Nearly finished

Last night I spent the evening filling in the applicant's report form for the end of the co-ordinated field assessment. I've been at this placement since early July, so the new year will also be an end of it too.

I was surprised how long filling in the form took me - 2.5-3 hours - but I have done and learnt so much during this time with my assessor. I actually feel I could have written more, but it was perhaps getting excessive as it was!

Now, I'll wait and see what my PDI and local assessor's reports say. Hopefully, I don't disagree with then too much, particularly my assessor.

I'm much more aware of where I am, with my call and my self, following this placement. I've also been much more reflective and open to learning than I was at my last placement, though my assessor there didn't make that easy - late or no feedback, irregular meetings etc. That said, I was probably breezing through, not really engaging with the process and he was ill too.

I'm be sad to leave my current placement, but I know I'll have to get used to this if I'm accepted for training. I also know it's going to be stage going back to my home church and just sitting in the pews, though I think I'll make the most of it while I still can!

I may be nearly finished this part of my journey, but God alone knows where the rest of my journey will lead.

Finding the words

At my regular CFA meeting last night, my assessor and I went over my CFA agreement. I'm 4 months into this placement (leaving only 2 months left) and we were going over how I was getting on, what I still needed to do/look at and my feelings about my call.

Most of what we discussed was okay. But, I'm still struggling to find the words to express why I'm called to the ministry of word and sacrament. My assessor asked me to tell her of my vision of my call...I wasn't sure what she meant, and I said so. So she put it another way. How do you see you fulfilling you call?

I hadn't had it put to me like that before, so really struggled. I'm following God and His vision is what I should be perusing. Should I have said that? I did mention after visiting Prospects, I felt very drawn to that and could see myself serving the community I was ministering in through that. Co-incidentally, my assessor had just found out yesterday that the first probationers' conference would include a presentation about prospects. I think every town should have such a group and letting probationers know about it, hopefully, will lead to that becoming a reality.

So, now I have to really find the words to express my call. I know I have them, but I struggle to put then together at the right time, especially when I'm put on the spot. I'm going to get that at my local review and, if I go forward to it, selection conference.

Now, I'll put my trust in God to give me the words and follow His vision for my life.

Trusting God

I've litterally just finished reading "Faith like Potates" - autobiography of Angus Buchan.

What a great book. He's an ordinary farmer with extradinary faith. A faith which called him to plant potates during a forecast drought. A faith which called him to give his farm and life to Jesus in service.

What I really liked about the book is Buchan talks about his torment - the devil talking. His drift away from God and his journey back again. He knows he's not perfect, he's unqualified to preach, he's an ordinary farmer. Yet he has dedicated and risked everything for God to take God's message to everyone. He has endured many hardships, including drought and the accidental death of his nephew. Throughout it all his faith in God and love of Jesus has never waivered.

It's amazing what God will do with lives if we trust Him. I wish I had half the faith Angus Buchan has. That said, reading of this book has come at a good time for me. I have been thinking a lot about the calling I am following. How can I be sure - it is ministry of word and sacrament, it is God's calling, not mine nor others, etc, etc? This book has confirmed what I should have known all along. God has called me and I need to follow His lead. He will give me the words and actions I need to follow His calling if I only trust Him.

At the end of the book there's this prayer:

"Dear Lord Jesus Christ,
I have given my life to you, but I repent right now because I have done very little which is constructive for the kingdom of God. I ask you to forgive me.
From today onwards I am offering myself for full-time service. I acknowledge that the time is short, that the kingdom of God is at hand and the people need to hear the gospel and repent.
There are so few people preaching the good news of Christ, although many are perishing because they have never heard and I want to make a difference. I pray that you will use me in whatever area you are calling me to.
Help me to make a start after I have put down this book. Help me to reach my next-door neighbour, the people down the street and press right in where you lead. And, Lord, if you call me to a foreign country, I pray you will make a way for me and give me the faith and courage to follow it through.
I ask this in Jesus' name.
Amen"
Angus Buchan

I do know God is calling me into full-time service for Him. I do know I want and need to make a difference in God's name. The journey will not be easy, but God will give me no more that I can endure.

With that in mind, tonight I am going with my assessor to met with my presbytery rep to draw up my co-ordinated field assessment agreement. I pray God will guide me through this meeting and my remaining time on my CFA. That I my discern my call fully, and follow Him wherever He leads.