Weddings

There's a wedding at Eagleside this weekend and I observed the rehearsal the other day. It wasn't exactly what I expected and I have been to a couple. What I was expecting was the basic walking through of the process, where people would stand/sit, quick run-through of the vows and a practice of the readings (if appropriate).

What I didn't expect was my supervisor to sermonise over the vows and married life. FOR 45 MINUTES.

He explained the vows and then gave his opinion on what they meant. Now, maybe it's just me, but I would have thought this is something he would have discussed and gone over with the couple before now. I didn't feel the rehearsal was the right time and place for it. Secondly, some of the explanation was necessary and I didn't disagree with, until my supervisor began very much giving his opinion on marriage and how it should be run. Not only did I feel this was an inappropriate time for that, it seemed his opinion and how it works for him and his wife. Also, much of what he said felt like a personal slight on my marriage, even though the sermon was not aimed at me.

Take his opinion on arguments. He thinks couples should argue and "finds it disturbing to learn of married couples who never argue". Well, spot and I don't. If there's something we need to talk about we do. Like mature grown-ups (hard to believe, I know). That's not arguing. It's talking. For me, there is a huge difference.

Then his opinion on telling your other half that you love them. As far as he was concerned, it should be used sparingly as he thought couples who did that a lot only did it to cover-up insecurities. Me thinks someone may be projecting their own opinions on others. Again, he won't like the fact spot and I do tell each other that regularly. It's not a replacement for showing we love each other, but part of it. I do think others see our love for each other without us being all gushy.

We had a chat after the rehearsal and I tried to get to the bottom of why much of what he said hadn't been covered before. And I didn't get to the bottom of it. He just went onto discuss how he used to run pre-marriage classes, but few people turned up and the rehearsal became the time to go over that. Knowing from others he can do that to see candidate's reactions, I'll need to try to get to the bottom of that eventually.

As for the argument and love thing, I was just a wee bit too angry to even begin to bring that up. I know I needed to leave that to one side and discuss it more fully at a later date. I need to get to the bottom of that one too, but that will be for another time. I know if I'd investigated that at the time I would have just projected my annoyance at the slight on my marriage rather than discuss the rational behind his advice. That would not have been especially constructive for anyone and would have made me look like a bit of an idiot.

So, what did I learn? To think before I discuss some matters. A bit of time and reflection gives a bit of prescriptive. To ensure the couple understand the vows before the wedding (and even have a choice). To try not to project my way of being married onto others; what works for spot and I may not work for others. To remember I am there to walk with others through good and bad. I am not a councillor and that is a different role which I am not trained for, but know where people could get counselling if necessary.

That's not too bad to start with!