The next step

I thought those of you who occasionally drop in on this blog, through a sense of morbid curiosity, because you've found my trials and tribulations interesting or as you've supported me through parts of the process of discernment and training through your comments here, would like to know how things are going.

Well, I completed my probation at the brilliant, amazing Airside Kirk a the end of September. I still can't believe it's a month since that finished. The people there are extraordinary (though I may be a smidge bias!) and I learnt so much, and truly accepted I am a minister. My wonderful Boss helped with that a lot (am I am struggling to get out of the habit of calling her The Boss, as she's not anymore...).

As a leaving gift, they gave me this ark:

My Ark

All hand knitted with great love and affection. Even the rainbow's knitted, which is especially cool. They also gave me a quite large cheque, to spend how I wish. Though I've not thought of anything yet, I am going to get something keepy (like a good bit of furniture or something like that).

It's odd not seeing that church family. They became my church family really quite quickly after landing there and I know I will always be part of that family - will be welcomed back with open arms (perhaps a little too literally!) anytime I do visit.

But I have to go away. No really, I will be moving, because earlier this month I preached as sole nominee for linked charge in a a beautiful area of the north of Scotland, with amazing, wonderful people whom I just know I will be able to work with. They voted in my favour and I am their Minister Elect. Exciting times ahead.

When I look back 4 years ago, when I started training, I can hardly believe the journey I've taken. Looking even further back, and as some people who I know have pointed out, it's been a long and not especially straightforward journey for me. But, who wants a straightforward journey? The more circuitous routes may be harder to get to, but they've more often than not worth it, for the views, for the new experiences, for the self learning. That happens in road trips and cycles and walks, and, I think, in life in general. Looking back, though there have been tough bits (and I did make some things tough for myself), the journey's been a great one.

And now I am about to head off to begin the next bit of that journey. A journey, a road, a way I will never stop travelling, as I follow the path God leads me on, knowing that Jesus walks at my side.

Letting go

In 1 week's time, I will be unemployed. No, I won't sign on, for a variety of reasons, though it may be a useful bit of research into how those on benefits are treated. Over the course of probation, I've been setting aside a bit every week, so there's something to keep Spot and I going until I an 'in charge.' And I know we are very fortunate to be in this position.

Next month, I'll be preaching as sole nominee for a charge. After the service, the congregation will vote as th whether or not they want to call me as their minister. So, it's not a done deal quite yet. It does feel like the 'right' place, even though I go through waves of 'what have I done' and excitement. The excitement waves are longer and higher than the doubts, you'll be pleased to know!

But, at the moment I'm doing lasts. Last visits to people I've offered regular pastoral care too over the last 15 months; last meetings; last coffee mornings; last service (where I'm wondering if it was a good idea agreeing to take the service - done now, though!). Etc, etc.

Then, there's trying to visit people who have supported me, in many ways, through this placement, but who won't be there on Sunday to wish me well (I could, at this stage, have a bit of a rant in saying if they wanted to, they could come to me...but I won't too much!).

Then, there's trying to convince people I will not be around after 30 September. While I won't have anything church-wise to do, they need to let me go and know I am not part of Airside anymore. Or, maybe it's me who needs to go. I have a (possibly very bad) habit of going, preferring clean breaks to long, lingering goodbyes. Sooner or later, I will be (God willing - the congregation I am preaching as sole nominee for may still vote against me) over 150 miles away.

Yes, I know some will come to my ordination, and it will be lovely to have them there with me. 150 miles, I do think, is a great filter, as nosey people won't make that sort of journey just for the nebbiness factor.

It's hard this, harder than I thought it would be. But, as Spot said last night, I am a big softie, who doesn't like people knowing that I care. I need the clean break so I can let go.

The last year

I can hardly believe this time last year, I was about to begin a journey which would take me to visit Airside's twinned congregation in Malawi. It was an exciting opportunity and real privilege, which I know has lived with me since.

It was while in Malawi I began probation. I'm glad I was able to take the risk of going there - not only to an unknown place, but with an unknown group of people (and that was just those from Airside. Maybe I hadn't really thought about the fact if things hadn't gone well (with people being tired and not in their 'own' places, we can all be a little more grumpy than normal), especially as I was sharing a room with The Boss, probation may have been pretty awkward, to say the least!

But it was a great start and it's been a great year. Yes, there have been, especially in the early few weeks, a sense of me wondering 'should I really be here?' and me (stupidly and unfairly) comparing myself to The Boss. Once I got my head round I am who I am (oh, maybe I should rephrase that...) and I can only be the person God has called me, and to accept I am a minister, things started to fit into place. Consequently, I have become the minister I am now. And it's great.

I know I wouldn't be here without the support of many people. Spot, obviously; those who left positive and honest comments here over the years, especially during my struggles of enquiry - it was good to not have that sense of isolation I know some have during that; various supervisors and congregations. The biggest help this year has been The Boss, though she'll not take nearly as much credit for it as she should.

So here I am, 1 year on since the beginning of a journey at Airside. I can honestly say I have loved 99% of it and the other 1% was still good. God has certainly blessed me this year,

Which lead to a very positive final review the other day. The panel were broadly the same as those I met with at the half way point, so not an unknown quantity. I'm not sure how long these interviews are supposed to take - most people I've spoken to say 25 minutes or so. Then the probationer is invited to go outside, while the panel make their decision. I'm sure my interview only lasted 15 minutes maximum. The panel felt my and The Boss' reports were excellent (and I think they mean in terms of who I am as well as content). They asked a couple of questions, which were very specific to a couple of things I've been involved with and that was about it.

They didn't deliberate for long, a minute at most, and invited me back in to the good news that they are delighted with where I am and I may now begin the process of applying for my 'own' charge.

At the time, I was simply relieved. Not euphoric, not elated, just relieved that what I've done this year has been acknowledged and I was affirmed in my God given calling. It's only beginning to sink in.

Now, where is calling me to be their minister? Watch this space.

Getting ready

Blimey, probation isn't half flying in fast. Sunday will mark the 11 month mark. I really can't believe there's only 4 months to go!

Added to that is the realisation that there are some things which, in the next few weeks, I'll be doing for the last time at Airside Kirk. Or, the next time they happen may be less than 2 weeks before my time there is up!

I can honestly say, I have loved it. And continue to love it. Yes, there have been lower times, but that was me getting to grips with where I am spiritually and as a minister, rather than anything at Airside. I know I've come a long way, as the confidence in who I am, and what I am called to do is truly part of me, in a very real and deep down way.

Even more scary is in less than 4 weeks, I will have a review which will determine if I can begin the process of 'applying' for a charge. It's exciting and really quite terrifying all at the same time. Though there doesn't seem to be anything major, I'm taking nothing for granted about that.

Worryingly, or maybe not, there is one church which would like me to apply to them. That's not official, official, it you know what I mean, but they are quite keen on me. Not sure if I feel called, which is a shame, as they are lovely.

This week I've been filling in my forms which look at what I've done, how I've develop, over the year. I HATE FILLING IN FORMS. But I want to get them right, and give a fair and honest reflection on what I've achieved. The Boss also writes a report and we get to see one another's. I've always like the openness of this system. In this case, because supervision has been spot on, I suspect 121 might think we've copied and pasted from one another. But, that shows The Boss has done her job right, I think.

Then, the other night, I have a mock interview, as if I was applying for Airside. It was really useful and I can see where I could have answered better, where I answered well and questions I would want to put to a nom com. It was a bit surreal, too, though, as the group and I know one another very well. It's lovely how seriously they took it, how much effort and prep went into it and how much they want to help me as much as they can. Pity I can't take them with me, but I've been told I can't have them by The Boss!

Wherever I go I know it will be the right place and I will be the best minister I can be because of all who've worked with me since I began this journey 7 years ago, especially Airside. I'll miss them; boy will I miss them.

Getting real

Ten and a half months, that's how long I've been on probation. On one level, it feels as though I've been at Airside Kirk for years, but on the other hand, the time hasn't half flown in. So, deadlines are coming up. And they are making me 'glup.'

There's a church law essay, which I have been procrastinating over for a while. (Actually, still am!). Then, at the same time, the various forms The Boss and I need to fill in, assessing and reflecting on all I've done, go into 121. They form the basis for the discussion at my final review, which is towards the end of June. If that review goes well, I can 'properly' begin bouncing up and down and saying "pick me, pick me" to various churches.

And this is where the 'what church would be daft enough to take me' doubts creep in. On one level, I really do know I can do this. Since beginning training, I have experience how God has, and continues, to gift me with what I need to follow my calling. That has been most in evidence through this probationary period.

People, especially within the congregation, have told me to have greater confidence in my abilities. And I know where they are coming from, but I also know there's a fine line between confidence and complacency and/or cockiness. There's being realistic, without being self-deprecating, while always relying on God.

Oh, and before the essay and forms are due, before the final interview, my wonderful (and I do mean this, they are wonderful) support group are going to put me through a mock interview. For which I'll (I think) need to prepare a CV. And work out what questions I'll ask. I don't want to do it, but know I need to...

And a CV. Oh, there are people in the congregation who can help with this, but I am really bad at selling myself. If I'm being honest, I sort of object to having to sell myself, but how else is a congregation who may want me going to know what I am coming with. I know an application form, then I have fixed questions to answer. Argh. But needs must. Must remember not to be flippant with it!

It's all getting a bit 'real.' Was always going to. But it's definitely where I should be going and I know God is with me and before me and around me every step of the way.

Messy Church - it's not really for everyone

As with a growing number of churches, Airside Kirk host a regular Messy Church. Over the time I have been involved in these at Airside, I have seen a growth in numbers attending and a deepening of relationships between families, and between those of us from Airside Kirk would help run Messy. There's definitely something happening there and I will be sad not to be around for much longer.

The thing that gets to me about Messy is the argument that Messy isn't for children, it's for all. While I agree with the former part of that statement, I do not agree it is for all. That's not just from my experience at Airside, but based on a lot of thinking about this over the last wee while. (Triggered, in part, with thinking about how to 'attract' couples without children to hear and learn about the gospel).

If Messy is open to all, then I wonder how organisers of Messy churches would react if a single person (especially a man on his own) came to Messy. I don't think we'd know what to do. Yet, I'm told Messy is for everyone.

And, if I'm being totally honest, if I wasn't involved in church, I would not go to Messy. Yes, Spot and I are a family, but we are a family without children. Where would we fit into Messy? And how would those who come to Messy react?

This isn't a criticism of Messy church. Not really, honest! I think there's never going to be a one size fits all model of church. Messy is one way of being church, it's not the only one and that's great, because there's diversity in God (the trinity) and people reflect that diversity.

I still have no answers as to how Messy could become truly for all. Maybe it never can, is that a bad thing? I don't think so, I think those of us who are involved in Messy should acknowledge that.

Worrying about others or myself

It's nearly 10 months since I began probation at Airside Kirk. Wow - that's certainly flown in, but with it comes the ever growing realisation that it won't be that long till I'll be moving on from there. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh.....

God willing, I'll 'pass' my final review (the intensive interview which decides if I can can proceed to ordination, and which allows me to being the formal search for 'my' church). Then I have 3 months to find a job, before I'm unemployed. I know everyone tells me I'll find somewhere without a problem, but I'll begin counting chickens once they've hatched!

I have been looking, on occasion, at parish profiles, so I have a bit of an idea where I may go. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, as if I say I am not going somewhere, I can guarantee that's where I'll end up.

In among this all, I am still learning (but that will never stop), still growing, still doing what I am called to do, which includes supporting colleagues - especially (at this stage) those of us who are also on probation. I have been sometimes concerned how they will manage once 'on their own,' but I now realise it's been a whole load of projection on my part.

I am concerned how I'll manage once I am 'The Minister.' Once there's no more buck passing (not that I get to do that much, but I hope you know what I mean); once I go somewhere new and I have to begin the whole process of getting to know the congregation, the parish etc again.

I know this is the way it much be. And there are things which, I completely support, I wouldn't necessarily do it that way, long term, where I might go. There's things I may say in another context, I would not say at Airside. Perhaps not because they shouldn't hear it, but because it would not fit with what they're used to (sorry, being deliberately vague!).

So, I need to think, when I wonder about others, am I really wondering about myself? And, if I am being honest, the answer is yes.

This stage in my journey

Airside is currently 'doing' (oh, that sounds really bad, doesn't it?) its stewardship season at the moment, which is focusing on talents. I've enjoyed being part of the planning and preparation for this, which began back in September, just after their 'money' season. The team who organise and promote stewardship at Airside are a hardworking, dedicated and fun group (boy, am I going to miss this congregation...).

There's a coffee morning next week, to for the congregation to come to and see what they can maybe offer, to help the church. Maybe for a one off, maybe for a year. I know, there has already been people coming forward, to help with things, as a result of hearing and reading about the stewardship campaign. Which is great.

Today, was the 'main' service, focusing on talents, how we are all gifted, all called, and all can do something. And it was well thought out and planned, which was reflected in the service.

What I wasn't expecting, was elements of it to freak me out. Some of the words of hymns, or prayers, or even looking around and realising what a great community there is at Airside. Mainly, it was comments about gifts - unearthing them, trying something, taking the risk to see if that's where God is calling you at the moment - all not directly intended for me, but just were.

I'm so conscious of how much I've grown in faith and experience and trust in God during my time (so far) at Airside. I have unearthed gifts I didn't know I had (and they can only be from God, because how else do you explain someone who's musically inept, who can't read music and who can't sing, being good at choosing the 'right' hymns, not just for today, but 99.9% of the time? And that's just one example). As my trust of God has deepened, I have felt better able to have confidence in my abilities. All just goes to show how getting the 'right' probation placement was worth it.

And, if you've been with me from the start, you'll know the route has been the long-way-round. If things had gone smoothly, I may have been an ordained minister for over a year by now. But all the waiting and difficulties have allowed me to understand who I am and accept God's calling. Really accept it. Besides, if I'd have a smooth run, I wouldn't have got to do my probation at Airside, and I know this is exactly where I have needed to be for this stage in my journey.

Blessing of ministry

I can't believe it's almost 8 months since I began probation. In many ways, I realise I've come a long way. I've grown confident in the gifts God has given me. Discovered gifts I didn't know I had, or had not had the chance to use. In a strange way, I feel more reliant on God since I began back at the beginning of July than I ever have been, and I feel almost as though the stabilisers are being taken off (if they were even there in the first place!). It's like God's hand's no longer holding onto the saddle, running along beside me and I try not to look back, try not to worry he's not right there, least I fall off.

Yesterday's service was, in many ways, testament to that. I know I can write good prayers, to which people relate, and for which I am regularly surprised at, too. Sermons are better, with more things for people to reflect on; chew on. And it seems my presentation style is more and more relaxed and natural. As I feel comfortable, the congregation listens to what I am saying, engages (I pray) with the message, and is not concerned for me.

This 'change' (oh, we're the Church of Scotland, we don't do change, do we?) is helped by being allowed to be who I am, as called by God. That's not to say I get away with things; not to say I haven't been challenged and stretched and questioned and criticised - far from it. But I have also bee affirmed, encouraged, supported and loved, by The Boss and the congregation. This has made me want to be better at being a minister, as I live up to the high standards to which God calls me.

And here I am, this week, "The Minister". It struck home yesterday when an elder asked how I wanted the bible taken into worship - as I was the boss. It was my call, and they were letting me take that call. What a privilege to have gained their trust and respect - they are a fabby group of people and I am so pleased to be where I am (not sure if I've mentioned that recently!).


With the relationships I'm building up, I realise this is going to be a hard place to leave. It was almost inevitable, being embedded somewhere full-time for 15 months. I knew that intellectually, but it really struck home the other week, as I watched someone who'd worked at Airside for a few years move onto pastures new, and I 'saw' the future. It has also struck home to me on the back of a couple of pastoral visits I've done recently, as I have grown to know and love these people.

As I've grown to know and love them, I see ministry becoming more and more blurred. Perhaps not so much here, but in the future. When am I minister, or friend. When are they talking to Mrs Gerbil, as the minister; Mrs G as Mrs G, who just happens to be the minister; or the minister, who just happens to be Mrs G? Oh, how much easier (though probably much less fun and more boring) ministry would be if it was back and white, not the many shades of grey it is. With the shades of grey, it's harder to divide life from work and work from life. But that's the blessing of ministry, though one I think I'm still to 'work through' properly.

It's not me in charge

So, with The Boss being away, I'm "in charge," or so I'm told! Well, no, I'm not. God is. And, besides, I need to live up to the trust The Boss has placed in me.

At the same time, I  have to figure out what/who/when I should visit or read or prep etc, etc. Always, and this is coming exclusively from me, in the shadow for what The Boss would  do. It's not about emulating, but living up to the standard I am setting for myself. This hend in tension with the expectation the congregation have on me, as their assistant minister - or for this week, their minister. (This is one of those things where the expectation I place on myself is greater than anyone else's).

The complication this week is I don't have worship to prepare for next week, as I'll be at probationers' conference. Sad as it seems, I was looking forward to an opportunity of juggling church life/responsibilities as a whole, including Sunday worship. Hopefully, there will be other times I can do that, before I'm 'really' on my own.

Having said that, today's service went very well, in the main. It flowed, it linked and I don't think I made any errors of note. A couple of people thought it was my best sermon, yet. Not sure about that, but that's me being very self critical. The thread ran through the whole service, but there was one things, though linking to the readings and theme, I could have dropped and made a 'neater' package (sorry, couldn't think of a better way of phrasing that!). I even got the intimations 'right,' which was something I really needed to improve, as they'd not flowed or I'd missed stuff (though recovered well) previously.

It's funny, I wasn't necessarily feeling more confident inside. I have high standards to live up to (self-imposed, I hasen to add), along side the realisation that it's up to me to make sure worship is as good as it can be. Actually, just before the service the Session Clerk asked me how I was feeling - honestly. Bricking it was my response. Well, she wanted my honest answer!

Afterwards, some did comment I seemed to be more confident (that'll be because The Boss wasn't there - suppose it's better than being less confident, or complent because The Boss isn't watching). And I know she'll listen to the service recording when she gets back, but she wasn't present. Though the congregation assess every week (and this week around 15% of them were asked to fill in a critique form, which I knew about. That alone may have dropped my confidence, but the questions it asked are things I know I am doing well already and, if I wasn't, The Boss would be addressing), it's not the same as when a supervisor is in the congregation. As a minister, they will pick up on things most in the congregation will not. It's funny, she shouldn't make me nervous, as we have a very good working relationship, but she does. This out of deep respect I have for her, not fear.

Now, for the rest of the week, with all the challenges, decisions, choices and general stuff I need to/want/would like/am 'expected' to do. I may be "The Minister" this week, but it's definitely God in charge, not me.

I love my job

I'm not going to lie, the last year of academic study was tough. Actually, it wasn't so much the academic study, as the other stuff I'd taken on (too much), the stuff I needed to do on the back of an annual review and the niggling feeling that I was going to be kicked out of ministry training. Long story short, it was more about my fears and doubts that anything else. (Why is hindsight always 20:20?)

Now, I look around and I can't believe the change. I am able to be the minister I am called to be, which (and she'd completely deny it) is in no small part down to The Boss. It's funny, I don't think she realises the impact she has had on me and many others, just by being the person she is.

I am so lucky and blessed to be serving my probation at Airside Kirk. The combination of minister and congregation mean I am exactly where I need to be at this stage in my journey. The funny thing is, had I had an 'easy' ride to beginning training, I could never have gone there for it. God really does have a plan, and he's taking me alone for the ride. These days, rather than the ride being daunting, it's fun and exciting and exhilarating (yes, and sometimes a little terrifying, but I trust God and the path I'm on).

And it's not like I'm getting an easy ride or little to do or not being 'properly' supervised. The Boss is on the ball about this and I (for the first time in training) actually look forward to our weekly meetings. Yes, those meetings where I reflect on what I've done or see or read or witnessed and where I am asked to reflect some more - those meetings I enjoy, because I trust and respect The Boss, so can be open when things have been a struggle or gone wrong, not because I want to mope or because I think I'll get tea and sympathy, but because I know she wants to support me the best way she can to be the best minister I can be.

The thing is, and it won't be for 7 months yet, but I will be leaving Airside and going into the big bad world. And I will miss them, even those I get on with less than others. I will especially miss The Boss, because she's a good guy and we have a good working relationship, which I wonder how it will pan out once I'm gone.

Anyway, enough of the navel gazing, off to eat some pancakes and get ready for this evening's meeting.

I love my job.

Old ways of worship in new ways too

There are some things I never thought I would do. I would have regarded them as too 'new age' or 'arty' or 'vague'. Now, I am trying them out, especially as I've learnt 2 important things about where 'my'ministry.

Firstly, and this is really obvious, but sometimes has to be restated. It's not about me. Ever. Yes, I do firmly believe God works through us, through our life experiences, through our personalities, through our knowledge and understanding of the world. At the end of the day, it should still be God working through me.

Secondly, just because its something I may not 'get' anything from, it doesn't mean others won't find something in the space which has been created. I suppose that refers back 'firstly'.

A recent example was me leading an evening service through Lectino Divina, following a pattern from Church in a circle. Had I been one of the participants, I would have probably wondered off with my own thoughts (maybe, at one time even wondering if the person leading had actually done any prep), perhaps even feeling a little empty because I hadn't got what I either (a) expected or (b) needed. As the person leading the service, actually more facilitating it, I was more focusing n what was coming next, watching body language to see who people were reacting etc.

Afterwards, a couple of people thanked me of the service and how much they got from it. Another commented how it gave them space to 'be' and permission to think. Someone even liked it so much they posted something on facebook (so I'm told, still avoiding that one!).

So, just because that may not have been my cup of tea doesn't mean I can't/shouldn't offer it as part of the diet of worship. I don't, generally, drink coffee, but once I am in a manse, it will be available for others. Maybe worship is a bit like that. There are elements which I wouldn't necessarily seek, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be made available for others who may want them. Some can be included in the 'normal' (whatever normal is) Sunday service. Others, such as Lectino Divina would sit better as a stand alone service, which, over time, might be lead by those other than the minister (oh, heaven forbid!).

Exactly how I would try to launch these different ways of worship is grey - because it would depend a lot on the situation, people involved and, from my point of view, the guts to see if there's a will. In some ways it's been easier trying new things - which are new to the congregation at Airside, not just me - because I am in a position where I am expected to try new stuff. But, maybe part of working out where I am called to minister sits with working out whether the congregation, at the right time and pace, are willing to at least dip their toes and see how the water is.

Much to ponder, on so many levels. Glad I've tried this sort of worship; glad it went well; and surprise in myself that this is something I can see myself offering, in one way or another, in the future.

When will I get the hint?

I can't apply for my 'own' church until July. And I really have little idea where, geographically at least, that may be. But over the last few week, and especially the last week, I have been asked where I'll go at almost every turn.

Now, I know I take a while to get a hint - it did, after all, take me nearly 20 years to actually do something about the nagging in the back from God. I am the sort of person where, in these sort of cases, I don't need subtlety. I need thing IN BIG BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS, MAKING IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR. But I know it won't work like that; it doesn't work like that. So, maybe God's getting me to get my finger out.

Yet I come back to my original statement, I can't apply until the beginning of July. Oh, and that assumes a positive outcome to my final review, which will be at the end of June. Yes, I can have an idea where I may go, even have some applications ready to fire off once I can apply, but that's 5 months away and some churches I may be interested in may have called a minister meantime.

I have to admit, though, I may be slightly burying my head in the sand. I know I am a minister - Airside Kirk is allowing that to grow and flourish. Everyone else (including The Boss) is certain I will find a church no problem - which is a huge complement. If I really start to think about it, it all gets a bit real. A bit, I need to move, I need to 'stand on my own two feet' (okay, so it's my feet, but with a big lean into God, without whom I couldn't do what I do), the responsibility of being The Minister. Not just a minister, probationer, or assistant, or whatever they want to call me at the moment.

And the more I think about it, the more I think that's the thing - I don't want to think about it. Sigh. Maybe I should wait for churches to start battering down my door, but the number of vacancies means there's plenty of choice.

A choice, but I need to be called. This isn't like any other job, it's deeply relational, deeply exposing myself to others, and deeply reliant on where God is calling me to be. With so much choice I have a genuine concern the 'right' church may not be that easy to find at all.

But maybe it will. And maybe I need to take on board people's advice, concern, interest and realise God is dropping a hint. When will I get it?

Community building and working together

At the moment I am reading a lot. There's various blogs, reports, articles, books, daily reflections etc. They are written for a range of contexts (though church is a recurring thread), and prospectives, yet there are a couple of things that are drawing them all together - and it seems a bit more than coincidence.

The recurring themes are:

• Discipleship - what it is and how to build it.
• Moving from worship in rows of people listening to one person talk.
• Importance of intergenerational relationships in building community.
• And some sort of looking towards a less clergy (or top-down) model of church. (This is a bit more of a hard one to explain, as I do believe in any community, there needs to be leadership, but it's how that leadership is perceived and deployed that, as I read it, is the important thing here).

Now, I must admit, there is an element of 'chicken and the egg' here (oh, it was the egg, there is evidence from paleontology that eggs were around before chickens evolved), as I may be reading what 'agrees' and confirms my standpoint, but some of this did come from a book I was given to read by my supervisor, which I may not have chosen in different circumstances.

Part of what I keep coming back to, from all this stuff I am reading at the moment, is the importance of community. Community does not happen by 1 or 2 (or even a handful of people) leading a service in front of rows of people in a packed church. Do those gathered talk to one another beyond basic courtesy? How do those in the congregation interact with the scripture, the prayers, the sermon? Are they allowed to? How is what does on in worship built up through the congregations lives in the coming week (months and years)? How are the gifts of those gathered discovered, developed and deployed in God's service? In some ways, I a starting to wonder if my role is to work my way out of a job (or parts thereof) as I enable others to do stuff? (Or am I just getting that confirmed?).

In many ways, now I am involved in Messy Church at Airside Kirk, I see that happening in the community that is building up. It's families worshipping God together, and the leaders of Messy aren't the minister and I - it's proper team work. I suppose, it's collaborative leadership in action (121 will be pleased!). Those who come know who the leaders are, as we're showing crafts, or setting up games, or welcoming them, or doing the talk, or leading the music, but there's no distinction between the leaders. We all muck in where needed, take in tasks which we're able to do (or gifted to do), and we all wear our ordinary clothes - jeans and a top sort of stuff. Yes, some there know who The Boss is, as they've been to church at normal Sundays or through her school work, but some don't. And it doesn't matter, because we're doing this as a community, serving the community and, God willing, through building up our relationships with those who come, showing Christ's love working through us. Bottom line is, there's no perception of 'rank' by those who come. (Yes, I know there shouldn't be rank, and that ministers are not above anyone else, but people don't always react that way).

Perhaps, looking longer term (which is a dangerous thing to do, I know), my role is more one of facilitation, getting the congregation(s) I serve to grow and mature in their Christian faith, but with us all working together, sharing together, growing together. Then, if I am called somewhere else or am away for a prolonged period, things will still happen, the church will (and does and should) go on without me.

Maybe part of my call is to work my way out of a job? Or, at least some of the jobs ministers seem to take on, but they don't need to do and, through doing too much themselves, the priesthood of all believers is not reflected. The calling and gifts of all the Christian community are not found, not grown, not nurtured.

And, as for people sitting in rows and listening, I did wonder how that could be 'worked around' in a large congregation. Well, Airside is one. Though sitting in rows for the 'ordinary' (oh, believe me, I don't think there is such a thing there!) Sunday service makes better use of the space, I have introduced the congregation talking to one another on a couple of occasions (once in a children's address and once as the intro to a sermon) and it worked! I wasn't sure how it would go down, but took the risk. Not sure I could do it all the time, in the Sunday morning service, but certainly something I will use from time to time and in smaller contexts too.

I know all of this will feed in (in a scarily short period of time - run around the room with arms in air going arrrrrggggghhhhhh!) to figuring out where I am called to minister. No, I've no idea, but with God's grace and guidance I pray to go where he wants me to go.

Looking to where I may go

A couple of weeks ago, I attended my interim review. This makes sure probation is on track - that there are no major issues and may set new goals/objectives, depending on new/unforeseen/changing circumstances. The bottom line is, that things are confirmed as going well.

At the end of the review, the subject of 'looking for my own place' came up. Though I cannot formally apply until after a positive outcome from my final review, which is likely to take place in late June, it is recommended I have a 'clear' idea of where I may apply once that time comes. Clear? Well, me being me, I need things painted in BIG, HUGE CAPITAL LETTERS, as I can take a while to get the hint.

But I have, on occasion, been looking at the vacancy list on the Kirk website. There are some which seem to have been there for years. Yes, there may be reasons, but I wonder if it's a bit like the property market (especially when things are going well). When a house has been on the market for ages, people assume there's something wrong with it, but it might be perfect. Some of the long term vacancies may be the same. Not that I am saying that's where I will go, but I won't automatically disregard them.

As I look, there's the things which aren't there. Details of how to look at the parish profile without contacting the interim moderator. I only want a neb, not to implicitly indicate interest. In my opinion, if a church has a website, that should be used as a 'recuritment' page as much as direct contact, Life and Work adverts etc. And, if a church doesn't have a web presence, in some shape or form (even if it's a facebook page - and, well, I'm not exactly a fan of that platform, am I?) how does it reach beyond the 'normal' congregation or reach potentially their prefect minister, who lives at the other end of the country, but through looking at their web present can, to a certain extent, get a feel for the church and community. Just a feel, but a feel never the less. I could go on about my opinion of the importance of a half decent website here, but I'll just link to Spot's post on the matter instead.

Today, I looked at the new adverts in the Life and Work. The way most of those are worded, it seems the congregations are wanting an all-singing, all-dancing minister who is brilliant at almost everything. While I am sure that is not the case, on the ground, unfortunately, that's the impression many leave me with. Oh, and if you're going to have a photo of the interior, could it have some people in it, please? Pretty please, with sugar and a cherry on top?

So, do I know where I am going? No. Do I know I need to begin thinking where I am going? Yes, but with as open a mind as I can, trying to pick my way through what's said and what's meant, remembering who I am following and what gifts and talents I have, as they will influence where I am called to serve. With the added factor of Spot also being called to a recognised ministry in the church. Life, it's fun and exciting, and a little bit terrifying too. I go in the assurance I am being prepared for a congregation and community and they are being prepared for me.

God's spirit moving within me

I'm Scottish Presbyterian, so inevitably, I do not do change. Change, that's an anathema, a heresy, come on, let's all say "It's aye been" in a resounding chorus!!!

But I have been changing, and it's brilliant and a little scary all at the same time. The rawness and roughness are fading - I don't think they will ever disappear, as sometimes that's what gives me the 'breath of fresh air' attitude people commend me for (well, most of the time!). I suppose it's the rawness and roughness which were my barriers or my 'shields' as I was perhaps (what do I mean, perhaps - certainly is more like it!!!) concerned I wasn't cut out for this ministry role, that they had accepted the wrong person, that I was nervous of the labels and attitudes other's placed (and will continue to place) on me.

And now I stand, as me, just me. In the knowledge I am really, really, deep down in my soul, called by God to be a minister in his church. I stand in my brokenness, in my wounded state, with a willingness, a desire, a hope, to use that brokenness and those wounds to bind up other's. I know this sounds very deep, and it is deep. I am more and more amazed at how God is working through me, using me and gifting me in ways I could hardly have imagined even 6 months ago, never mind 6+ years ago when I began this part in my faith journey.

Because I have (finally) started to set aside those things which prevented God working through me, fully working through me (which I hasten to add, I believe is an ongoing process, one which will never be finished), my ministry gifts are further released. My preaching has improved enormously over these past 6 months, especially since the end of November, where something The Boss said was a bit of a light bulb moment. And some of the prayers I am writing, well, I write them, then use them for leading worship and even I am stunned at their content. The other week I included a line which said "may our praise and prayers be like sweet smelling incense, wafting up to heaven to mingle with the angels and saints..." If you wanted evidence of God working through people, you couldn't get more evidence than that - I mentioned this to a probationer friend last week and she looked me straight in the eye and asked "What have you done with Mrs G?" It is a very fair point, but one which shows how this acceptance of God using someone like me has allowed me to be so much more open to the Holy Spirit moving in and through me. (Sorry if this sounds like bragging, it's not my intent, I am just amazed at how God is working through me).

Even my interaction with people has changed. This is more difficult to get a handle on, but I find people are no longer wanting to scrape the surface when I am with them, but we enter a deeper place more readily, even among those who I know well and less so. Again, this can only be through God's presence being with me as I go about life.

One major thing I've notice is at training conferences I am no longer concerned that others have greater bible or theological knowledge than I do (and I mean both of those in the very academic sense). I no longer feel 'inferior', but look to the multitude of gifts we each have and how amazing it is that God called all of us to minister for him, because of our gifting. My gifts are just as valid as everyone else's. I do take a while to get the hint about these things, but I've got there in the end!

The journey continues, but it couldn't be more the right path, for me, if it tried. Of that there is no doubt. It's not that, with this new, deeper, understanding that the journey will suddenly get easier, or that I will be able to ease off the gas, but I feel fit enough to take on the steep climbs and the narrower paths in this knowledge, this amazing knowledge that, even though I ran away for years, God always gets it right. The more I learn to trust the more I am used for his glory and, I pray, others feel in some way God's spirit moving through me.

Ministry - finally, acceptance

Sunday was the first time, since beginning probation, that I've been leading worship where The Boss wasn't around - either sitting up front or in the pews. Had to be when it was readings and carols, so most of my role was making sure things went smoothly, which wasn't that onerous in this congregation.

Though sharing the service with members of the congregation (who were reading the lessons) and the parish assistant, I was very much seen by the congregation as being 'in charge' (oh, if only they knew...) and being 'the minister' in The Boss' absence. And for once, maybe really for the first time, that didn't daunt or terrify me at all. I seem to have 'finally' got, in a deep and real way that I am a minister (let's not get too pedantic about not technically being one until ordained, I'm looking inwards towards my calling and outwards towards how others perceive me).

This feeling, this sense of acceptance in a 'new' way is really hard to explain and I wonder if I am alone in the feeling that somehow, all along, I was going to be 'found out'? I doubt it, but few would want to admit it (or maybe even realise it wasn't truly there).

I do know having a mirror put up to me, by my support group and supervisor, combined with the total immersion in the life and work of Airside for 6 months has allowed this part of my formation (oh, I do hate using that phrase!) take place. I know an unwillingness to fully embrace who I am was out of fear I would lose who I am, if that makes sense at all? God calls me to be a minister, so gifts me with the skills and talents to be a minister, therefore I become a minister, I am a minister, in following and responding to that call. (Ooo, this is a bit deep, isn't it?).

I don't think this process will be complete, ever. Though a minister, I still want to be Mrs G - I am Mrs G and the 2 are inseparable, but there will be times where people will only see 'the minister', no matter what I do. And with that comes certain expectations, some right, some wrong. Sorting out which are which, and which is right for my calling will be an interesting challenge. And sometimes busting people's ideas of what a minister is like is no bad thing. God called someone like me, after all.

In a slightly bizarre twist, I find I am trying to be a better, more circumspect, more listening, more reflective, more compassionate person as I try to live up (or grow up?) to where God is leading me. I suppose it's a bit like getting fit for cycling. A couple of miles is hard graft when you've not cycled for years, with the need to get off the bike and push for any hill. With perseverance and determination, cycling trips become longer and easier, the hills taken with pleasure, rather than pain. All because there was the willingness to keep trying, to keep going, and to enjoy the hurl down the other side of the hill, with minimal effort (or nailing it in the hope I'll get up to 40mph - yes, this has happened!).

I can't believe how far I've travelled these last 6 months (or is it 6 years?). It's been fun, challenging, difficult at times, but mainly fun. That's how I know this is my calling, because I believe everyone has one and, the way we know is that we enjoy it, deeply and fully, even in the hard and difficult times, because it is what the deepest parts of our souls' know is the right thing for us to be doing. Ministry is it for me.

Next week, I have my interim review. I pray it goes well and God is with those present (especially me!). Then bring on 2015 and all the excitement and risks and challenges it will bring.

Just get on with it

On Sunday, I woke up with a throat so sore, it felt as though I had swallowed a packet of razor blades. Thankfully, I still had a voice (especially once lubricated with about half a gallon of tea) and, due to the nativity play being staged during worship, I wasn't speaking that much.

By the time I went to bed on Sunday, I knew a cold was brewing (I know, not unusual at this time of year, but bear with me, there's a point, honest!). Monday was a morning of a bit of prep for the coming couple of weeks. I had planned on fitting in a couple of pastoral visits, but decided it wouldn't be that pastorally sensitive taking my virus out to those who are vulnerable (oh, they were okay, until Mrs Gerbil visited, now they have pneumonia). By lunchtime, I could feel I was getting a bit worse for wear, as I was putting extra layers on. I don't feel the cold. This was not a good sign.

But I had to head out in the afternoon. I was leading the Advent study and, with The Boss being unavailable, it was up to me. It did go well, but I could have done without it.

Then, yesterday, there was the funeral I was taking. Okay, had push come to shove, I could have contacted the pastoral assistant attached to Airside, to see if they could step in, but didn't want to do that. Firstly, due to distance, I hadn't actually met the lead mourners before the event, only been in contact via phone and email. At least I knew the voice, but that was it. But more importantly, I had a pastoral responsibility to conduct the funeral - to those I had met, to those I had spoken to and to the funeral director.

Fortunately, I managed to carry out my duties. I don't think the mourners or my fellow professionals realised I wasn't well, which is good, as I would hate to think they were more concerned about me than being given the opportunity to mourn their loved one. It's amazing what a packet of cough sweets and 2 aspirins before a service can do!!!

But today, I'm missing a couple of school assemblies. Yes, I've a lot better, but don't think it would be a good start to children's (or teachers') holidays them getting my cold. It would have been nice to go and support the nativities, but certainly not a priority.

Which gets into the territory of what is a priority? And, me being very much aware in a parish, 'on my own', I may well just have to get on with stuff, irrespective of how I am feeling (within reason, I know there may be times where that isn't an option). But where's the line (and is there a line?) and what is and isn't a priority. I suspect that will change and evolve as I go on. It's also highlighted, for me, the necessity of having some people within a congregation who could step up to take a funeral or lead worship. And, of course, maintaining good relationships with neighbouring colleagues, as they may have to be called upon to step in, if necessary (and they are available).

So, felling rotten? Might just have to get on with it.

I am the sort of person who becomes a minister

The road to ministry has been a long one, for me. It was back in 2008 I (finally) attended an enquirers' conference (now known as a vocations' conference). But my call to ministry, or the seeds of that call, were first sown when I was in my early teens. So, if I start the journey there, it is over 25 years - well, you don't want to rush these things, do you???

When I was getting to that stage in life (17 years old), when I was trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life, the call began to be a plant, rather than just seeds. I prayed; I thought long and hard about it. Looking back, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had accepted my call then, but I also look at the things (good and bad) I have experienced and see how much I have already been able to use in my ministry.

Being someone who had a strong church connection, and a school friend whose Dad was a minister, I decided to confide in my friend and their Dad. Their reaction - my friend laughed and her Dad told me "People like you don't become ministers." Being somewhat naive and respecting that man's opinion (at that time), I realised I was wrong about my calling.

Now, you may be wondering why that minister said what he did. I didn't challenge it back then, but I suspect it was because I was brought up by a single parent; wasn't "righteous"; I came from one of the less attractive areas of my home town; hadn't become a member of the church by that stage (that come when I was 21, when I was right for me, rather than the 'natural progression at 15/16 from Sunday School.); am a bit of an introvert, and basically am not your 'normal' ministry fodder. Okay, this is all speculation, but it did mean I ignored and fought my call more than I may otherwise have, all due to one person's comment.

But here I am. With 2 degrees (still wondering how that happened), more than 5 months through probation in my journey to become a minister. Actually, no, I am a minister. I may not be an ordained minister, but I am a minister. I believe it, Airside Kirk congregation relate to me as their assistant minister and God calls me as a minister.

So, perhaps people like me don't (usually or normally) become ministers, but God doesn't look at what's normal or usual. He often calls the unlikely and the outsider. And I, in many ways, am one. But he still calls. And I am glad I now am a minister, even if it took me a while and I am not the most likely candidate.

It looks like my school friend's Dad was wrong. I am the sort of person who becomes a minister.

100% Mrs Gerbil

Airside Kirk really is the best placement I have been on. The others were, in their own ways, places where I learnt and grew. In some cases, it is only with the benefit of hindsight (and a bit of distance) that I can now see how they have moulded, challenged and encouraged me. But, for each one before now, I was going where I didn't want to go (well, Highland Cathedral may be an exception, but I was only there for a short period of time, compared to Airside).

I was persuaded to go to Eagleside, but had somewhere else in mind. And Caledonia Kirk - I deliberately chose because it was so different from any church I have experienced - in worship and leadership style and theologically. The bottom line with those two placements, in particular, is I never fitted in. And that was inevitable, but a strain too. I never really could be who I am and, I suppose, that meant I never truly embraced that I am called to be a minister. Yes, I knew I had been accepted to train, I was training, but maybe I wasn't fully there. Partly, I have had the feeling I am going to be 'found out' at any point and the powers that be will realise they've made a terrible mistake.

But, over 5 months at Airside, I have truly accepted where I am heading. I am getting used to being looked to for as a source of advice, teaching, listening ear, etc etc. I am accepting when I stand at the front of the congregation, they want to listen to me (yes, I know, to me).

This 'transformation' is partly due to being immersed in congregational and parish life, being on this 15 month full-time journey. It is partly due to a great congregation, who I have fitted in so well with. Mainly, though, it is working with a brilliant supervisor who, in the way she is as a minister, has given me the permission to be the minister I am called to be. And I am so aware just how lucky I am to be serving my probation under her guidance.

I know I have commented, in the past, that I have tried to emulate Laura, but I don't anymore, as I am who I am. I cannot be someone else. A few years ago, in this post, I talked of my first minister and how I would want to be a portion of the minister he is. The other day, a respected and senior minister in the Kirk told me if I became half the minister Laura is, I would do very well. But now I don't want to be 50% her or 10% him. I am called to be 100% Mrs Gerbil. Nothing more, nothing less. That is who God calls me to be and that is how I should follow.