I had my latest meeting with my supervisor last night; brought forward from next week following my PDI. Some of the things he was asking felt as though I'd already been asked about them before, as they were concentrating on my sense of call. I wasn't entirely sure if he was asking the questions to get the "right" answers (I wouldn't have thought there would be any) or to prepare me for those questions at some point in the future. If the latter is true, why doesn't he at least hint at that? I know it's a slightly sneaky way of seeing my reaction and putting me on the back-foot (which, I also know, will happen a lot during this process), but some encouragement could be useful...I'm still finding his discussion of my "performance" during worship is almost throw-away and not very in depth. Yes, he's been positive, but in phrases such as "Several people mentioned to me that they really enjoyed your prayers". I understand, to many of the congregation, I am a student rather than an enquirer, but I need proper feedback from my supervisor. More than just a one-liner with little substance (and in a form of hearsay!). Okay, people are enjoying them, but what about my delivery and style. What could I change or improve? How could I do it better. I know I perhaps should bring these things up, but with everything we are trying to discuss during our meetings, it's really difficult. Hopefully fortnightly meeting will improve matters.
In terms of my call, I was asked how sure I was I am called to full-time ordained ministry. At the moment, I am very sure. In many respects it feels like the most logical outlet for my gifts. Besides, I've been ignoring it for 20 years, it's not a new thing. I've had plenty of time to think about it. That said, I did liken the various stages of this process, from Enquirers' conference to (God willing) selection conference, as a series of paths. At the end of each path there is a series of gates. I see the start of the path beyond each gate, though it dips out of sight. So far, when I've come to the gates, I've chosen the one marked "full-time ordained ministry" as I really feel that's what God is calling me to do. Having said that, there may come a time where I no longer decide to go through that gate, but take a slightly different path. So, I suppose, I'm open to the call developing and changing overtime. In many respects, I see the path as shrouded in fog but, as I go along the path, the fog's lifting and I can see I've chosen the right path. All on all, I know that going through this process is definitely what God wants me to do and I trust Him completely.
In other news, I'm being allowed to preach at my placement church on the second Sunday in Lent (only once I asked and blamed my PDI interviewer!). I'll start panicking nearer the time. I tend to either do things straight away or wait until the last minute. I won't get away with the latter as I'm to take a copy of my sermon to my supervisor the Monday before I deliver it. Okay, so it can't be the night before...blast!!!
"...but I need proper feedback from my supervisor. More than just a one-liner with little substance (and in a form of heresy!). Okay, people are enjoying them, but what about my delivery and style."
ReplyDeleteYep! I've been there! But my wise counsellor reminded me that this is not the time to be concerned about performance. That will happen later (and it will!). Instead - what do you feel when you have been asked to do prayers or whatever? Are you excited? Dread it? Do you enjoy the preparation? Is it a chore? Is it a pleasure to “perform”? If you have negative thoughts – or too many of them - then this could be a sign that ministry of Word and Sacrament is not for you. If it’s the opposite – wow! This is all part of the Enquiry – learning the technicalities come in the next stage. It’s a good sign that so many have told the minister they like your prayers. Reflect on that. What is God saying through these comments?
Taking a service can be scary - but it's great! Good luck with your search!
Going over and over your call can be very frustrating but it's also one of the most important things for you to be able to articulate at assessment conference. Ironically it's probably also the most difficult thing to articulate.
ReplyDeleteIt's also important that you don't confuse 'affirmation' with 'call'. It's very easy to talk about all the things that affirmed your call - the 'logical' process, if you like. But the centre of that development process will be a sense of God drawing you into service. Your awareness of that and your expression of it is what they are looking for.
I'd agree with CB about the 'technicalities'. It's for a later stage and the important thing at the moment is to explore your feelings and reactions towards these activities. The other thing about 'technicalities' is that they will change and develop over time. As you are exposed to other mentors you will find other ways of expressing prayers, teaching and so on. How you use those to develop your own voice is up to you, but the point is that it's a process of change that will continue (hopefully) long into your ministry as your faith and understanding deepen and circumstances shape the words and styles you use.