This placement seems to be going well. I'm learning a lot (though I am very aware I have a lot to learn); the congregation are warm, friendly and encouraging; my supervisor is approachable, understanding and willing to let me try. For a first placement, I couldn't have done much better, really.
Uni also seems to be going okay. My tutorial and essay marks have been good. Exams marks won't be published until the end of this month, so there's a little more waiting until I can breath a sigh of relief that that's all okay, though I'm sure it will be.
Yet, despite all these positives, I can't help but get over this "what am I doing?" urge. It's not a doubt of my call, more a will I ever be able to do this ministry thing well; will I ever be properly prepared?
I suppose, in fact I know, I don't want to get complacent and think I'm just going to swan through the whole process. That, IMHO, would be disasterous for me and any church I was expected to lead. I need to be stretched and challenged and helped and encouraged. I feel that's what is happening to me and I know it is necessary for my growth in order I may serve well.
Just can't get the "you chose me, God?" thing out of my head. He definitely has a sense of humour, that's for sure!
Quoting: 'I can't help but get over this "what am I doing?" urge. It's not a doubt of my call, more a will I ever be able to do this ministry thing well; will I ever be properly prepared?'
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that should you ever lose that sense of 'what am I doing'? it would be a good signal to get out of ministry!! It's a good question to have at the back of the mind as a reflective tool... plus it stops complacency dead in its tracks. This doesn't mean to say you won't find, with time and experience, that some stuff will come more easily to you.
How do we define 'well'? What is the measure you're using? I recommend reading Eugene Peterson's 'The Jesus Way' and 'Under the Unpredictable Plant' on this score. It is too easy to get into measuring 'well' in terms of corporate/ management speak. Always, always, always fight against that: people before efficiency measures.... And you may never know that you have done something 'well': that brief chat over a cuppa which you may not have thought about much at all, may have been the first time in years that someone might have felt truly listened to, focused on.
We work in unquantifiables so often, and it's the stuff of nightmares when someone is trying to run an institution efficiently :)
What is it to be 'properly' prepared?
I think you can never be 'properly' prepared for every eventuality: my own sense is that properly prepared is learning to be human, learning to be there, learning to 'fess up when you have made an arse of it all... and learning that we don't necessarily have a right to feel comfortable in the midst of someone else's pain. But we don't do this job alone: God's got our back - properly prepared is perhaps learning this last and hanging onto it tightly :)
Mmmh - management targets. I'm not one for those. Never have been and never will be. People can't be put in boxes and neatly labelled. Would make things easier, though ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou're right about focusing on "God's got your back". I cling to that every time I do anything in this thing which is called ministry, in the knowledge with him there, everything will be okay in the end.
Thanks for the book advise - will give them a go when I'm some time (a strange quantity which can be hard to define and/or achieve...)