This has been a week of first for me. I have now been involved in both a wedding ceremony (other than as the person getting married, before someone interjects) and a funeral. I merely played a very small part in both of these acts of worship, but it was exceptionally humbling to be allowed by the happy couple and the bereaved to take part.
The wedding wasn't any different from what I would have expected - in fact it was fairly stereotypical, but still the special day for the couple committing to one another. In many ways, I saw my role as another one of the professionals making their wedding happen, from the hotel manager to the photographer. Having said that, as a representative of the church, I could still be seen in a different light by the couple and their guests depending on how I conducted myself. That, in turn, reflected on how they would perceive the church. So, no pressure then!
As I discussed the wedding with my supervisor, he called me on who and where I would marry people. And that sort of got my knickers in a twist. I'm very clear that the church is where the people are. The church buildings which are used as a useful tool for conducting worship and serving a community, but they are not the church. So, by that measure, a hotel can be the church, as the people are gathered in Christ's name. Yet I still slightly have a reluctance towards the idea of marriage in hotels - but is that my own prejudices rather than a decently thought out position? If it's the former, I need to put my own views to one side and think how I could serve I will serve in a parish.
I know I would want to be sure the couple knew they could be married in church if they wished and non-attendance and non-membership would not be a barrier for me marrying them in church. I would hate to think they were getting married in a hotel because they didn't think they would be allowed to be married in church. But, what if there were reasons why they still wanted to be married outwith a church, such as a feeling of hypocrisy (even with my reassurance), practicality of having everything in the same place, keeping costs down etc. Would I still marry them?
Okay, so getting back to the church being the people, that wouldn't be a barrier to me marrying people outwith the church building. So, with that in mind, I suppose I don't have a fundamental objection to marrying people outwith a church building. But I wouldn't want to become the minister people in an area came to to be married as it was perceived I would pretty much marry anyone anywhere. So how to square the circle of being welcoming to all but not making a rod for my back?
Well, the easy way, I suppose, would be to use the parish system to my advantage. So, those I serve in the parish I would marry, those with a direct connection with the church (to get round people who's great-great granny may have once attended) or people where I may have a connection through a chaplaincy. That way at least I would know them in some capacity (okay, so maybe not those in the parish, but why should service for a wedding be different for a funeral of a person in the parish?).
I still need to give this much more thought. I also know I need to have decided what I would do once I enter a parish. It seems so far off, but I know it will come around soon enough. So long as the decision I make is the right one based on what God wants of me and not what is right for me alone.
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Friday, 6 January 2012
For the long aisle
I have been thinking about weddings recently. I have sat in on a wedding rehearsal at Eagleside and a couple of meetings with couples who wanted to get married there.
I don't know why I keep coming back to this, but I have been thinking who I would marry (now there's an opener for you!). I understand, in the Presbyterian tradition, marriage is a blessing, not a sacrament, but does that make it less before God? The couple would be making vows before God and I would be praying on their behalves that God would bless their marriage. With that in mind, surely one of the couple should have some belief?
Now, I'm not bothered about them being a fully paid-up Christian, who comes to church every Sunday without fail. I think if I were to have that sort of attitude, it wouldn't be very Christian. It would also make me a bit of a hypocrite. I wouldn't mind if one half of the couple had a belief and the other was an atheist, but was respecting their intended's wishes and belief (and I would respect them so much more for being honest and up front about that). But I think I would expect some sort of belief, if only in a "higher power" and the need to get married in church because it wouldn't feel right anywhere else, rather than for the long aisle. It just has to be vague, but come from the heart.
And don't pretend you want the church for anything other than the nice garden for the photos and the long aisle (again, for the photos?!). I'd respect your honesty for telling me that, though I may not agree to marry you. I do know a humanist who does a very good wedding, though ;-)
Thing is, I'd want to be welcoming to all who I may minister to, so is attaching conditions doing that? I don't even think I'd expect them to come to church before the big day (or even before confirming the booking), though it would be nice. Definitely something for me to ponder over and figure out. And that's without thinking through re-marriage of divorcees...
I don't know why I keep coming back to this, but I have been thinking who I would marry (now there's an opener for you!). I understand, in the Presbyterian tradition, marriage is a blessing, not a sacrament, but does that make it less before God? The couple would be making vows before God and I would be praying on their behalves that God would bless their marriage. With that in mind, surely one of the couple should have some belief?
Now, I'm not bothered about them being a fully paid-up Christian, who comes to church every Sunday without fail. I think if I were to have that sort of attitude, it wouldn't be very Christian. It would also make me a bit of a hypocrite. I wouldn't mind if one half of the couple had a belief and the other was an atheist, but was respecting their intended's wishes and belief (and I would respect them so much more for being honest and up front about that). But I think I would expect some sort of belief, if only in a "higher power" and the need to get married in church because it wouldn't feel right anywhere else, rather than for the long aisle. It just has to be vague, but come from the heart.
And don't pretend you want the church for anything other than the nice garden for the photos and the long aisle (again, for the photos?!). I'd respect your honesty for telling me that, though I may not agree to marry you. I do know a humanist who does a very good wedding, though ;-)
Thing is, I'd want to be welcoming to all who I may minister to, so is attaching conditions doing that? I don't even think I'd expect them to come to church before the big day (or even before confirming the booking), though it would be nice. Definitely something for me to ponder over and figure out. And that's without thinking through re-marriage of divorcees...
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Weddings
There's a wedding at Eagleside this weekend and I observed the rehearsal the other day. It wasn't exactly what I expected and I have been to a couple. What I was expecting was the basic walking through of the process, where people would stand/sit, quick run-through of the vows and a practice of the readings (if appropriate).
What I didn't expect was my supervisor to sermonise over the vows and married life. FOR 45 MINUTES.
He explained the vows and then gave his opinion on what they meant. Now, maybe it's just me, but I would have thought this is something he would have discussed and gone over with the couple before now. I didn't feel the rehearsal was the right time and place for it. Secondly, some of the explanation was necessary and I didn't disagree with, until my supervisor began very much giving his opinion on marriage and how it should be run. Not only did I feel this was an inappropriate time for that, it seemed his opinion and how it works for him and his wife. Also, much of what he said felt like a personal slight on my marriage, even though the sermon was not aimed at me.
Take his opinion on arguments. He thinks couples should argue and "finds it disturbing to learn of married couples who never argue". Well, spot and I don't. If there's something we need to talk about we do. Like mature grown-ups (hard to believe, I know). That's not arguing. It's talking. For me, there is a huge difference.
Then his opinion on telling your other half that you love them. As far as he was concerned, it should be used sparingly as he thought couples who did that a lot only did it to cover-up insecurities. Me thinks someone may be projecting their own opinions on others. Again, he won't like the fact spot and I do tell each other that regularly. It's not a replacement for showing we love each other, but part of it. I do think others see our love for each other without us being all gushy.
We had a chat after the rehearsal and I tried to get to the bottom of why much of what he said hadn't been covered before. And I didn't get to the bottom of it. He just went onto discuss how he used to run pre-marriage classes, but few people turned up and the rehearsal became the time to go over that. Knowing from others he can do that to see candidate's reactions, I'll need to try to get to the bottom of that eventually.
As for the argument and love thing, I was just a wee bit too angry to even begin to bring that up. I know I needed to leave that to one side and discuss it more fully at a later date. I need to get to the bottom of that one too, but that will be for another time. I know if I'd investigated that at the time I would have just projected my annoyance at the slight on my marriage rather than discuss the rational behind his advice. That would not have been especially constructive for anyone and would have made me look like a bit of an idiot.
So, what did I learn? To think before I discuss some matters. A bit of time and reflection gives a bit of prescriptive. To ensure the couple understand the vows before the wedding (and even have a choice). To try not to project my way of being married onto others; what works for spot and I may not work for others. To remember I am there to walk with others through good and bad. I am not a councillor and that is a different role which I am not trained for, but know where people could get counselling if necessary.
That's not too bad to start with!
What I didn't expect was my supervisor to sermonise over the vows and married life. FOR 45 MINUTES.
He explained the vows and then gave his opinion on what they meant. Now, maybe it's just me, but I would have thought this is something he would have discussed and gone over with the couple before now. I didn't feel the rehearsal was the right time and place for it. Secondly, some of the explanation was necessary and I didn't disagree with, until my supervisor began very much giving his opinion on marriage and how it should be run. Not only did I feel this was an inappropriate time for that, it seemed his opinion and how it works for him and his wife. Also, much of what he said felt like a personal slight on my marriage, even though the sermon was not aimed at me.
Take his opinion on arguments. He thinks couples should argue and "finds it disturbing to learn of married couples who never argue". Well, spot and I don't. If there's something we need to talk about we do. Like mature grown-ups (hard to believe, I know). That's not arguing. It's talking. For me, there is a huge difference.
Then his opinion on telling your other half that you love them. As far as he was concerned, it should be used sparingly as he thought couples who did that a lot only did it to cover-up insecurities. Me thinks someone may be projecting their own opinions on others. Again, he won't like the fact spot and I do tell each other that regularly. It's not a replacement for showing we love each other, but part of it. I do think others see our love for each other without us being all gushy.
We had a chat after the rehearsal and I tried to get to the bottom of why much of what he said hadn't been covered before. And I didn't get to the bottom of it. He just went onto discuss how he used to run pre-marriage classes, but few people turned up and the rehearsal became the time to go over that. Knowing from others he can do that to see candidate's reactions, I'll need to try to get to the bottom of that eventually.
As for the argument and love thing, I was just a wee bit too angry to even begin to bring that up. I know I needed to leave that to one side and discuss it more fully at a later date. I need to get to the bottom of that one too, but that will be for another time. I know if I'd investigated that at the time I would have just projected my annoyance at the slight on my marriage rather than discuss the rational behind his advice. That would not have been especially constructive for anyone and would have made me look like a bit of an idiot.
So, what did I learn? To think before I discuss some matters. A bit of time and reflection gives a bit of prescriptive. To ensure the couple understand the vows before the wedding (and even have a choice). To try not to project my way of being married onto others; what works for spot and I may not work for others. To remember I am there to walk with others through good and bad. I am not a councillor and that is a different role which I am not trained for, but know where people could get counselling if necessary.
That's not too bad to start with!
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Updates
A lot's been happening over the last couple of weeks and I've not really had a chance to write about them.
On the Sunday immediately following my last meeting with my local assessor, I led the prayers of intersession and dedication. Once I'd written my drafts I forwarded copies to my assessor for her feedback - this is something she encourages from her worship groups. She gave me a little bit of a pointer on my intersession prayer, as it didn't fully tie into the theme of the service. Not too much advice, but enough that I know I was coming from the right direction.
The prayers seemed to go well. My delivery was okay - I both felt that and my assessor and some of the congregation also commented on this. After the service my assessor thanked me of my contribution to the service. This is something she always does and it makes me feel appreciated and acknowledged. I also know if things hadn't gone well she would let me know, in order that I would learn from my mistakes. All in all, very positive.
Last Friday, there was a games night at my placement church. I didn't really know what this would involve, but I went along partly out of morbid curiosity and partly to reassure myself I do get on with a range of people in different circumstances. My last local assessor stated he had seen no evidence for this and that had worried me and since I read that I have possibly been overanalysing every encounter. Not great for my self esteem!
The night was a good laugh and great bit of fellowship. About 25-30 people were there during the course of the evening, ranging in age from 3 - 80s. Many different board games were played. It didn’t matter what age you were everyone mixed and interacted in a loving and kindly manner.
Over last weekend I wasn't expected at my placement church, as I had a busy weekend. My assessor was perfectly okay with this and emphasised there was no obligation for me to attend every Sunday. That said, I still wanted to attend worship at my placement church, as I could observe their worship and be part of their fellowship. I find when things are most hectic that's when I need worship and fellowship the most.
Always over last weekend I was at one of my closest friend's hen nights (just a meal with the girls). Her wedding rehearsal was on the Sunday afternoon. I attended that as she'd asked me to do one of the readings and my hubbie and I were official photographers and we wanted to recce the church and discuss with the priest what photos would be appropriate during the ceremony.
The wedding itself (on Monday) was a really good, if tiring day. My hubbie took me to the bride's house so I could take getting ready photos. He then headed to the venue to get shorts of some of the guests turning up and the groom with his best man etc.
We were on our feet most of the day and it was really intensive (it was my first "official" wedding and my last!). That said, I did enjoy the photography pat of the day and, as I don't like getting my photo taken, I find carrying a decent SLR with big lens around stops people wanting to take me picture. Besides, if we hadn't done the photos I have no idea what we would have got the couple as wedding gifts!
Again, the wedding showed me I do get on with a mix of people. Although I've known the groom for a few years now, I hadn't met his close friends or family (he's from Englandhshire!). My hubbie and I share a table at dinner with one of the ushers and his family - we chatted throughout the meal in a relaxed informal matter. I was on my own for a bit of the meal as my hubbie was doing fill in pictures and backing up the memory cards onto our netbook, just in case.
So I need to put behind me the comments my last supervisor made about my communication skills. His assessment of that was based on one meeting where I erred. I have arranged over the coming weeks with my new assessor to be at small groups. I know this isn't the be all and end all and I think my assessor may be a little concerned I am concentrating on this too much. I just need to prove to myself the way I reacted was not the norm. That I have learned from my mistakes and have grown as a result of them. We only learn from what we do wrong not what we do right. That's my experience anyway.
The things I need to find out are:
When my assessor asks how I am what's wrong with me saying "fine"? That's my stock phrase, especially being an uptight east coaster. My assessor at my meeting last night said she wants to see my eyes smiling when I say that. I was really tired last night. Yes I could have told her that, but she's got enough to deal with.
When my assessor asks "is there anything you'd like to ask", what do I say? When ever I'm put on the spot like that I tend to go blank. Should I take a least 1 question written down about things that have occurred to me since our last meeting, no matter how trivial it is?
How will my assessor see the growth in me?
I'm sure these questions will be answered over time and added to. God will guide me through the Holy Spirit as I know He will give me what I ask for in his name.
On the Sunday immediately following my last meeting with my local assessor, I led the prayers of intersession and dedication. Once I'd written my drafts I forwarded copies to my assessor for her feedback - this is something she encourages from her worship groups. She gave me a little bit of a pointer on my intersession prayer, as it didn't fully tie into the theme of the service. Not too much advice, but enough that I know I was coming from the right direction.
The prayers seemed to go well. My delivery was okay - I both felt that and my assessor and some of the congregation also commented on this. After the service my assessor thanked me of my contribution to the service. This is something she always does and it makes me feel appreciated and acknowledged. I also know if things hadn't gone well she would let me know, in order that I would learn from my mistakes. All in all, very positive.
Last Friday, there was a games night at my placement church. I didn't really know what this would involve, but I went along partly out of morbid curiosity and partly to reassure myself I do get on with a range of people in different circumstances. My last local assessor stated he had seen no evidence for this and that had worried me and since I read that I have possibly been overanalysing every encounter. Not great for my self esteem!
The night was a good laugh and great bit of fellowship. About 25-30 people were there during the course of the evening, ranging in age from 3 - 80s. Many different board games were played. It didn’t matter what age you were everyone mixed and interacted in a loving and kindly manner.
Over last weekend I wasn't expected at my placement church, as I had a busy weekend. My assessor was perfectly okay with this and emphasised there was no obligation for me to attend every Sunday. That said, I still wanted to attend worship at my placement church, as I could observe their worship and be part of their fellowship. I find when things are most hectic that's when I need worship and fellowship the most.
Always over last weekend I was at one of my closest friend's hen nights (just a meal with the girls). Her wedding rehearsal was on the Sunday afternoon. I attended that as she'd asked me to do one of the readings and my hubbie and I were official photographers and we wanted to recce the church and discuss with the priest what photos would be appropriate during the ceremony.
The wedding itself (on Monday) was a really good, if tiring day. My hubbie took me to the bride's house so I could take getting ready photos. He then headed to the venue to get shorts of some of the guests turning up and the groom with his best man etc.
We were on our feet most of the day and it was really intensive (it was my first "official" wedding and my last!). That said, I did enjoy the photography pat of the day and, as I don't like getting my photo taken, I find carrying a decent SLR with big lens around stops people wanting to take me picture. Besides, if we hadn't done the photos I have no idea what we would have got the couple as wedding gifts!
Again, the wedding showed me I do get on with a mix of people. Although I've known the groom for a few years now, I hadn't met his close friends or family (he's from Englandhshire!). My hubbie and I share a table at dinner with one of the ushers and his family - we chatted throughout the meal in a relaxed informal matter. I was on my own for a bit of the meal as my hubbie was doing fill in pictures and backing up the memory cards onto our netbook, just in case.
So I need to put behind me the comments my last supervisor made about my communication skills. His assessment of that was based on one meeting where I erred. I have arranged over the coming weeks with my new assessor to be at small groups. I know this isn't the be all and end all and I think my assessor may be a little concerned I am concentrating on this too much. I just need to prove to myself the way I reacted was not the norm. That I have learned from my mistakes and have grown as a result of them. We only learn from what we do wrong not what we do right. That's my experience anyway.
The things I need to find out are:
When my assessor asks how I am what's wrong with me saying "fine"? That's my stock phrase, especially being an uptight east coaster. My assessor at my meeting last night said she wants to see my eyes smiling when I say that. I was really tired last night. Yes I could have told her that, but she's got enough to deal with.
When my assessor asks "is there anything you'd like to ask", what do I say? When ever I'm put on the spot like that I tend to go blank. Should I take a least 1 question written down about things that have occurred to me since our last meeting, no matter how trivial it is?
How will my assessor see the growth in me?
I'm sure these questions will be answered over time and added to. God will guide me through the Holy Spirit as I know He will give me what I ask for in his name.
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Getting hitched
This month, I've had the honour of being a guest at two weddings. One was a friend from my home church and the other my sister-in-law.
My church friend was married in church (no real surprises there!). The couple are both committed Christians, so it wasn't just my friend's choice to commit to her husband before God, her friends and family. In fact, knowing them, I'd imagine they wouldn't have really "felt" married if God wasn't part of their marriage commitment. It was a lovely service. My female minister does a very good service and is keen, if the couple wishes, for others to be involved in the service. My friend's sister read the bible lesson and her husband's Gran lead a prayer
My sister-in-law was married by the local registrar. Again, it was actually a nice ceremony, despite the more legal nature. The registrar really seemed to care about what he was saying, not just going though the motions. I was privileged to read a poem they had chosen. For my sister-in-law and her husband, they were committing themselves before their family and friends. In their time as a couple, they have been through a lot, with serious health and job worries, but have come out stronger than they went in.
I do not see either of these marriages being less valid than the other. Both couples have made a public declaration of their love, loyalty and commitment to each other. The type of ceremonies they chose reflected their beliefs.
Yet, I have encountered people who regard registrar (or worse, in their eyes, humanist weddings) as less valid than church weddings. Last Sunday, I was told by the wife of the locum minister (my ministers were on holiday) that my sister-in-law would be divorced within 2 years. I was completely appalled by that observation and obvious deep prejudice. This minister's wife told me my sister-in-law and her husband would not have properly committed to each other. "After all", she said, "a promise is a promise".
I didn't really get that argument. Surely if a promise is a promise, it doesn't matter where the promise was made? I asked her that and she was a little stumped and went on about her getting engaged (good argument, I could tell!!!). I told her about my mother- and father-in-law. They were married in a registry office and, if not for my father-in-law's death 3 years ago, would have been approaching 40 years of married. I think they kept their promise to each other.
Yes, the attitude I came across last week was only 1 woman's attitude, but how often does the church seem to portray that. Perhaps not from "on high", but from the folks on the ground. The people that the majority of the population take their stereotype of the church from. The very attitudes Jesus would have been appalled at and which stops people like my sister-in-law coming to find God.
My church friend was married in church (no real surprises there!). The couple are both committed Christians, so it wasn't just my friend's choice to commit to her husband before God, her friends and family. In fact, knowing them, I'd imagine they wouldn't have really "felt" married if God wasn't part of their marriage commitment. It was a lovely service. My female minister does a very good service and is keen, if the couple wishes, for others to be involved in the service. My friend's sister read the bible lesson and her husband's Gran lead a prayer
My sister-in-law was married by the local registrar. Again, it was actually a nice ceremony, despite the more legal nature. The registrar really seemed to care about what he was saying, not just going though the motions. I was privileged to read a poem they had chosen. For my sister-in-law and her husband, they were committing themselves before their family and friends. In their time as a couple, they have been through a lot, with serious health and job worries, but have come out stronger than they went in.
I do not see either of these marriages being less valid than the other. Both couples have made a public declaration of their love, loyalty and commitment to each other. The type of ceremonies they chose reflected their beliefs.
Yet, I have encountered people who regard registrar (or worse, in their eyes, humanist weddings) as less valid than church weddings. Last Sunday, I was told by the wife of the locum minister (my ministers were on holiday) that my sister-in-law would be divorced within 2 years. I was completely appalled by that observation and obvious deep prejudice. This minister's wife told me my sister-in-law and her husband would not have properly committed to each other. "After all", she said, "a promise is a promise".
I didn't really get that argument. Surely if a promise is a promise, it doesn't matter where the promise was made? I asked her that and she was a little stumped and went on about her getting engaged (good argument, I could tell!!!). I told her about my mother- and father-in-law. They were married in a registry office and, if not for my father-in-law's death 3 years ago, would have been approaching 40 years of married. I think they kept their promise to each other.
Yes, the attitude I came across last week was only 1 woman's attitude, but how often does the church seem to portray that. Perhaps not from "on high", but from the folks on the ground. The people that the majority of the population take their stereotype of the church from. The very attitudes Jesus would have been appalled at and which stops people like my sister-in-law coming to find God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)