The past week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. Last Wednesday's meeting left me angry, frustrated and unvalued - in some ways I lost respect for the minister and congregation of my placement church. Since my conversation with my supervisor on Sunday I see the members of the fellowship group had the same feelings towards me as I had to them. I really can't blame them.
I've also been reading "Called or Collared" by Francis Dewar. One part I read shortly after Sunday's conversation was about self-awareness and analysis. Dewar wrote to think of the traits you find most annoying and difficult to deal with in others. He claimed often those traits we most dislike in others we show ourselves.
It is painful to think about, but I know I need to. Okay, we all have rough edges (and I'll be the first to admit some of mine are particularly rough), but I need to be aware of them and how others perceive me as a result of them. I also have to learn how to grow and change in God, so the roughness becomes smoother.
As much as it pains me to write this, Dewar is right. I think most of the traits I dislike in others manifested themselves in me at Wednesday's meeting - appearing opinionated; not listening to others views; cutting across people; dominating the discussion etc, etc. Now I am aware of my flaws in a way I hadn't really thought about before or realised. I'd perhaps intellectually known my flaws, but not fully taken then to heart.
Strangely, though, when I first went to the minister at my home church to let her know I was going to the enquirers' conference as I feel called to ministry, one thing I said to her was I can think of 101 reasons why I shouldn't be one. The way I reacted at the fellowship meeting epitomised those very reasons.
The more I reflect on my flaws/bad traits, the more I think maybe I've got my calling completely wrong. How can I minister to people when I don't appear to listen? A congregation will not trust me if they don't think I'll listen to their views.
Bizarrely, I believe (and this is in no way justification for "losing it") part of my problem is I've been concentrating on the flaws as I perceive them in both my supervisor and placement church. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. The more I see "flaws", the more flaws I see. You know the thing - someone tells you a colleague is lazy. They turn up late once. You don't ask why and see that as proof of their laziness. Perhaps the congregation which have seen me in "action" at meetings now think that. I've cut across them and not listened, so even if I don't do those things, but they perceive me to be doing them, they will think less and less of me. I trust I can redeem myself.
Until the dressing down from my supervisor, I had been going at this process with the wrong state of mind, in many respects. I saw the extended enquiry and co-ordinated field assessment as a means to an end (i.e to get to the selection conference). The CFA isn't about my placement church, it is about me. Now I see it is an opportunity for me to grow, learn, be challenged and listen to what others and God say to me. I hope and pray my gifts for ministry will be demonstrated.
Strangely, though, when I first went to the minister at my home church to let her know I was going to the enquirers' conference as I feel called to ministry, one thing I said to her was I can think of 101 reasons why I shouldn't be one. The way I reacted at the fellowship meeting epitomised those very reasons.
The more I reflect on my flaws/bad traits, the more I think maybe I've got my calling completely wrong. How can I minister to people when I don't appear to listen? A congregation will not trust me if they don't think I'll listen to their views.
Bizarrely, I believe (and this is in no way justification for "losing it") part of my problem is I've been concentrating on the flaws as I perceive them in both my supervisor and placement church. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. The more I see "flaws", the more flaws I see. You know the thing - someone tells you a colleague is lazy. They turn up late once. You don't ask why and see that as proof of their laziness. Perhaps the congregation which have seen me in "action" at meetings now think that. I've cut across them and not listened, so even if I don't do those things, but they perceive me to be doing them, they will think less and less of me. I trust I can redeem myself.
Until the dressing down from my supervisor, I had been going at this process with the wrong state of mind, in many respects. I saw the extended enquiry and co-ordinated field assessment as a means to an end (i.e to get to the selection conference). The CFA isn't about my placement church, it is about me. Now I see it is an opportunity for me to grow, learn, be challenged and listen to what others and God say to me. I hope and pray my gifts for ministry will be demonstrated.
It is hard and painful! I do so understand what it is like. Is it possible to use these reflections in your next meeting with your supervisor? Is this something that could be done? Or do you need more time to process them? Just some thoughts - no need to answer these rhetorical questions!
ReplyDeleteBut useful for filling in the forms!
It sounds like you've had a pretty major bout of 'soul-searching' and, as CB says, that can be painful - but not unusual for those going through CFA. Nobody is 'sorted', but CFA is all about knowing yourself and becoming aware of where your roughest edges are. As you suggest, we generally don't see in ourself what we see in others and we rarely see in ourself what others do.
ReplyDeleteOne of the key things I needed to learn during my 2nd round of CFA was humility and there was much scribbling of notes during one of the assessment conference interviews when I mentioned that.
Rough edges don't mean we're not called to ministry (and just as well too) but those who would minister do need to be very aware of them.
I had similar moments (different reasons) and I often had to take a step back and re-examine whether I still felt called. There was a sense of God saying, "Now I've got your attention..." So be careful that you don't jump to the wrong conclusions but take time to work through some of these issues. As CB says, it may be helpful to explore this with your supervisor but you may need to do a bit of prayerful processing first.
We all 'crash' from time to time, before and after selection and soul searching/reflection is inevitable and healthy... learn from the situation (whatever it may be) and them move on. You don't have to justify or redeem yourself in anyone's eyes... and especially not God's. You are on a journey and CFA is about you learning and experiencing exactly the stuff you have ... all the ups and the downs, the rough edges (both yours and other people's), etc.
ReplyDeleteJust keep your focus... five years on from CFA I can honestly say I not the same person I was then... and I have learned that God's grace is enough, even for our roughest edges...