100% Mrs Gerbil

Airside Kirk really is the best placement I have been on. The others were, in their own ways, places where I learnt and grew. In some cases, it is only with the benefit of hindsight (and a bit of distance) that I can now see how they have moulded, challenged and encouraged me. But, for each one before now, I was going where I didn't want to go (well, Highland Cathedral may be an exception, but I was only there for a short period of time, compared to Airside).

I was persuaded to go to Eagleside, but had somewhere else in mind. And Caledonia Kirk - I deliberately chose because it was so different from any church I have experienced - in worship and leadership style and theologically. The bottom line with those two placements, in particular, is I never fitted in. And that was inevitable, but a strain too. I never really could be who I am and, I suppose, that meant I never truly embraced that I am called to be a minister. Yes, I knew I had been accepted to train, I was training, but maybe I wasn't fully there. Partly, I have had the feeling I am going to be 'found out' at any point and the powers that be will realise they've made a terrible mistake.

But, over 5 months at Airside, I have truly accepted where I am heading. I am getting used to being looked to for as a source of advice, teaching, listening ear, etc etc. I am accepting when I stand at the front of the congregation, they want to listen to me (yes, I know, to me).

This 'transformation' is partly due to being immersed in congregational and parish life, being on this 15 month full-time journey. It is partly due to a great congregation, who I have fitted in so well with. Mainly, though, it is working with a brilliant supervisor who, in the way she is as a minister, has given me the permission to be the minister I am called to be. And I am so aware just how lucky I am to be serving my probation under her guidance.

I know I have commented, in the past, that I have tried to emulate Laura, but I don't anymore, as I am who I am. I cannot be someone else. A few years ago, in this post, I talked of my first minister and how I would want to be a portion of the minister he is. The other day, a respected and senior minister in the Kirk told me if I became half the minister Laura is, I would do very well. But now I don't want to be 50% her or 10% him. I am called to be 100% Mrs Gerbil. Nothing more, nothing less. That is who God calls me to be and that is how I should follow.