Local Review

Yesterday's local review went well. Just as Wednesday, I wasn't that nervous and very much felt God was upholding and supporting me during it.

Most of the questions were different, yet the same (if that makes sense) from last time. I answered as honestly and fully as I could. There was one point where I was being a little vague, I suppose. I didn’t explain the background to an example well. My local assessor added questions during that part of the interview so the panel really knew what I was meaning. I really appreciated that as she obviously wanted me to do well.

The only question which slightly threw me, as I'd never thought of it before, was how do I deal with apathy? Again, especially being put on-the-spot, I gave my answer. I wasn't sure if it was okay, but the national assessor told me "there's no right answer to this - if there was I'd be writing yours down and using it". With that I very much got the impression the question was more intended to see if I'd be thrown.

At the end of the review I was told the panel would make their decision after I'd left and I would get the outcome and report, hopefully, within 7 days. I was also told there might be a delay as the national assessor has no e-mail access due to no manse heating. That was understandable, given the weather. Also, I wasn't too bothered having to wait - I'd worked hard to get to this stage and there was nothing I could do to alter the outcome. Another couple of days wait wouldn't make any difference.

An hour after my review the bus to the panto was leaving my placement church, so I just made a cup of tea and read a book while I was waiting. I'd just popped out to my car to get something from it and my local assessor was looking for me. The ministries support officer needed to see me. Right, I thought, she just wants to check my contact details…

No - given the possible delay getting the panel's decision out to me, she told me there and then its decision. They have decided I am suitable to attend a selection conference! I was so happy I could have kissed my local assessor.

So, God is with me - it is His call, not mine or others. Well, at least the local review panel think so. I'll get my selection conference date with my full review report. It will be interesting to see what has been said.

Now, I wonder what I do with myself in the meantime?

Nearly finished

Last night I spent the evening filling in the applicant's report form for the end of the co-ordinated field assessment. I've been at this placement since early July, so the new year will also be an end of it too.

I was surprised how long filling in the form took me - 2.5-3 hours - but I have done and learnt so much during this time with my assessor. I actually feel I could have written more, but it was perhaps getting excessive as it was!

Now, I'll wait and see what my PDI and local assessor's reports say. Hopefully, I don't disagree with then too much, particularly my assessor.

I'm much more aware of where I am, with my call and my self, following this placement. I've also been much more reflective and open to learning than I was at my last placement, though my assessor there didn't make that easy - late or no feedback, irregular meetings etc. That said, I was probably breezing through, not really engaging with the process and he was ill too.

I'm be sad to leave my current placement, but I know I'll have to get used to this if I'm accepted for training. I also know it's going to be stage going back to my home church and just sitting in the pews, though I think I'll make the most of it while I still can!

I may be nearly finished this part of my journey, but God alone knows where the rest of my journey will lead.

Third pre-delivery inspection

I had my third PDI yesterday. Officially it's called a personal development interview, but given the letters are the same as the letter for a pre-delivery inspection on a new car, my hubbie (and now I) refer to it as such. In some ways, I suppose it is - a mental inspection before the local review. But, that's neither here nor there...

The interviewer was the same as my last 2 PDIs. So at least I knew the person I was going to see, if not the questions he'd put to me. Firstly he asked why I'd had an extension on my placement.

I told him it was as I'd not had a chance to look at some aspects of ministry and to show my last assessor how I'd learnt from various issues which had come to light at my last placement. Given my current placement is a full 6 month one and at a new place, it has been being treated by my new assessor as a clean slate, so to speak.

My PDI interviewer asked how I dealt with criticism. I gave an example which he said could be regarded more as my assessor teaching me. Although that is partly true, I told the PDI interviewer how I view all feedback - either positive or negative - as criticism. I listen to it and, most of the time, use that feedback for the next time I'm in a similar situation. If there's something which has been pointed out to me that I don't agree with the other person's stand point I'll explain why I've done something a certain way. I'm not sure ff that was the answer either ministries council, my local review team etc will like, but it was honest.

My interviewer asked how I dealt with conflict. Unfortunately, that hasn't been something I've had to deal with in my current placement and I recall was something which my last local review stated I needed to look at. I did say I've had situations at work where a group of my colleagues have been discussing a big news item. Although I agreed the crime was appalling I thought the full condemnation of the criminal was excessive. I suggested to my colleagues to think about possibly why the criminal would be like that. My interviewer liked the idea of me using the example of getting people to look at situations from others' prospectives.

I was also asked what style of decision making I would have in ministry. Autocratic of democratic? Democratic. Getting as many people, from the congregation (and wider community), as possible on board strikes me as the best way to go. I did say I was aware sometimes I would have to make decision which may be unpopular with everyone. That said, I would still try to get as many people as possible on board and, hopefully, they would see why the difficult decision had to be made.

So, I wait to see what my latest PDI report says. Perhaps I'm being negative, but I don't think it's going to be as favourable as my last one! Oh well, if God's really calling me, I'll get exactly what I need.

My first...Presbytery meeting

I always had the impression presbytery was a dry, businesslike, meeting. My views haven't changed that much from last night, but the meeting wasn't as boring as I had imagined it would be.

After a short welcome and act of worship lead by the presbytery moderator, it was down to business. I must admit there were TLAs (three letter abbreviations) and the like which were right over my head, but I could follow most of what went on.

About half way through proceedings the matter of the future of tenure for ministry was brought to the floor for discussion. A small booklet for this has been produced and it is summed up with 8 key points. We were broken into 8 groups for 10 minutes to discuss one point each - the potential advantages, disadvantages, further comments and whether ministries council should prepare a full report for next year's General Assembly.

My group's point was, in effect, continual assessment of ministers. I think we all saw the merits of this - dealing with problems at an early stage, ministers having more support after the initial 5 years from ordination etc - but how would it be implemented? A minister is answerable to presbytery, not their elders or congregation. Also, it could, if implemented wrongly, lead to resentment and a feeling a minister was restrained from preaching the word properly.

It was a good discussion and all members of the group contributed. I even made a couple of observations which were noted and I am not a member of presbytery!

I liked the idea of breaking a large group into smaller groups to discuss parts of a topic. There's more chance people will put their views forward. Without presbytery's views going to the appropriate councils at 121, 121 will do what they think is best on the feedback they've had. More feedback and better ways of getting it is no bad thing as far as I'm concerned.

One other thing I noted from last night - how many ministers were wearing their dog collars. I was a little surprised by that, in this day and age. I suppose it could have been the attitude of "I'm at work - work equals dog collar". Whatever rings your bell, I suppose, but I don't think it matters what we wear, even in the business of the church, but what we do and say.

And, I think last night may be the first time ever someone has arrived on a Honda Goldwing!!! The gerbils' car is sick and Mr Gerbil was my chauffeur for the evening.

What a nice man!

As I mentioned here, my assessor passed me the details of a member of the ministries support team. I suppose a way to describe him is a minister to ministers.

He's a hard guy to get in touch with; it's the nature of his job. I finally spoke to him on Monday and arranged a meeting this afternoon. It was a good open, friendly and productive chat. It was also a bit challenging, but in a supportive and non-judgemental way.

My assessor hadn't told him anything about me, except I am currently an enquirer. He didn't even know which type of ministry I feel called to. So, a clean slate for me.

I told him of the healing service and my reaction to it, as the conversation I had later with my assessor regarding it was the trigger for our meeting. I also spoke of the bad reaction I had back at my last placement (see here).

I'm fairly sure I know the triggers for both instances. With the healing service, my personal experience with someone close to me suffering from depression. With the other meeting, the effects of bullying when younger.

I also explained I feel these experiences are all mirrors being held up before me. That God is holding up those mirror to allow me to really know myself and, through that knowledge, minister for Him.

He thought that was a really good way of looking at it (no pun intended there). He also told me many people in the enquiry process think the kirk is looking for full-formed minsters etc with total self-awareness and no growth necessary. I didn't think that for a minute, but it is reassuring to actually be told that.

He made a few suggestions for dealing with situations, such as the classic counting to ten before speaking, and reminded me there is often more than we see, both in situations and our reaction to them. The main tool I need to use for this journey is my journal. I need to write, read, reflect and learn through its use more.

Apparently he can recommend counselling and arrange it if he feels the person he's talking to needs it. He didn't feel I did. It's funny, there's a time when I would have baulked at the thought of counselling. Now, if I needed to do it in order to follow God's calling, I would do it if recommended.

At the end of meeting he told me if I needed any advice or to talk again just to get in touch with him. What a lovely man!

And, I have so much to learn and growth to do. Only by God's grace can I.

Patience

I was away when the letter from Ministries council finally arrived with the details on my next CFA placement, so there was about a week and a half delay between the letter being sent and me being able to contact my local assessor. Given the time of year, not too bad I thought. Besides, it had been nearly 3 months since my last local review, so ministries council weren't exactly quick off the mark.

Well, today ministries council were in touch chasing-up my CFA agreement. I explained I had been away and had only briefly met with my local assessor after last Sunday's service to make introductions. The person at ministries council seemed a little surprised by that. Err, you keep me waiting for 3 months then chase me up after 2 weeks...patience is a virtue.

I'm doing to readings on Sunday at my new placement and rather looking forward to it. My local assessor wants me to enter the church with me, so she can introduce me to the congregation. That's very different from my last one were I was to sit in the pews and I was pointed out. I think I prefer the new local assessor's way of doing.

Now, I'm going to hang out the washing and pick some strawberries. What a thrilling way to spend a Friday evening. If there's enough strawberries I might make jam...

New placement

Finally, I've received a letter from Ministries council regarding my next placement. This is to be another 6 months of co-ordinated field assessment.

The only information ministries councils gives is the name, address and telephone number of the minister who's to be my local assessor. A bit of googling allowed me to find the church they are minister of.

I called the minister last night and left a message in their answerphone. Now, I just have to wait to hear from them. Given the time of year, they may well be on holiday.

So, another day in my journey of discerning God's call for me is dawning.

Uplifting

I had my first personal development interview (PDI - same initials as pre-delivery inspection for cars, I wonder if there's a connection?!) yesterday. I wasn't too nervous, but had no idea what to expect. I just went with an open mind and hoped for the best.

What a positive experience it was. The interviewer was really lovely. He asked a little about my background, university and jobs. Nothing too major. He did ask a little about being brought up by a single parent, but I was sort of expecting that. Okay, by upbringing is unusual, but everyone has their own normality. Basically I suppose those questions were to see what I'd say rather than why I'd made the choices I had.

One question I wasn't expecting was what I would do if a gay couple asked me to bless their union. I gave my argument as to why I would do it. He seemed okay with what I said. In fact, he even told me that question was to test how I would react to difficult questions and whether I could give a reasonable argument, when the question was unexpected and I needed to answer quickly. I think because he was so open about the reason for the question that he was satisfied with it. I hope so...

He asked me about the frequency of meetings with my supervisor. I told him they were around every 3-4 weeks. He wasn't too impressed with this. I did tell him my supervisor has a reader in training too, but he didn't see that as an excuse. As far as he was concerned I have needs and they are his priority. If my supervisor didn't have time for meetings with both the reader and I he shouldn't have taken us both on. On the back of this, I have contacted my supervisor about the frequency of our meetings. My next one has been brought forward and we already have the one after that booked. That's progress then.

His other concern was that I have never done a sermon. His argument for doing at least one during the co-ordinated field assessment was he felt it's important to know if you can stand in front of a congregation and talk for 10 minutes. I can see where he's coming from and, given I have done a lot of things in services in my home church, I think it would be good for me. That said, I know it isn't an expected element of the enquiry process. After all, there will be people called to ministry who, for a variety of reasons, haven't had the opportunity to even read a lesson. I've let my supervisor know about this one too, but won't be too concerned if he doesn't feel it's necessary at the moment.

I know I get a copy of his report. I hope it's as positive as the meeting. Otherwise, I will have read the situation completely wrong. Fingers crossed I haven't.

Scary stuff

Ministries council at Church of Scotland HQ (aka 121) have sent me a pile of paperwork.

Some is to do with my personal development interview (PDI) on Monday. That I was expecting, though I do not know what to expect (that sounds completely contradictory, doesn't it!). I will post how I got on after the event. I'm going with an open mind (and heart).

No, the scary stuff is:

• A form asking which of the assessment conferences I am able to attend. One step at a time guys; I'm only 1 month into my co-ordinated field assessment.
• An information leaflet about training for full-time ministry, containing advice to write to the Deans of Divinity at the various universities to apply for a place, if I wish to begin studies in 2009. Err, even if I get through my local review, that doesn't mean I'll get through the assessment conference.

It's not that I don't feel called. In fact, the deeper into this process I get, the more my sense of call grows. I feel I am pleasing God and He is supporting me at the moment, even when I don't think I can handle this.

My heart tells me I will get through all the hoops and will need a place at uni next year. My head tells me, be patient. You've waited this long another little while won't make any difference.

God might have other ideas, though...