Call

I am getting somewhat neglectful of this blog, aren't I? A combination of time and inclination. It's not that there's nothing happening, it's what/when to post on and, increasingly, I am using other platforms to post (not so anonymously on those).

Since I last posted (goodness, over 2 months ago), working out where I may serve has been an 'interesting' time. I'm not entirely sure when I decided it, but I realised with all the other things I thought about call, it occurred to me that part of it was a congregation had to 'make the first move,' on some way. That could be by email, phone or in writing, but they had to be one of the churches who bothered to get in touch - who bothered to call me. I know that isn't the norm, but I never said I was normal, did I?

The scary thing is, of the almost 180 charges currently advertised, I think I've heard from around 30. Yes, I accept there's been summer holidays and some charges may not want a probationer, but when I've heard tales of those who've recently gone before me getting 70+ profiles through their inboxes/letterboxes in the first few days of being granted permission to look for their 'own' charge, it seems not very many.

But, so far, I have had 3 Nom Coms come to hear me. Which is really encouraging. I also preached away from Airside, so another Nom Com could hear me.

I have also had 2 interviews. Both were good congregations, with plenty scope for my gifts, but 1 felt 'right.' It's hard to fully explain why, but I really do think the one which felt more 'right' certainly seems to be the place God is calling me to minister. The exciting thing is, they seem to think so too.

So, it may have not been quick, though a couple of months isn't really that long. I do think the various visits to Airside Nom Coms have made, and which I have made, have helped prepare me for when I preach as sole nominee.

It's exciting, a but scary and really quite wonderful too. Much like love, this call can't be fully explained, but I know it's there.

Armour of light

Last night I was writing my draft sermon for Sunday. The readings I'm using for Sunday are Matthew 24:36-44 and Romans 13:11-14, though the focus is on Romans (to my surprise - I'm still trying to work out Paul).

The phrase which really caught my eye was about putting "on an armour of light." I just loved the imagery - though me being me I think of medieval knights in armour, not Roman solider, which Paul would have been thinking of. Also wished Quarry Kirk had AV (well, they have A, no V), as I've some great photos of armour, which might have been useful for getting people thinking.

I suppose my thoughts turning to medieval armour may actually be a 'better' image, as late medieval armour of the collective consciousness covered the whole body, allowing maximum protection for the wearer. But is Paul talking about getting protection from the armour? I'm not too sure.

To the people he was writing to, their image would have been of a Roman solider, whose armour was functional, protective and worked best when the soldiers worked together, interlocking their shields. In this formation, they were pretty invincible and their array impenetrable. This only happened when they stood shoulder to shoulder with their neighbour. If one flinched or failed to hold the line, the whole system failed. Also, given the way Roman soldiers fought, they relied on the person next to them to cover their vulnerable side, as they thrust forward with their right hand with their sword, that side would be exposed, and needed protected by their neighbour.

So, maybe the armour of light Paul talks of not only is a change from old ways of life - a way of preparedness for the coming of Christ - but something which needs the whole community to do. Then, like the Roman soldier, they can look out for one another. They can support and protect each other. They can cover the others side. Then, those outwith the community will see the difference, not just to one or two individuals, but to the whole community of believers. And the community of believers putting on their armour of light can be a benefit for their wider community - as they put behind drunkenness and debauchery etc, etc, exchanging it for light - light which is shown in their love for God and love for neighbour.

The downside to armour, though, is it can put up barriers. It conveys a specific message about a group or person's job and intent. Soldiers can bring war, as well as help maintain peace. The armour of light should bring peace.

Another downside to armour, especially medieval armour, is it's heavy and hard to wear. So, it was only put on for tournaments or battle. The armour of light Paul was talking about needs to be on all the time, not just when things get tough or we need to demonstrate our strength/show off.

The only way we can make sure the armour of light is on all the time is to pray, read (the bible) and worship. To do so, especially the latter, as part of a community. From the community we'll receive support and encouragement - which we can offer them.

I wonder how that works for the minister in a parish church, though. I've experienced churches who look after their minister and where their minister feels as much a part of the worshipping congregation as any other member. I've also seen (and heard of) churches where the minister is almost seen as a paid employee, their to serve the congregation and parish, but where no one necessarily thinks to offer them support and encouragement. I know which I'd prefer (and, in fact, need). Then I will be able to put on my armour of light in the knowledge I do not stand alone, but am supported on all sides.

A day for meeting angels

I don't quite know what I do. People seem to like my preaching and my prayers and the way I generally engage with them and others. I don't see what I am doing as especially different (from what I think a minister should be doing) nor especially special. But, the people in Railway Crossing and First Stop seem to have a different idea.

I suppose I shouldn't over analyse this. They like me and I am just being who I am - nothing more, nothing less. I laugh (imagine that!), but I will also listen and share pain and, I suppose, just be there. As I say, nothing unusual.

Yesterday, there were a couple of angels in the congregation. Visitors on holiday. Both thought I was the minister. One is a reader in the Kirk - he genuinely seemed surprised when I told him I was just training. Another's family is from the area, so they visit the church in Railway Crossing whenever they are up. He liked my fresh approach (I didn't realise I had one), but wondered if older people may. He told me how he'd heard many people in the congregation saying how much they like my way of leading worship and that I was like a breath of fresh air. I was very humbled and touched that he wanted to tell me what the congregation was thinking. He seemed really enthused by the message he was bringing me. And I was humbled someone would do that.

Both were angels, because angels are messengers from God. They gave me a message of encouragement and reassurance I am on the right path on many, many levels. I pray I remain to do so.

Staying true to me

I've been asked to preach at Caledonia Kirk on the first Sunday in Advent. Normally, I'd use the lectionary to inform the bible passage(s) I'd select, but as it's not used at Caledonia Kirk. Also, I want to stretch and challenge myself, being on placement seems a good place to do so.

So, what to do? It's the first Sunday of the month, so will also be a service where the congregation are encouraged to invite friends and neighbours along to church. So, there's potentially people who have never been to church before or haven't attended for a very long time. A 'new audience'; for want of a better phrase!

A danger I can see is I preach to fit in, rather than what I feel called to say. The flip hand to that, though, is I could preach on my hobby-horse and not the message God wants me to give. Oh, it's all so complicated!

I know I must stay true to who I am. I specifically chose this placement as it's different in theology as well as worship style from where I am coming from, but that doesn't make either more or less valid. That said, I do believe congregations should have their theologies challenged as well as nurtured. I know I am just the kind of person who will stir things up a bit, it's almost in my DNA. Whether I like it or not, it is who I am and it is I God called, not the person Caledonia Kirk would like me to be (if that makes sense). I firmly believe if I don't stay true to myself now, how can I do that in wherever I land up ministering? It's just a wee bit daunting knowing a prophet's words aren't always liked. At least it's not my home town, though!

Managing?

This placement seems to be going well. I'm learning a lot (though I am very aware I have a lot to learn); the congregation are warm, friendly and encouraging; my supervisor is approachable, understanding and willing to let me try. For a first placement, I couldn't have done much better, really.


Uni also seems to be going okay. My tutorial and essay marks have been good. Exams marks won't be published until the end of this month, so there's a little more waiting until I can breath a sigh of relief that that's all okay, though I'm sure it will be.

Yet, despite all these positives, I can't help but get over this "what am I doing?" urge. It's not a doubt of my call, more a will I ever be able to do this ministry thing well; will I ever be properly prepared?

I suppose, in fact I know, I don't want to get complacent and think I'm just going to swan through the whole process. That, IMHO, would be disasterous for me and any church I was expected to lead. I need to be stretched and challenged and helped and encouraged. I feel that's what is happening to me and I know it is necessary for my growth in order I may serve well.

Just can't get the "you chose me, God?" thing out of my head. He definitely has a sense of humour, that's for sure!

Telling it like it is

I have a tendency of - and I am quoting feedback I have received from others here - "telling it like it is" and "making astute observations". The thing is, this can (and has) backfired on me. I'm especially thinking of my first period of co-ordinated field assessment, which my local assessor did not appreciate my style and I was a bit immature in my attitude.


It's part of me and I feel it's part of the reason God has called me to be a minister. It does come with some rough edges, which I am working on, though I am finding that a bit of a struggle. It's not an unwillingness to change, to blossom into the person God really wants me to be, but a concern I may become a very different person, completely different from the one God called. I also wonder what impact that change may have on my relationship with those most important to me. Hopefully, it will only be positive.

A bit of me wonders, though, if my forthrightness is a prophetic call. Now that terrifies me. But there's always a chance is this the intrinsic part of my nature God especially wants to use. Particularly in the light of this bible passage which has come up in various settings over the last couple of weeks:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
      for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
   He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
      that the blind will see,
   that the oppressed will be set free,
      and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come"

Originally spoken by Isaiah and used to mark the beginning of Jesus' mission at Luke 4:18 and 19. It has come up in my personal daily bible reading, in the New College communion service and at my placement church. I don't know how or why, but I feel God is telling me something and leading me down a path which will be very difficult. I'm sure he knows what he's doing and I trust I am up to the task.

All are welcome

The other day, a fellow candidate/student asked me what I thought the shape of my ministry was. I couldn't quiet put it into words, until communion on Friday at New College. At the end of the service we sang "All are welcome" by Marty Haugen.

And it came to me. That is the shape I hope my ministry would take. Where everyone is really welcome. Where the church serves the community and doesn't just expect it to come to the church, but the church goes to them. Where all are listened to and valued for who they are. I suppose, I could call it my manifesto!

What a nice bunch...

the candidates I met the other night are. It was so good to meet with them, exchange experiences and generally blether.

It's a relief hearing there are others who feel the same I do ("They picked me. Of all the people at assessment conference, me?!"). Of discovering others who have been blessed by apparent delays since first starting on their road to ministry. Of learning the tricks of the trade from those more experienced.

Generally, I was amazed at our deep sense that no matter how ridiculous our calls may seem, even to ourselves, it is exactly where we should be. God knows why he has chosen every one of us. Looking at the group, I think the Kirk is in safe hands for the future (she says, polishing halo!).

Onwards to conference at the weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting more of my colleagues and fellow candidates. Despite all the things I have heard about conference, I'm going to enjoy it. It will be the beginning of becoming the minister I am called to be and that is cool, like bow ties!

Waiting

It's not often I'll quote from the King James version, but it's translation of Isaiah 40:31 are most appropriate:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

 In the 3 years since I finally, for want of a better phrase, said yes to God.

I had to wait from June to September to begin my first placement.

I had to wait to recover from the crash.

I had to wait to begin the extension to my co-ordinated field assessment.

I had to wait 5 months between local assessment and national assessment.

I had to wait over a year to begin university, as I hadn't applied when 121 had advised me.

Now, I'm waiting to find out if my results from Aberdeen university are sufficient for Edinburgh to confirm my place. (If they aren't I think I'll scream, and scream, and scream until I'm sick!!!)

It's all worked out really well though.


I've had two placements at two very different churches, where the ministers had very different styles. So, that's opened my eyes to how that affects how the church is perceived locally.

I've proven to myself I'm not thick. 10 years in my last place of work can do that to a person. Also, I wasn't that studious first time round. I know my results have definitely given me a confidence boast for going back full-time to uni.

I've (so far) had 4 months of chilling/doing my own thing/resting time. It's allowed me partly to concentrate on my studies (while I was undertaking them) and try/do things that I wanted done/to try. It's not often in life opportunities like this come along and once in ministry, it's going to be a long, long time before I can have 6 months off!!!

I've looked back at my placements and associated reports and seen how I've changed. Especially since last year. It's hard to articulate, but I can feel it's happened. I feel I am growing into my own skin and becoming comfortable with who I really am. After all, that's who God called because have a specific range of experiences and skills. Skills and experiences which God needs to undertake his mission for wherever I go. (A bit daunting that one, but with God with me, who can be against me?!).

Without all this waiting, I wouldn't be where I am now, psychologically as well as temporally (it's a bit Doctor Who'ish if I think about it too hard...). Since I had to begin my "main" waiting, through deferring beginning studies until this year, I have been convinced it's all happened as God has a specific place he needs me to go once I'm finished which will not become available at the right time, unless I'd waited. Quite what and where that is, God only knows. The adventure following his path to find it has been interesting, exciting and revelational (if daunting at times too), so far. It's only going to get better and better as I continue on this path. I'm sure the view's going to be amazing!

Tired

It's not long until my last day at work. I have, quite deliberately, kept back a large chunk of leave so I don't have to work until the wire on 31 March.

Everyday, though, I am finding it harder and harder to be someone I am not. I am a people person who cares deeply about those around me - even those who don't like me. It's hard trying to get the work done well, so my colleagues don't have to fix my mistakes. It's also so those who dislike me don't get ammunition to shot me with even once I have left.

Just before I leave, I am going to "out" myself as a trainee minister. There are some who will not be up nor down about it. There are some who will be very positive about it (and perhaps may have already put two and two together). There are some, though, who will think it's the most preposterous thing they've heard. If they read the notice with a mouthful of coffee, I think their PC screen may wear it.

For me, it will be a release. I am looking forward to being able to tell people who I am. To be who I am. Called and loved by God, just as they are if they would only let him in. Maybe even those who I think would be negative about this remember things I have done - when I have spoken to the outcast from the group, for example - and realise I was doing those things to show God's love to those others reject.

Who are parishioners?

I work in a large office. In all there are about 900-1000 staff in the building. The office is within 10 minute walking distance of 3 (at least) Church of Scotland churches. Yet, in nearly 10 years of working there, I have not seen a minister.

Is that office not part of a parish? Should the minister of that parish not be as concerned about the people in the office as anyone else in their parish? I, like most of my colleagues, spend about 50% of my waking hours in that parish. Potentially longer than those who live there.

There are so many demands on a minister's time, but why not the office block and other workplaces on their patch? Jesus' disciples He called at their workplaces. Jesus did much of His teaching away from the synagogues. Should that not be a model for ministry? Meeting people where they are - letting them know that they are loved and wanted by God. Or, is that a little too much?

I don't know. Maybe this thought has been placed in my heart as it's something God wants me to do. That's a bit scary. But I know I shouldn't be afraid or discouraged as He will personally go ahead and prepare the way for me (paraphrase of Deuteronomy 31:8). Knowing my luck, it might even be, in 5 or 6 years, the very office I currently work in!

Selection conference - one week to go

One week today I will be in day two of my selection conference. I'm not saying I'm totally relaxed about it, but I'm not as worked up about it as I feel I should be. I will look at that in a positive light as I firmly feel God is with me and will go ahead to prepare the way for me.

Over the rest of the week I need to re-read my journal, make notes for the discussion topic, fill in the medical form (must remember, must remember) and pray - a lot.

Your prayers and thoughts for next weekend will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Third Sunday Lent Year C

Yesterday's services, even if I do say so myself, went really well. Everything came together well, I felt my presentation was good, even when I had to deal with the technical hitch of the mic failing (I need it for the T-loop and the recording of the service, I don't have a quiet voice!); and the congregations engaged well with me and the worship.

Comments included:

"I really enjoyed the service."

"I really like the way you put things."

"Thank you for being so good with my grandchild. She really enjoyed being involved." (There was only 1 child at the second service - the rest are probably still trying to get home!).

"I really enjoyed your sermon. I know that [Acts] reading really well and had never thought if it like that. Thank you"

"Every time you're involved in worship you are getting better and better. Well done."

"All you said really spoke to me. I could tell it came from the heart. Wonderful."

And the best one...

"You looked really smart in that jacket." (Just to make sure my head won't get to big! It's amazing the difference a suit jacket makes. I was wearing my normal jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt with it.)

So, if think it went down well. With that in mind, I thought I'd post my sermon. The readings were Isaiah 61:1-3 and Acts 9:1-20.

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken?

Was it moving to a new town, where you knew no one?

Was it quitting your job to travel the world?

Was it setting up your own business?

Whatever it was, those who knew you probably thought you were totally off your head. What are they doing that for?

A while ago at work, one of my colleagues took a career break to pursue her music career. She thought if she didn't do it, she never would. It was a risk. There would be no steady income, bills still to pay and she might really enjoy doing it in her spare time, but all the time – that's quite a different matter.

Many people she worked with just didn't get why she'd take that risk, pretty much for those reasons. They just couldn't understand why someone would give up all security to pursue something they loved.

But that was the point – to pursue something she loved.

Ananias, along with all the people of the way – followers of Jesus weren't yet called Christians - , was not having a good time. The priests, the Pharisees, their friends and neighbours, the Romans – everyone seemed against them. They were, so the Jewish leaders felt, contradicting all Jewish teaching, worshipping other Gods and blaspheming Jehovah. The Romans didn't appreciate them either as they had a king other than Caesar. Not a great way to make friends and influence others in the middle east 2000 years ago.

No doubt, the Christians in Damascus had heard of the stoning of Stephen. Earlier in Acts, we are told how Stephen was called before the high priests to argue his case. He used his knowledge of Jewish scripture, our old testament, to attempt to show the Jewish authorities what he, and the people of the way, were following on from the Jewish tradition and the scriptures had foretold all that would happen to the Messiah.

And the priests and other people questioning him didn't like what they heard. Especially when he had a vision of heaven just as they dragged him outside to stone him to death. Blasphemy!

And who was there at the stoning? Paul, who was still know by his Hebrew handle of Saul. “The witnesses left their cloaks in the care of a young man named Saul” Acts 7:58 tells us.

Paul was in the thick of the persecution of the first Christians. As we heard in our reading from Acts, Paul was intent on bringing the people of the way from Damascus back to Jerusalem for trial which, no doubt, would have found them guilty of blasphemy, resulting in death by stoning. Word had it the Christians had fled to Damascus, in modern Syria, to move into another jurisdiction, which many have been more welcoming of them.

At this point, it's pretty safe to say Paul was quite a nasty piece of work in relation to the Christians. Nothing and no one was going to get in the way of the true Jewish law. Anyone who followed the way, who proclaimed Jesus as Messiah and Son of God was guilty of blasphemy and scripture deemed they should be stoned to death for this crime against God

Paul was prepared to travel long distances in his pursuit of the people of the way. Jerusalem to Damascus is about 140 mile and Paul may well have travelled on foot. Whatever his mode of transport, it would have taken him at least a week.

7 days to ponder his mission.

7 days to think and consider the problem of the people of the way

7 days towards transformation.

Imagine what Paul was doing and thinking about during his journey. Then we might understand better what happened to Paul.

As far as he was concerned, he was travelling for the glory of God and the righteousness of the Jewish people. God's glory which was being tainted by these followers of Jesus. No doubt, on the long journey he prayed and meditated.

And I wonder what God thought when he heard those prayers. Prayers persecuting his son and followers of his son. Perhaps he was angry. Angry that someone who knew scripture as thoroughly as Paul did not see, could not comprehend, that Stephen and all the followers of the way were right. Jesus was the messiah; Jesus had risen and is the son of God.

But the amazing thing is, what God chose to do. He chose to appear to Paul on the road, through the risen Jesus in a heavenly light. In spite of Paul's religious fervour for his mission, he was terrified. As Luke tells us in Acts:

“He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul! Why do you persecute me?”

“Who are you, Lord?” he asked.

“I am Jesus, whom you persecute,” the voice said.”

Whom you persecute. Jesus is telling Paul all those times he's stood and watched the people of the way being stoned, maybe even gathered evidence against them and now pursuing them to Damascus he isn't just persecuting those people as individuals. No, he has directly persecuted Jesus.

When Jesus' followers are persecuted, Jesus – God incarnate – is targeted.

Instantly, Paul is converted. He couldn't physically see, but he had seen God and was a changed man.

The men he was travelling with had to help him finish his journey. Those men would have only been there for his protection. As a Pharisee. Paul would not have associated with those men. Now, he was fully reliant on them.

Already life was changing in totally unexpected ways for Paul.

And them we get back to Ananias.

Firstly, God calls Ananias by name - calls him by name - and Ananias answers “Here I am Lord”. No fear, no avoidance. Just straightforward answering God when he called.

God tells him of Paul. Where to find him and that Paul has had a vision of Ananias healing him and allowing him to see again.

At this point, Ananias was a bit reluctant to go and lists off all the reasons why he shouldn't be going anywhere near Paul:

The terrible things Paul has done to God's people and Paul's mission to arrest all people of the way in Damascus. Given the stoning of Steven, among others, I can't say I blame Ananias for, how can I put this? Bringing his concerns to God!

Despite Ananias', for want of another phrase, pleading with God not to go, he went.

Paul was cured of his blindness, received the holy spirit and was baptised.

Paul then began his mission from God. A mission to serve God – not the priests or other Pharisees – and spread God's way of love and grace and forgiveness “among the gentiles and Kings and people of Israel”.

This mission was one only Paul could fulfil. His conversion was a total transformation from all which he'd stood for before. But, more importantly, his knowledge and understanding of scripture was amazing. He was the one person who could do God's work in this way.

He was the only one able to do this, and help to fulfil Isaiah's words:

“The Sovereign Lord has filled me with his Spirit.

He has chosen me and sent me

To bring good news to the poor,

He has sent me to proclaim

That the time has come

When the Lord will save his people “

But, he was only able to do this because Ananias had gone when God called. Although it may have meant death, Ananias trusted all God told him and went where God sent him.

If he hadn't done so, would we be here? Much of the early Christian message was spread by Paul. And it wasn't just kept for the Jewish people. It was taken, by Paul, to everyone - Jews and gentiles alike. Eventually all the way to Rome.

All because Ananias did as God asked.

He didn't doubt God's word. He didn't doubt all God had told him.

He trusted God, he went where God sent him and Paul was cured of his physical blindness, received the holy spirit and the rest, as they say, is history.

So how about us?

Would we have done the same thing Ananias did?

Would we trust God and go to into a potentially dangerously situation with the love and grace of Ananias? Ananias even went as far as to call Paul brother. Paul, who has been persecuting Christians throughout Jerusalem and is supposed to be doing the same in Damascus. Brother. One of the family. One of us.

Would we have had the courage?

Today, here, Ananias' actions are as important as they were 2000 years ago. And we can learn from them.

When God calls it can seem a crazy idea, dangerous thing he wants us to do. He wants us to spread his good news, of grace and love and forgiveness, to all. Yes, that can be difficult, especially when the task God has for us is dangerous and either us our family or friends will be mocked or shunned or persecuted because of our beliefs.

But we don't, do we?

We shirk away from going when God calls. We come up with arguments why we aren't the right person, why it's someone else's job.

But God is never wrong when he calls. He calls us all for a reason.

It might be a big call, like Paul, to take the good news to those who haven't heard it.

It might be the small call of showing God's grace and love in our day to day lives.

Whatever God calls us to do, we need to trust in him and follow.

No matter how dangerous, how weird, how preposterous his call may seem.

He knows it is difficult. He knows the path will not be easy and there will be many obstacles to overcome along the way, but he is in control and will prepare the way ahead for us.

He will not give any of us too much to do. Too big a task we couldn't manage. Beside, we wouldn't be doing it on our own, the holy spirit would sustain, lead and uplift us.

So, will you go when God calls you by name?

Will you go and bring good news to the poor, to heal the broken-hearted, to show God's love and grace and forgiveness to all. No matter how difficult and dangerous that task may be.

Trusting God will keep his promises to you.

Then, maybe, just maybe, through you he can keep his promises to all his people.

Now, wouldn't that be amazing?

Selection conference - the paper work

Given time is pressing on towards selection conference, I was starting to wonder when the additional information would come. This arrived yesterday.

From comments some of you have left on my blog (thank you), combined with the timetable I received when my place was confirmed, I wasn't surprised by much of the contents. The detail of the medical report was pretty surprising, though I'm not sure why. Many employers have this. Strangely, just over a year ago all the the questions asking about health issues and hospital treatment, I would have answered to the negative. Now I have to explain about my broken clavicle - joy! But that's just by the by.

I suppose I'm most concerned about which topic to choose for the group discussion I will lead. I have an idea of an item which I think is an important matter the Kirk should at least talk about, but I wonder what other peoples thoughts are. It's not I want the answers or to nick others ideas - far from it - but I want to look outwith my own "rant issues" and maybe start a dicussion on something really important. If not really important, at least a discussion I can present well and where there will be a scope for debate/discussion.

I must admit, and I'll have to be aware of it during this time, I do have a habit of playing devil's advocate a lot. It might not be my opinion, but I will put it forward to get people to think about it and challenge me. Unfortunately, in the wrong context, that can be taken the wrong way. I suppose it's positive I can be like that. As some of you have commented on here, the selectors are looking for me, not someone else.

Overall, though, I'm still pretty relaxed about it. I doubt I'll still be so relaxed on the day, but I'm farily certain neither will the other 9 people getting their head read!

Good, yet strange meeting

A couple of weeks ago one of my ministers got in touch with me. I'd (with her consent) put her down as a referee on one of the ministries council's forms I'd filled out following my referral to national selection conference. She'd received the form ministries wanted her to complete and wanted a chat with me about how I was feeling about selection conference, my call etc.

Well, we sort of talked about that, but also talked the forthcoming general election, the cost of public transport (especially buses), council tax and generally put the world to rights. I also briefly babysat 2 of her 3 children while she picked up her third son (her hubbie was at another church meeting). So, all in all, I'm not entirely sure if she got the answers she needed/wanted. I suppose she must have.

A couple of things which did amused me about the form was these questions:

• Can the person see the your completed form before conference? (Or something along those lines). I told my minister it was up to her. She thought the question rather odd, as "there's nothing I'd write on the form I wouldn't say to your face". That's a relief!
• Is there any reason why the person is not a suitable candidate for ministry? If yes, state why? Jokingly, my minister said "yes". I'm sure she would have told me before now and certainty would not have encouraged me during my placements and to be involved in worship since the completion of my last placement.

Now, I'll be interested to read what she does say.

Encouraging comments

I lead prayer in my home church again today. My minister had strayed from the lectionary and the theme of the service was "be love". A very tenuous link with Valentine's day.

I received a very positive response from both congregations. One comment which stood out was "You speak very well. You're very clear and go at a good pace." I feel I do that, but it's reassuring to hear it from someone else.

One comment which is recurring at both congregation goes something along the lines of "You're doing so well, Mrs Gerbil. What stage in your training are you?" I explain the situation, that I'm in the selection process. The answer is "Oh, I have no doubt you'll do well. No doubt at all". These are good and encouraging comments. Though, it has to be said, my home church's congregation is going to be slightly bias!

My minister's Mum was visiting today. She, too, is a minister. After the service she caught up with me and thanked me for my prayers. She also asked about my going through the selection process for ministry and where I was with that. I filled her in. She told me "From what I saw today I would be surprised if you didn't get selected" I thanked her. Apparently she used to be a selector at selection schools.

I suppose I could be doom and gloom and say these people care about me and want me to do well. But I won't. I am going to treat them as intended - encouragement from God through others that the path I am following is His.

No pressure - just speak for God.

I started writing the sermon for Sunday last night and, I have to say, it's coming together quite nicely. It's not finished - I gave up at 7:45 and hadn't had dinner! - but I know where I want to take the rest of it.

Then it'll just need re-read, tweaked and added to over the next couple of days.

I hope it lives up to expectations, though. As I'm working with my minister on this service, I e-mailed her my initial thoughts on Sunday. Her reply was "Sounds really good".

As long as I speak the words God needs my home church to hear, I think that'll be enough.

A wee niggle

After I was told the local review's decision, as my local assessor was leaving she congratulated me, and gave me a little advice on how to more fully put into words my sense of call. I appreciated this as I believe she knows I am called and also understands how difficult it is to put something I feel in my heart into words.

Then, she made the slightly throw away comment of something along the lines of "remember the ministry of word and sacrament has more ministries than parish ministry". I know I told her.

Since then, that statement has been coming occasionally into my mind. She had made that comment a while back too. Perhaps I am called to minister outwith parish ministry and this is God sowing the seeds for that. Perhaps I will start in parish ministry and more into another area later. All I know is I will go where God leads me and it'll be a life changing journey!

Local Review

Yesterday's local review went well. Just as Wednesday, I wasn't that nervous and very much felt God was upholding and supporting me during it.

Most of the questions were different, yet the same (if that makes sense) from last time. I answered as honestly and fully as I could. There was one point where I was being a little vague, I suppose. I didn’t explain the background to an example well. My local assessor added questions during that part of the interview so the panel really knew what I was meaning. I really appreciated that as she obviously wanted me to do well.

The only question which slightly threw me, as I'd never thought of it before, was how do I deal with apathy? Again, especially being put on-the-spot, I gave my answer. I wasn't sure if it was okay, but the national assessor told me "there's no right answer to this - if there was I'd be writing yours down and using it". With that I very much got the impression the question was more intended to see if I'd be thrown.

At the end of the review I was told the panel would make their decision after I'd left and I would get the outcome and report, hopefully, within 7 days. I was also told there might be a delay as the national assessor has no e-mail access due to no manse heating. That was understandable, given the weather. Also, I wasn't too bothered having to wait - I'd worked hard to get to this stage and there was nothing I could do to alter the outcome. Another couple of days wait wouldn't make any difference.

An hour after my review the bus to the panto was leaving my placement church, so I just made a cup of tea and read a book while I was waiting. I'd just popped out to my car to get something from it and my local assessor was looking for me. The ministries support officer needed to see me. Right, I thought, she just wants to check my contact details…

No - given the possible delay getting the panel's decision out to me, she told me there and then its decision. They have decided I am suitable to attend a selection conference! I was so happy I could have kissed my local assessor.

So, God is with me - it is His call, not mine or others. Well, at least the local review panel think so. I'll get my selection conference date with my full review report. It will be interesting to see what has been said.

Now, I wonder what I do with myself in the meantime?

While I slept...

I'd gone to bed last night and was just nodding off when an image of where God is calling me came to me. In it a very young (read teenage) mother was coming to my church. That's when I realised what my call is. To build a community of God's people where everyone is welcome. Truly welcome - where the "pillar of the community" sits beside the "reject of society. Where they all know how much they are valued, loved and supported by God as we all, no matter our background and circumstances, are made in God's image.

Today I see one of the most maligned groups in our society as the teenage mother. Church, too, doesn't know what to do...but what would Jesus do?

That is my vision. I knew God would show me if I believed and trusted Him.