God's spirit moving within me

I'm Scottish Presbyterian, so inevitably, I do not do change. Change, that's an anathema, a heresy, come on, let's all say "It's aye been" in a resounding chorus!!!

But I have been changing, and it's brilliant and a little scary all at the same time. The rawness and roughness are fading - I don't think they will ever disappear, as sometimes that's what gives me the 'breath of fresh air' attitude people commend me for (well, most of the time!). I suppose it's the rawness and roughness which were my barriers or my 'shields' as I was perhaps (what do I mean, perhaps - certainly is more like it!!!) concerned I wasn't cut out for this ministry role, that they had accepted the wrong person, that I was nervous of the labels and attitudes other's placed (and will continue to place) on me.

And now I stand, as me, just me. In the knowledge I am really, really, deep down in my soul, called by God to be a minister in his church. I stand in my brokenness, in my wounded state, with a willingness, a desire, a hope, to use that brokenness and those wounds to bind up other's. I know this sounds very deep, and it is deep. I am more and more amazed at how God is working through me, using me and gifting me in ways I could hardly have imagined even 6 months ago, never mind 6+ years ago when I began this part in my faith journey.

Because I have (finally) started to set aside those things which prevented God working through me, fully working through me (which I hasten to add, I believe is an ongoing process, one which will never be finished), my ministry gifts are further released. My preaching has improved enormously over these past 6 months, especially since the end of November, where something The Boss said was a bit of a light bulb moment. And some of the prayers I am writing, well, I write them, then use them for leading worship and even I am stunned at their content. The other week I included a line which said "may our praise and prayers be like sweet smelling incense, wafting up to heaven to mingle with the angels and saints..." If you wanted evidence of God working through people, you couldn't get more evidence than that - I mentioned this to a probationer friend last week and she looked me straight in the eye and asked "What have you done with Mrs G?" It is a very fair point, but one which shows how this acceptance of God using someone like me has allowed me to be so much more open to the Holy Spirit moving in and through me. (Sorry if this sounds like bragging, it's not my intent, I am just amazed at how God is working through me).

Even my interaction with people has changed. This is more difficult to get a handle on, but I find people are no longer wanting to scrape the surface when I am with them, but we enter a deeper place more readily, even among those who I know well and less so. Again, this can only be through God's presence being with me as I go about life.

One major thing I've notice is at training conferences I am no longer concerned that others have greater bible or theological knowledge than I do (and I mean both of those in the very academic sense). I no longer feel 'inferior', but look to the multitude of gifts we each have and how amazing it is that God called all of us to minister for him, because of our gifting. My gifts are just as valid as everyone else's. I do take a while to get the hint about these things, but I've got there in the end!

The journey continues, but it couldn't be more the right path, for me, if it tried. Of that there is no doubt. It's not that, with this new, deeper, understanding that the journey will suddenly get easier, or that I will be able to ease off the gas, but I feel fit enough to take on the steep climbs and the narrower paths in this knowledge, this amazing knowledge that, even though I ran away for years, God always gets it right. The more I learn to trust the more I am used for his glory and, I pray, others feel in some way God's spirit moving through me.