for things I share with her. I always felt my last assessor did. This can only be positive for me and discerning my call. I really think God has given me the best opportunity I could have with this new placement. I pray I am worthy of the opportunity.

Wrong End of the Stick

The past week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. Last Wednesday's meeting left me angry, frustrated and unvalued - in some ways I lost respect for the minister and congregation of my placement church. Since my conversation with my supervisor on Sunday I see the members of the fellowship group had the same feelings towards me as I had to them. I really can't blame them.

I've also been reading "Called or Collared" by Francis Dewar. One part I read shortly after Sunday's conversation was about self-awareness and analysis. Dewar wrote to think of the traits you find most annoying and difficult to deal with in others. He claimed often those traits we most dislike in others we show ourselves.

It is painful to think about, but I know I need to. Okay, we all have rough edges (and I'll be the first to admit some of mine are particularly rough), but I need to be aware of them and how others perceive me as a result of them. I also have to learn how to grow and change in God, so the roughness becomes smoother.

As much as it pains me to write this, Dewar is right. I think most of the traits I dislike in others manifested themselves in me at Wednesday's meeting - appearing opinionated; not listening to others views; cutting across people; dominating the discussion etc, etc. Now I am aware of my flaws in a way I hadn't really thought about before or realised. I'd perhaps intellectually known my flaws, but not fully taken then to heart.

Strangely, though, when I first went to the minister at my home church to let her know I was going to the enquirers' conference as I feel called to ministry, one thing I said to her was I can think of 101 reasons why I shouldn't be one. The way I reacted at the fellowship meeting epitomised those very reasons.

The more I reflect on my flaws/bad traits, the more I think maybe I've got my calling completely wrong. How can I minister to people when I don't appear to listen? A congregation will not trust me if they don't think I'll listen to their views.

Bizarrely, I believe (and this is in no way justification for "losing it") part of my problem is I've been concentrating on the flaws as I perceive them in both my supervisor and placement church. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. The more I see "flaws", the more flaws I see. You know the thing - someone tells you a colleague is lazy. They turn up late once. You don't ask why and see that as proof of their laziness. Perhaps the congregation which have seen me in "action" at meetings now think that. I've cut across them and not listened, so even if I don't do those things, but they perceive me to be doing them, they will think less and less of me. I trust I can redeem myself.

Until the dressing down from my supervisor, I had been going at this process with the wrong state of mind, in many respects. I saw the extended enquiry and co-ordinated field assessment as a means to an end (i.e to get to the selection conference). The CFA isn't about my placement church, it is about me. Now I see it is an opportunity for me to grow, learn, be challenged and listen to what others and God say to me. I hope and pray my gifts for ministry will be demonstrated.

Looking through the mist

I'm writing this with a heavy heart. I have been thinking about Wednesday's meeting a lot. Also, my supervisor pulled me up for the way I reacted at the time.

I think - no, I know - I didn't handle the situation well. I didn't listen as well as I should have. I cut across people and didn't make it clear I had listened to their opinion. I know other people cut across me first and that is why I reacted badly. I should have let it go or found a better way to deal with it.

I know my supervisor feels one thing I am not showing him is my ability to take part in a group discussion. I also know I can take part in a group discussion very well, but he is writing my report and needs to see I can do it.

I feel I don't know what I need to do to make it better and to show my supervisor I can listen well in groups and get my opinion over without alienating the entire group. At the moment, I feel I'm on a loch in the mist. I can roughly see where land is, but I can't see the way round the obstacles on the route to safety.

I pray for guidance and strength to understand myself. I also pray for help in dealing with a group discussion in a mature, caring and respectful manner.