Is any job better than none?

I was reading this article yesterday. Much of what was said resonated with me, from my own experience and that of those close to me.

Back at the beginning of the last recession (the early '90s), my Mum was made redundant. She, as with many of her generation, had been in her "job for life" and had just completed 29 years with the company. Also, she was brought up to work - not "sponge off" the dole.

After a couple of months out of work, she really started getting down. Luckily (so we thought) she was offered a job in a local butchers, though how lucky that was at £2 an hour, we would soon find out. Once working for that company, she realised it perhaps wasn't lucky - or at least those of us closest to her thought that. The hours were long. Officially, it was 40 hours per week, but often as not it was 50-60, with no overtime payments. Complain and you'd get your P45. The catch being, as you'd made yourself unemployed, you would not be entitled to any unemployment benefits.

Then, it came to Christmas. employees of this company were expected to start work at 5am, often not leaving until 6pm. Again, no overtime or time in lieu was paid. It was taken to be part of the job. If you didn't like it, close the door on the way out. Given the state of the economy in the area at the time, and my Mum's mental health, that wasn't going to happen.

Mum became more and more depressed. She didn't have a routine. If the company needed her to work late, she had to. The company needed her to work weekends, she had to. There were no holidays, during her time there, otherwise she would have had to work them, no doubt.

Fortunately, for Mum's well being, the company decided to shut the shop Mum was working at. No transfer was possible and I have to admit I was pretty relieved. A few months later, she started a course at the local college and, once that finished, began working for Crossreach (of the Church of Scotland department of Social responsibility as it was then). Finally, she had a job where she was listened to and valued. Where there was a routine and, if she had to work late, she received time in lieu. That job, I'm sure, saved her life.

Fast forward a few years. I started working for a land survey company. It was shortly before minimum wage came in. If minimum wage had been applicable at the time, my salary would have been 20% higher than they were. I suppose I should have had alarm bells going off at that, especially as I was recruited as a graduate with survey experience!

While working for that company, I couldn't plan anything. I regularly worked 12, 14, sometimes 16 hour days, getting home cold and wet at 10pm. knowing I'd have to start work again at 8am. I would get home, have something to eat and go to bed. In the morning I would pull on my wet steel-toe capped boots, as I needed to wear them on site.

I had to work weekends, again at short notice, even if I had something planned. I even had to work night shifts at Heathrow airport, for a couple of months, sharing a room in a house with 10 people and 1 bathroom. Nice.

At one point, I saw the owner of the company physically assault one of my colleagues. I also experienced verbal abuse for failing an eyesight test necessary for working on railways. I have told my employer I would fail, due to not being able to see out of one eye. I was told I should have remembered the eye test card and just said it when they tested that eye. I'm sure the HSE would have loved that!

Due to the long hours, not getting enough sleep and constantly having to wear wet boots, I pretty much had a permanent cold. I also started to get really down. I knew I had to get out and the company's attitude was really adversely affecting my mental health.

The turning point for leaving was I was going to T in the Park. I had booked some of my precious leave to attend. About a week before the event, I was told by my boss I was being sent to Birmingham for 2 months. But what about my leave? Tough.

I know it's only a music festival, but this wasn't the first time I'd paid for tickets for an event, only to be set away for the duration. That, combined with all the other things going on the company, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went home and told my family what had happened. I also told them I was going to quit. They were so supportive of me, as they knew the affect the company was having on my health - both physical and mental.

When I went in the following day and handed in my notice, it was such a relief and one of the best decisions I have made. Okay, leaving without having anything to go to did mean I was out of work for a couple of months, but I was happy. Money is definitely not everything.

Funnily, while I was looking for another job, a very good friend of mine suggested ministry. I think I laughed and gave a list of reasons why not. Again, I think that was another seed being sown for me. But, there's a time for everything. That wasn't my time.

So, a good job with a good employer will improve mental health. A bad job with a bad employer will have a detrimental effect on mental health. I'd fully agree. I've seen and experienced both. I also know a bad job can become a good job with a decent employer and vice versa.

How's the beginning of the rest of my life?

That's how my sister-in-law described leaving work yesterday when she called tonight. It's great to be "out". For me to know be in a position to tell anyone who asks what I'm up to now, I can tell them I am going to be a minister, without having to keep track of what circle they revolve in and weather or not it would work its way back to work.

Perhaps I did my colleagues a disservice not telling them. Of those Spot and I are in touch with outwith work, the response has been very, very positive. That said, it only takes a couple of bad apples to ruin the whole barrel and, well the least said about that the better.

I think Spot is going to feel like he's part of the Spanish inquisition on Monday, though at least he'd be expecting it! It may be interesting to learn the questions of some of the less open-mined members of his office will be then.

So, 6 months to fill before becoming a student again. I hope I don't manage to fill my time so effectively I don't know how I'll fit in studying! God knows, I could definitely do with some decent R&R and I am going to take this opportunity that has fallen my way to take it. Exciting times ahead, of that I have no doubt!

Tired

It's not long until my last day at work. I have, quite deliberately, kept back a large chunk of leave so I don't have to work until the wire on 31 March.

Everyday, though, I am finding it harder and harder to be someone I am not. I am a people person who cares deeply about those around me - even those who don't like me. It's hard trying to get the work done well, so my colleagues don't have to fix my mistakes. It's also so those who dislike me don't get ammunition to shot me with even once I have left.

Just before I leave, I am going to "out" myself as a trainee minister. There are some who will not be up nor down about it. There are some who will be very positive about it (and perhaps may have already put two and two together). There are some, though, who will think it's the most preposterous thing they've heard. If they read the notice with a mouthful of coffee, I think their PC screen may wear it.

For me, it will be a release. I am looking forward to being able to tell people who I am. To be who I am. Called and loved by God, just as they are if they would only let him in. Maybe even those who I think would be negative about this remember things I have done - when I have spoken to the outcast from the group, for example - and realise I was doing those things to show God's love to those others reject.

30 days to go

I had a bit of an odd conversation at my home church today. At coffee, I mentioned to my Mum I've 30 working days left (devastated I am, truly devastated!). This is as I have to use my holiday entitlement before I leave under voluntary redundancy. As a result, I am having all of March off. Hence, 30 working days left.

So, the person sitting with us, somewhat indignantly went "How?". I explained I was taking voluntary redundancy. "Well, you'll get something else, won't you?". "Err, possibly not", I replied. "Taking a few months off to do my own thing is looking very appealing. This might be the last chance I get". The person then asked "so, is he [Spot] letting you".


I recalled the conversation to Spot and he was surprised and a bit taken aback. He is very supportive of me and completely understands why I would want to take some time out. It did get us talking about what I would have done if he hadn't let me. That's something that hadn't occurred to either of us. We support each other. That's the way it is. Yes, I may do some voluntary work, but it'll be on my terms. I may just take very long walks and even get back into cycling. Whatever I do, it'll be between God, Spot and I. No one else. I'm looking forward to it.

Being "someone else"

I'm finding work - my current paid employment, rather - frustrating at the moment. It's not what I'm called to do. I've never especially liked it (though I have been there 10 years!) and it's never really engaged or challenged me.

Now I am, officially, a candidate in training for ministry, the feeling of frustration is greater than it's ever been. While I have accepted my office's voluntary severance scheme, my colleagues do not know why I am leaving. I haven't revealed this as I have been bullied in the past for my faith and I know there are many very critical people I have to work with everyday who, if they knew I was going to be a minister, would knit pit everything I said and did - "you doing/saying that and you're going to be a minister." Yes, it's tough.

Being there, I can't be who I am. I know my colleagues see me as tight fisted, weird and boring. Yet, those who know me outwith work don't. They see me as a very loving, caring, interesting person. How can this be? Because where people see me as caring I am being me and I am respected for being so. I am not at work.

I don't fit into their "norms". I don't especially like shopping and don't own a TV, so can't talk about X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing. When I used to be asked what I was up to at the weekend - youth club, young church, church coffee morning, bird watching - it didn't go down well. Now, I'm not asked and, pointedly, my nearby colleagues are asked how their weekends were. I'm not.

I was telling Spot this on the way home from work on Friday and he says he finds it frustrating too. "Look at it from my perspective. 'What were you up to at the weekend, Spot?' Oh, I went with Mrs Gerbil as she preached at our church yesterday and she was bloody good. Until you go, I can't do that." He's dead proud of me.

There are a handful of my colleagues who know I am not just leaving  on  a whim. They know I will have a plan. These colleagues have asked me and I have confirmed I do have one and explained I have a very good reason for keeping it quiet at the moment. They have respected this and will, genuinely, be interested when I do reveal myself.

It's not long until I leave, thankfully. My official leaving date is 31 March next year, but I have holidays to use, so it will be before that I actually go. It'll be odd not being there, given the time I have been there. But I know it will be a great release. No having to be someone else. Of being me and the person God created and calls.

3 weeks in

It’s now almost 3 weeks since I started distance learning and I am rather enjoying it. I more or less mastered the Greek alphabet in the first week of classes, though doing as our tutor recommended and writing it out daily, combined with testing myself with flash cards Spot downloaded to my phone definitely helped.

My first essay for Mark has now been completed. The system at Aberdeen is the first two essays are formative and, as such, do not count towards the final mark; they are there to check we students have the right end of the stick. My problem wasn’t writing 500 words, but only writing 500 words.

Sometimes I get concerned whether or not I’ll be good enough for studentdom; I wasn’t that studious first time round and it has been 11 years. So, distance learning will certainty break me in. I’m also concerned I don’t get a high enough grading for these courses and Edinburgh uni won’t give me a place. I’m sure it won’t come to that, as I am putting a reasonable amount of effort into my studies (maybe too much). I suppose I’d be happier if I had a letter from Edinburgh Uni confirming my unconditional place for starting divinity next year. But, I’ll just have to be patient for that. It also helps to have applied...

I am doing some of my study during breaks at work. I see my colleagues looking at the various books I have on my desk (the bible, Elements of New Testament Greek and a commentary on Mark). None of them ask why I’m reading them. I haven’t told my colleagues why I've applied for voluntary severance (VS). There are some who'd be thrilled and supportive. Unfortunately, they are in the majority. I know anytime I said or did something they felt was inappropriate for "someone who's going to be a minister"I won't hear the end of it. Given I have been bullied for my faith in this office in the past, I don't want to give them ammunition. Besides, if they knew I was leaving anyway, why accept my VS application when I will be natural wastage soon enough.

As for study, I also need to remind myself it is also first year standard. I think I am still very much in fourth year mode. On Thursday I, along with the rest of Mark's gospel's class, will receive feedback from my essay. Once that comes back, I know I'll feel more comfortable as I will then know what is expected of me. Hopefully it's positive!

Should I stay or should I go?

Yesterday, my office announced a voluntary redundancy scheme. My initial reaction was “show me the money; show me the money”. Over the course of the evening, Spot and I had a long chat about the implications of the package.

Ideally, my office wants those taking up the offer to leave by 31 December. Doing the sums, Spot and I would be worse off with me leaving then than waiting until next August to leave. That, of course, works on the assumption I do not get another job meantime. However, the redundancy offer does say the leaving date can be as late as 31 March 2011. With that as a leaving date, it does make the package more beneficial than staying for an additional 4-5 months (if I did manage that long!).

I know Spot supports whatever decision I make. As he said, he was expecting me to be leaving about now to go to uni, so any earnings I have beyond now are a bonus. There’s also the matter the office may not receive sufficient applications now and compulsory redundancies come in in the new financial year, with poorer terms. Worse still, from our perspective, during that round Spot’s made redundant rather than me.

I have decided I will apply for redundancy. Obviously I have prayed for guidance with this decision. I feel God not only supports it, but wants me to trust Him. That this is all part of His plan for me and He will provide for Spot and I.

Skiving work!

The snow has resulted in my hubbie and I taking the day off work. When finding the front path is a problem, we don't go to work. It's not as though our work is of the essential kind.

Our office only closes for the public holidays and my hubbie and I would rather have holidays when there's more interesting things to do! I normally take Christmas eve off, so I can have a long lie (usually 'till 7:30 - far out or what!!!), prepare Christmas dinner and get things ready for Christmas in the Gerbil household. Given the unexpected day off, I've now done my Christmas eve duties. At least today's been productive.

As for tomorrow, I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Back to work

Well, after 9 and a half weeks, my hubbie and I finally went back to work tomorrow. As we'd been off for a while, we were offered a phased return to work on a part-time basis. We didn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

It's quite good to be back. I have been able to catch up with some people (though not many, we've only done 8 hours so far this week). Also, we need to get back into some sort of routine.

Everyone I've spoken to has been genuinely concerned about us. I've even had people I don't usually speak to asking how we were, what happened and how we managed. Oh, I don't deliberately not speak to them, honest!

One more step on the road back to normality. Whatever normality is!!!