Blessing of ministry

I can't believe it's almost 8 months since I began probation. In many ways, I realise I've come a long way. I've grown confident in the gifts God has given me. Discovered gifts I didn't know I had, or had not had the chance to use. In a strange way, I feel more reliant on God since I began back at the beginning of July than I ever have been, and I feel almost as though the stabilisers are being taken off (if they were even there in the first place!). It's like God's hand's no longer holding onto the saddle, running along beside me and I try not to look back, try not to worry he's not right there, least I fall off.

Yesterday's service was, in many ways, testament to that. I know I can write good prayers, to which people relate, and for which I am regularly surprised at, too. Sermons are better, with more things for people to reflect on; chew on. And it seems my presentation style is more and more relaxed and natural. As I feel comfortable, the congregation listens to what I am saying, engages (I pray) with the message, and is not concerned for me.

This 'change' (oh, we're the Church of Scotland, we don't do change, do we?) is helped by being allowed to be who I am, as called by God. That's not to say I get away with things; not to say I haven't been challenged and stretched and questioned and criticised - far from it. But I have also bee affirmed, encouraged, supported and loved, by The Boss and the congregation. This has made me want to be better at being a minister, as I live up to the high standards to which God calls me.

And here I am, this week, "The Minister". It struck home yesterday when an elder asked how I wanted the bible taken into worship - as I was the boss. It was my call, and they were letting me take that call. What a privilege to have gained their trust and respect - they are a fabby group of people and I am so pleased to be where I am (not sure if I've mentioned that recently!).


With the relationships I'm building up, I realise this is going to be a hard place to leave. It was almost inevitable, being embedded somewhere full-time for 15 months. I knew that intellectually, but it really struck home the other week, as I watched someone who'd worked at Airside for a few years move onto pastures new, and I 'saw' the future. It has also struck home to me on the back of a couple of pastoral visits I've done recently, as I have grown to know and love these people.

As I've grown to know and love them, I see ministry becoming more and more blurred. Perhaps not so much here, but in the future. When am I minister, or friend. When are they talking to Mrs Gerbil, as the minister; Mrs G as Mrs G, who just happens to be the minister; or the minister, who just happens to be Mrs G? Oh, how much easier (though probably much less fun and more boring) ministry would be if it was back and white, not the many shades of grey it is. With the shades of grey, it's harder to divide life from work and work from life. But that's the blessing of ministry, though one I think I'm still to 'work through' properly.