The right direction?

I had my first proper formal meeting with my new local assessor last night. I feel I learnt more in 1½ hours with her about the assessment process - what it means for me and what the church requires from it - than I did during my time with my last supervisor.

She told me why the Church of Scotland has this process for selecting candidates for ministry - because unless the call really is from God and guided in the holy spirit, it can destroy the individual, the church or both. That makes sense. I wish that had been explained to me at my last placement. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been as resentful (looking back that's what I was) of having to go through the process. I need to show change and growth in the placement; to learn my strengths and weaknesses. Through this knowledge I will learn more about myself, my gifts, my call.

She asked me to tell her about my call. How it came and how I felt about it. I explained it was something that I'd been aware of for around 20 years, but it always seemed to come from other people - "you'd make a good minister", "have you ever thought of becoming a minister" etc. I felt that was others opinions. I did other things, but it kept rearing its head. I'd look for other jobs and again others would suggest ministry. I'd feel a voice inside me saying "no, that's not what I want you to do, you know what it is", so to speak. Then, at the National Gathering last year, when the Archbishop of York called people forward I felt I had to go forward and say "here I am God, use me".

It all seemed okay to me, but my assessor challenged me about it. The church has to be sure the call is God's, not mine or those around me. I hadn't really mentioned God during my spiel (I thought that was implicit, but hay, that's part of the learning I need to do during this placement) and there was a word she'd like to hear I didn't use. I can't think what it was - spirit, submit, minister - and she didn't enlighten me, which is fair enough as I need to find my words to express something that is very difficult to put into words.

I like the way she challenged me. It was a "there are the facts, this is what the church needs, this is what you need to do". Not judgemental or critical. Very positive, helpful and supportive. She even emphasised she wasn't detracting from my call - she wasn't saying I am not called, but make sure you are. That's what my time at my placement is for.

So, at the moment, I'm having a period of doubt. It has been over a year since I made my first steps of exploring my call by attending the enquirers' conference. I had felt God's call for several years, but kept ignoring it, suppressing it, running away from it. The spirit moved me to step forward at the National Gathering and commit myself more fully to God, that He may act through me and I can serve Him in the way He has been calling me for so long. But, after last night, and this is by no means a criticism of my assessor, I don't know any more. Why ministry of word and sacrament? Why not youth ministry, or parish assistant, or deacon?

I don't know (well, I do about youth ministry, but as for the rest?). Perhaps, as I said in another post (here) I am at the fork in the road in my travels with God. Now I must discern which path He wants me to take. I also need to tread the very fine line between knowing my calling and being open to a change in direction.
I feel, in this placement, I will be able to really follow God's calling. I pray He gives me the words to express the calling He has given me. The cross I must carry.