Been for a visit

Yesterday was a funny day. I was pulpit supply at my home churches (with the encouragement, consent and concurrence of my placement supervisor - so, really, it was part of my placement). Generally, it went very well (though I did go to start the children's address at the first service before I had lead the congregation in prayer - just shows how the different pattern at Eagleside has entered my mind, even though I don't think there is enough prayer there...). As Spot was also leading the service, he corrected me and it's a forgiving congregation.

While doing my sermon, I was using my notes as a guide, but realised I knew it well enough that I could speak to the congregation. At a recent conference I was asked it I would ever do a sermon in an expository style (why can't they just say without notes...?) and I made an emphatic no.I know that its a two fold objection -

• Firstly, a worry I'll go blank and freeze as I look at all these people looking at me waiting to see what I'll say.
• Secondly, my current placement doesn't give me the best example of this style. I find the sermons too long, with regular tangents which don't really appear to tie into the theme, but are too long to just be asides. This makes me concerned I might do likewise during a sermon, go down a blind alley and not have a way of getting myself out. Then, it'll look to the congregation like I've not prepared well and am just making it up as I go along. I can honestly say this is my greatest fear of this style.

There were no children at the first service, but they still got the children's address as it was necessary for the whole service. Again, this goes back to my thing that the children's address should feed into the service as a whole and, where possible, into the young church (though it didn't this week, but the children at my home church would cope for one week, especially as they have very good teachers and have a great spiritual depth which I have missed). There were a good few children at the second service, with a number of visitors (no, they aren't new to the church in the time I've been away, they were there for a local event). They were all relaxed with me and happy to be there. The interaction was good and they were getting to the point well before me - which is great. The visiting children were also comfortable with me, though I think they also pick up on how other children react as well as their own instinct.

The way the address went was in marked contrast to to Eagleside The feedback I have been receiving there, although picking up on things I have done, was making me feel very down and doubtful of my ability to engage with children. Yesterday reassured me it might be the style I am expected to do children's addresses in at Eagleside just doesn't fit with my style and I need to have the confidence to find my own way in that respect. It's hard doing so, as there is less flexibility there (for a number of reasons, which is as much to do with the layout of the church as the congregation's way of doing things). My concern with this is some people may see this as me not listening to what I am being told and ploughing on regardless. Yet I know I have struggled (and still am struggling with this). Every time I have had feedback on my children's addresses I have felt dejected and very down about them - very much felt it I can't do them well, what else in ministry am I not cut out for. I have had my style thrown in the air and I am still waiting on the pieces to come back down, but those which have returned have mostly fallen back where they were.

Strangely, feedback from yesterday was very good - the address was short, to the point and on a level that the children would understand, without patronising or boring them. That has really lifted me and shown me how much the style I have to employ at Eagleside just doesn't work for me. In terms of my confidence talking to and with children, yesterday definitely gave me a boost in my confidence.

Overall, the services went well. Everything tied together and many people gave good, constructive feedback. It was good to be back, but strange at the same time. They have known me for a long time, but my role has changed and that makes the whole situation a bit weird, especially with several of my former Sunday School teachers in the congregation - they sowed the seeds which have grown to make me who I am now and I shall be eternally grateful to them for that.