Work, work and work

I feel it's been a long time since I've written, but looking back I haven't this month. In my list of priorities at the moment, this is not high. I do miss the brain dump, though, as I find I do some of my best reflecting when I have to process it in writing.

So, what have I been up to? Well, mainly focusing on the dissertation, the first (and main) chapter of which I have committed to give to my dissertation supervisor on Friday. I'm really enjoying the write up and, in the main, it's coming on well and sort of writing itself. I thought I may not have done enough research, but looks like all the reading and examining of my primary evidence (the buildings themselves) is paying dividends.

The pastoral work I am doing at the Big Kirk is going well and my supervisor there is very pleased with it. It has been a mutually beneficial time, as I have gained a lot more experience, had a very supportive, sympathetic supervisor, and I have taken a bit of the work-load from her. In many ways it's a shame I hadn't thought to go there for probation, but I have no regrets and would not have had this opportunity.

Quarry Kirk. Well, it took me a while to work out if they actually liked me. Being dour Fifers, like myself, they are not necessarily the most expressive bunch! But they are warm and friendly once you get to know them. When they were told a couple of weeks ago my last Sunday is to be Easter Sunday they were genuinely sad, even when that's 3 months off.

And that's about it. Study and church work seem to be all I am doing at the moment. But Innovative Learning Week beckons, which I will be treating as a bit of a rest from study. There are no classes and, unlike almost every other ministry candidate at New College, I have chosen not to go to the Holy Land. Bliss. I know I need it, which is why I've been doing the 'big push' in terms of my uni work so I can have the week clear.

The end is nigh. Just wondering what path I will go down at the next crossroads in this ministry training path.

Being disciplined

I've just spent most of today reading up on early modern Scottish church discipline. More fascinating than you'd think (or, perhaps, that says something about my head). I'm trying to get ahead of the game with course work, where I can, to free myself up to concentrate on my dissertation.

Looking at how much I could do, in terms of reading and further research, for all my coursework, I could spend almost every waking hour studying. It's not that I don't enjoy it, but there's a whole world out there. Besides, in 20 years time, will the grades I receive now matter? No! But what I have learnt will.

Besides, in addition to study, I have to fit in pulpit supply most Sundays till Easter, some pastoral visits for the Big Kirk and (occasionally) seeing other people! Or, reappearing from my study to do things other than make pints of tea.

And the only way I can manage to do all this is by being very disciplined on myself (like how I did that). Setting 'office hours,' where I do uni work, with the other stuff happening at evenings, breaks and weekends. Well, maybe not all weekend, I still need a day off and I am also disciplined about that too.

Another year over

Yes, that many sound like a strange title in mid-June, but I am referring to academic year. Though my exams finished a few weeks ago now, I don't see the academic year as fully finished until the exam results are out. Are they are.

Well, I've passed everything - so no concerns about re-sits now! And all the results which 'matter' for my degree classification are on the 2:1 category. Quite how that happened, especially with one course on particular I took, which I really didn't get my head round, I will never know.

Please, but know it's down to hard work. I'm also pleased my 'best' result was in the subject I enjoyed the most.

So, now to get round to choosing what I am doing last year...

It's all about people, stupid!

So, 2 exams down, 2 to go. I know I answered the questions which were set in one of them - I may have answered the questions I wanted set in the other!

But, I realise (and this isn't a new or earth-shattering realisation) the results don't matter too much. Yes, I need to pass, as I need to pass the exams to get the degree I need to be a minister. But beyond that, the results don't matter.

I suppose it helps that I know I've not academic, so don't have ambitions of getting a first. I'd be happy with a Desmond (2:2, get it?!), as that's what I already have. I also think it helps I have a bit of mileage under my belt, so know there are many, many things which are more important than exams.

Even heading into an exam, I go all pastorally sensitive. trying to be supportive of fellow students who are nervous, concerned or have had real life to deal with. And that's what's important. People. Not marks, not results, but people and how I engage with them, trying, as flawed as I am to show a bit of love.

Half way there

Today I sat my last exam this semester. I think it went reasonably well, though am relieved its all over - a reasonable number of my peers have exams on Thursday, with most of them having 2 in one day!

So, that's (subject to results) me half way through completing my degree. That's a pretty frightening thought, as I really can't believe how quickly the time has flown in. Yet, in some ways it feels like I've been at uni for a lot more than 3 semesters.

(It's also a really sad thought that, rather than head for the pub after the exam, it was a filled baguette and a pot of tea - how rock 'n roll is that?)

Into routine

It's week 3 (how did that come around so quickly) back at uni. It's great to see fellow students I haven't really had a chance to over the summer and get to know some new ones. That sounded a little more sinister than I intended!

Over the summer, at Highland Cathedral, I had got used to having a routine of sorts, but it was one which was dictated by me. Many things I was expected to (and wanted to do, just wanted to make that clear) were not time fixed, so it allowed me to manage my own time, which I really actually enjoyed. So, while it's good to be in some sort of routine, I don't think I like the routine which gives me very little flexibility and is dictated by others.

I'm also a little overwhelmed by the amount of reading I need to do. I like reading, which is just as well, but there's a lot and some needs to be read 3 or 4 times and, even then, it still doesn't make sense! Oh, the joys. I know it's good preparation, but I find it a scary thought that I am doing honours subjects, the result of which will dictate my over all degree award (as someone who already has a Desmond, I'm not too concerned about my award, but want to the best I can).

And then I have to fit in placement too. It all be fine and worth it in the end. I managed first year, so I should manage this year too.

Where did the time go?

I've now finished my exams. I can't believe that's first year at uni almost over and a third of my degree complete (working on the assumption I've passed!). Just can't believe how quickly the time has gone in and how much I've learnt since September (though how much I will remember an other story...).

I know I am no academic and this year has re-affirmed this. It's not I'm thick, but academia isn't me. Thankfully I'm holding my own and doing okay. It's great to be learning and stretching my brain. It's funny, but I had said for a long time I'd like to got back to uni again...any do some history as I'd never taken that past second year at school, even though I'd liked and enjoyed it, but it clashed with my first love of the social sciences - geography, especially as geography the way I was taught was physical geography.

I'm definitely seeing the interconnection in most we are taught. It's amazing how it all interweaves. I'm also seeing history seems to be my strongish point and I hope ti develop this (I know of someone will approve!).

I've been making choices for next year. There's things I have to do and things which are of interest, but which will have to wait to the following year as they clash with the have to do, but the timetable looks a bit more (dare I say this?) interesting than this year. I know this year will stand me in good stead as a very good grounding for the nest two years of study (and beyond), but some of the subjects were more...stimulating than others, shall we say. Hope my choices are okay'd, though I have an idea what to change to if I need to.

Now I'm getting my head in gear for starting my summer placement in just under 2 weeks. It's full-time and I'll be away from home, so there's the challenges and pressures of that too. I'm really looking forward to it, as I know I am ready to take the next step in my journey with God.

Please help me pass!

Today was the start of my exams. This morning was spent going over my revision. Initially there was the panic as I looked and thought I can't remember this, but as I went through it, it all came back to me and I became more happy I did actually have a clue. I know I've put in the work, but it's letting the examiner know I have that's the problem.

Before the exam I prayed "God, you called me to ministry. I need to get a degree to do this, so help me pass my exams. Thank you". I hope he was listening (I know he always does, but the answers aren't always the ones I want, though always what I need).

Sitting down for the exam was weird. I never thought I'd be back doing this. But I looked at the paper and saw questions that I not only understood, but knew I could answer reasonably well. And I think I have. Whatever happens, I'd be very surprised if I fail and everything else is a bonus.

Need to do some more study before the next exam.

Challenge? What Challenge?

I've been feeling a bit over-whelmed and challenged with uni and placement stuff and have mentioned this to friends and colleagues. Their response has been a combination of "isn't it supposed to be challenging", "I get the impression you're not enjoying this placement" and "what is making it so challenging?".

And there's the rub. I don't know. I can't specifically put my finger on one or two things and say "It's X and Y". But maybe I'm not doing it right. Maybe I should be looking at what I find helps me grow and develop my ministry skills. There's a lot I can and will learn at Eagleside, from both my supervisor and the congregation. There's a lot to take in at uni, but the more I learn the more I realise how intertwined everything is and how helpful it will be at some point in my training and/or future ministry.

So, are these challenging thing? I'm beginning to think they aren't. I think I was struggling to get the balance right, get a decent routine and generally get used to me new role. Things are settling down (probably fatal last words!) and I feel much more open to and prepared for the learning opportunities which are coming my way.

We've got Jesus

One of the courses I am taking is theology (mmmh, wonder why I might have to study that...). We've just had a change of lecturer and it's great. We've got Jesus now. And they are a fabby lecturer - we're all understanding it now, though it is a slightly different area that's being looked at (I think; I hope!).

An analogy they used yesterday was Jesus galloping along on his horse and rescuing humanity. And what entered my head? This:

Which did leave the song in my head for the rest of the day. More worryingly, though, was I knew it was Christmas number 1 in 1968 off the top of my head!

Remembering how I used to speak

Something which concerns me with all this learning is, after 3 years of academia, I can no longer speak "normal" (those who know me would question if that is a skill I currently have!).

As I learn more about who, for whom, where and why the bible was written, how Christianity spread and  theology I'm moving away from the known into the unknown, in terms of my own learning. I am also moving away from the assumptions I may have made about bible passages or differing theologies to mine, which were based in ignorance. More so, and this is the concern in terms of hands-on ministry, is I am moving away from what the person in the pews knows.

Now, that's not a bad thing. As a minister, I will be the teaching elder and I can't do that if I don't know what I am talking about. But, what if I make assumptions on the congregations knowledge and patronise them or forget what I didn't know before I entered academia and neglect to paint the picture, as it's become too obvious for me and I've forgotten they won't know that.

Mmmh, need to try to remember what I don't know now and bare that in mind throughout this process and into the future. I suppose that's where the training comes into play. Learn from the supervisors and congregations I will be placed with. Listen to criticism, good and bad, and used that to grow and communicate effectively.

That's it. Effective communication. I need to ensure, all through training and (God willing) a parish I do that. I try to modify my style to the audience, for want of a better word, and find a way which fits with who they and I am.

A wee bit overwhelmed

Uni has started, as has my placement. I should be thrilled, and I am to a certain extent, but I can't get past the feeling of being a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.

There's so much to do at uni. So much to learn and read and understand and ponder. All the while thinking to myself "How can I apply this in ministry?". I also can't help but think I'm maybe starting to work too hard already. But maybe hard work now will pay dividends later on.

I know much of the hard work is a slight state of paranoia. When I was at uni the first time, I didn't put in much work and got by, but sometimes only just. I don't want to make a repeat of that. I am also aware I have other things going on this time, in the way of placements. Last time, I only had uni as my "work". I'm sure it'll all be fine, I just need to get myself into some sort of routine. Then, I don't want to become some sort of swot work-no-play kind of gall either.

I'm also wondering what my fellow students, particularly my ministry colleagues, think of me. Do they look and think "they chose her"? Or maybe I'm just thinking that as I sometimes wonder that myself. I'm shy (hard to believe sometimes) and not as sure of myself sometimes as my persona may suggest. But I don't like to go with convention and follow the crowd. Never have done and never will. Yes, that can exclude me, but it's part of who I am. And if there's an awkward way to do something, it's guaranteed I'll do it.

Oh, my fellow students I've spoken to are all lovely (mature and not mature). I'm already loving the history stuff, but I love history especially as the church has had a big role in the history of the world for most of the last 1600 years or so, whether we like it or not. I'm even beginning to understand what the theology lecturer is on about and, believe me, that is no mean feat!

The scary thing is, despite the self-doubt and concern what others may think of me, I don't want to be doing anything else as this is exactly what I should be doing!

Applied

I applied for my university place yesterday. Officially the closing date is 15 January, but I wanted it done and dusted in plenty time. I completed most of the online form last week and was just waiting on my referee completing their section. They did so on Tuesday, so I applied.

I’ve applied to Edinburgh and St. Andrews. Edinburgh is definitely my first choice – from what I have heard and read, it has the best reputation. Also I can get a lift in with Spot, as will still be working in Edinburgh. That’ll be a cost saving – one commute cost rather than two. As I have been commuting to Edinburgh for 10 years, I’m already used to it. Taking the bus to St. Andrews, although doable, adds more expense onto Spot’s budget (as sole bread winner) and will make my commutes longer than into Edinburgh. St. Andrews is definitely my fall back position.

I really hope Edinburgh grants me a place. I have worked hard with my distance learning courses to enhance my application. I also now know there are ministry candidates studying at Edinburgh who hadn’t been in formal education for longer than I have been, but they hadn’t had to acquire 40 credits to obtain their place. It would seem rather unfair, under the circumstances, if I wasn’t granted a place. Also, I have been accepted as a ministry candidate. If I had applied last year, I would have been applying speculatively. I hope (and pray) that should also help get a place at Edinburgh.

One thing I am sure of though. I will get a university place for 2011 start. Wherever that may be (Edinburgh – please), I know I will be there as that is where God wants and needs me to be. After all, I will be studying divinity to degree level because it is required of me. That said, I have enjoyed the distance learning courses and I have said for years I would like to go back to uni. I won’t make the same mistakes I did first time round, though they were fun at the time!

I wonder if I should let Prof David Fergusson (principle of New College) know I have applied? I’m sure when I met him in August he mentioned to let him know when I had applied. I suppose there’s no harm and it may even help. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

A little frustrating

Following on from the helpful comments ntkathchat's comments on my defer post, I contacted David Fergusson, the principle of New College at Edinburgh uni. He gave some good advice, which I followed-up, but Edinburgh is full for thew academic year 2010-2011. I even asked about starting as a part-time student and transferring, but again, no joy. Once I've started part-time I have to finish and that could take 8 years!!!

So, I started to have a re-think of which uni to go to. I had already ruled out Glasgow uni, due to the excessive travelling time and expense, but what about St Andrews uni? Looking at the travelling times and cost, it's just about doable. With that in mind, I contacted the admissions person for divinity to see if there are any places left.

Unfortunately, there aren't. Oh well, looks like I'm back to hoping a place comes up through clearing.. Failing that, I'll apply for start in academic year 2011-2012 as soon as applications open.

I'll all work out in the end, even though it is a little frustrating at the moment.

Defer?

Okay, I should have applied for a university place when ministries council recommended I did a few months back. I didn't. I suppose it was a case of not wanting to tempt fate and my personal thing of not wanting to take a place out of circulation for someone else. I know, I know. Highsight is always 20:20!

So, on a practical level, Edinburgh University is the where I'd like to go. I'm already used to commuting to Edinburgh for work and the other universities are just too far away.

I had thought of applying to Glasgow uni. It's my alma mater and I thoroughly loved my time there first time round. But I'd be looking at a 4 hour (minimum) commute per day. I just couldn't do that and do placements etc I need to do.

Edinburgh uni has no places left. So, looks as though I will have to defer my training for a year. On the bright side, that gives a year to build up a savings fund. I'm sure it's all meant.

Or God may have other ideas and "allow" something to crop up. Either way, I'm not worried, though I think I'll need to think what to do for the next 16 months, until I can begin training...