Lonely

I had to fill out a form for the Church of Scotland called a Background Information form. How this will be used, I do not know, but it's done now.

One of the questions was what thing in your life do you regret the most. I'm lucky; I do not have one big regret. I know I have made some poor decisions and done some dubious things, but there's nothing that I truly regret.

But, that got me thinking about poor choices I've made. A few years ago, before I met my husband, I was very lonely. I couldn't see and phone my friends as often as I used to, for a variety of reasons. As a consequence, I said things that actually pushed them away further. Looking back, I think I was justifying their loss. It may have been a little like a bereavement, as crazy as that sounds.

For a while, I didn't hear from one of my closest friends (who was the one I pushed the furthest) for a very long time. Another kept in touch. I think she realised I was lonely and that I needed the support. Another walked away and I can’t say I blame her.

Fortunately, when my husband came into my life, he helped me grow and showed me I am worthy of friends and love. This allowed me to re-build my friendships I thought I had lost.
On reflection, though, I have never properly apologised to my friends for the way I treated them. I know they must have forgiven me, as in some ways we are closer. But everytime I am with them, a little bit in the back of my mind thinks of the hurt I caused them. I need to apologise and thank them for their support in order that I may finally forgive myself