Uni has started, as has my placement. I should be thrilled, and I am to a certain extent, but I can't get past the feeling of being a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.
There's so much to do at uni. So much to learn and read and understand and ponder. All the while thinking to myself "How can I apply this in ministry?". I also can't help but think I'm maybe starting to work too hard already. But maybe hard work now will pay dividends later on.
I know much of the hard work is a slight state of paranoia. When I was at uni the first time, I didn't put in much work and got by, but sometimes only just. I don't want to make a repeat of that. I am also aware I have other things going on this time, in the way of placements. Last time, I only had uni as my "work". I'm sure it'll all be fine, I just need to get myself into some sort of routine. Then, I don't want to become some sort of swot work-no-play kind of gall either.
I'm also wondering what my fellow students, particularly my ministry colleagues, think of me. Do they look and think "they chose her"? Or maybe I'm just thinking that as I sometimes wonder that myself. I'm shy (hard to believe sometimes) and not as sure of myself sometimes as my persona may suggest. But I don't like to go with convention and follow the crowd. Never have done and never will. Yes, that can exclude me, but it's part of who I am. And if there's an awkward way to do something, it's guaranteed I'll do it.
Oh, my fellow students I've spoken to are all lovely (mature and not mature). I'm already loving the history stuff, but I love history especially as the church has had a big role in the history of the world for most of the last 1600 years or so, whether we like it or not. I'm even beginning to understand what the theology lecturer is on about and, believe me, that is no mean feat!
The scary thing is, despite the self-doubt and concern what others may think of me, I don't want to be doing anything else as this is exactly what I should be doing!
*grin*
ReplyDeleteAs the nerdy history postgrad - I applaud your loving of history. What excellent taste :)
I rather suspect, in the initial stages of all this training/degree/placement stuff [actually, perhaps all through, but I'm trying to be affirming and encouraging here!!!] everybody is pretty much wondering the same thing:
'How on earth did I get here?'
'Good grief, I bet my peers are all looking at me and saying the same thing!'
...
'Hmmm, how on earth did 'that' person get in?'
This lot all gets tempered a wee while later with:
'Ha, wot a motley lot we are!'
'These guys are fab.- weird, but fab.'
'This is driving me nuts/ am loving it/ I'm shattered/ I really couldn't care less about chiastic structure in the Hebrew Bible - I just want to sleep'
Fasten your seat-belt, enjoy the ride, prepare to be amazed :)
Cheers Nik. You're probably right, though it'll be interesting to see how long it takes for anyone to blink and actually admit they are having all these issues. No one wants to be first, do they?
ReplyDeleteHistory is fabby. Only reason I didn't do more at school was it clashed with geography and I love that. Geography and history, now that would be a combo for me!!!
Wot Nik said! (apart from the history bit - systematics all the way!!)
ReplyDeleteAnd there will be more 'opening up' as you get to know each other and build relationships. Nobody has anything to prove - it's not a competition.
I worked my backside off in first year because I had no idea how well I'd do. Straight mid-Bs by the end. Didn't work half as hard in 2nd year. Straight mid-Bs. But then I didn't have placements to juggle until 4th year + postgrad. The point is you'll find a sustainable level soon(ish).