Restoring my soul

With the events and soul searching of the last couple of weeks, I felt I needed a little time to do something I enjoy. I love bird watching. Always have done. I can watch them for hours. I'm no expert, though I have picked up a reasonable knowledge of some species.

I went to Vane Farm today. It's an RSPB reserve near Kinross. This time of year, it's teeming with geese over-wintering there. I was only there for an hour or so. It was exceptionally windy and it started to rain very heavily as I was leaving, so the birds were keeping their heads down. I just had to look more carefully.

Just sitting in the silence. Watching. Waiting. Observing. Letting the thoughts of the past few days drift away and concentrating on watching the birds go about their business.

I also took a few photos of the surrounding hills steeped in snow with rain clouds all around. It was spectacular watching God's creation and letting it restore my soul.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any photos of the birds today. They were to hunkered down and far away. So, I've posted one I took last year of a blue tit attending it's young.

Feeling Better

I've just returned from a meeting with my supervisor. I can safely say it was one of the best (if briefest) meetings we've had. The meeting was instigated by me on the back of last Wednesday's meeting and my feelings as a result of it.

We discussed my feelings before, immediately after and since the meeting. I explained how I'd become very annoyed and disapointed with myself. I felt I'd let myself, his church and God down. He reasured me by telling me no-one's perfect - we all make mistakes.

I hoped I'd learnt more about myself. My need to listen and not be wound up, whether it is intentional or not. My supervisor thought this was a good way of looking at it, as the CFA is about learning yourself.

I now feel so much more positive about my call, myself and my placement church. I saw God's grace tonight.

Putting my money where my mouth is.

I'm very much anti the proposed third new runway at Heathrow. Not only for environmental reasons, though they do come into it, but social too.

A whole village, several schools and a cemetery are to be obliterated to make way for the runway and the associated infrastructure it will need. All this for the benefit of whom?

Apparently, there is a business case for it. I'm sure BAA have a business case - if they didn't they wouldn't want a third runway. As I read yesterday, business travellers want good links to China, India and USA. They don't need 20 flights per day to Paris!

The economy needs it. Well, I may be naive, but surely improving public transport throughout the UK would bring a greater benefit. People could use the improved public transport to get to better jobs and training opportunities. That, in turn, would boast the economy and, more importantly, the lives and prospects of some of the most disadvantaged in the UK. Just a thought.

Anyway, in order to put my money where my mouth is (so to speak) on this matter, I've signed up to be one of the benefited parties of the piece of land Greenpeace has bought right in the middle of the proposed development. The scheme's called airplot and more information can be found be clicking here.

It might not stop the development or hold it up, as Greenpeace hopes. But if enough people sign up to the airplot scheme, it will send a clear signal to the government and BAA that the general public sees through their reasons and does not want this expansion.

Wrong End of the Stick

The past week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. Last Wednesday's meeting left me angry, frustrated and unvalued - in some ways I lost respect for the minister and congregation of my placement church. Since my conversation with my supervisor on Sunday I see the members of the fellowship group had the same feelings towards me as I had to them. I really can't blame them.

I've also been reading "Called or Collared" by Francis Dewar. One part I read shortly after Sunday's conversation was about self-awareness and analysis. Dewar wrote to think of the traits you find most annoying and difficult to deal with in others. He claimed often those traits we most dislike in others we show ourselves.

It is painful to think about, but I know I need to. Okay, we all have rough edges (and I'll be the first to admit some of mine are particularly rough), but I need to be aware of them and how others perceive me as a result of them. I also have to learn how to grow and change in God, so the roughness becomes smoother.

As much as it pains me to write this, Dewar is right. I think most of the traits I dislike in others manifested themselves in me at Wednesday's meeting - appearing opinionated; not listening to others views; cutting across people; dominating the discussion etc, etc. Now I am aware of my flaws in a way I hadn't really thought about before or realised. I'd perhaps intellectually known my flaws, but not fully taken then to heart.

Strangely, though, when I first went to the minister at my home church to let her know I was going to the enquirers' conference as I feel called to ministry, one thing I said to her was I can think of 101 reasons why I shouldn't be one. The way I reacted at the fellowship meeting epitomised those very reasons.

The more I reflect on my flaws/bad traits, the more I think maybe I've got my calling completely wrong. How can I minister to people when I don't appear to listen? A congregation will not trust me if they don't think I'll listen to their views.

Bizarrely, I believe (and this is in no way justification for "losing it") part of my problem is I've been concentrating on the flaws as I perceive them in both my supervisor and placement church. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. The more I see "flaws", the more flaws I see. You know the thing - someone tells you a colleague is lazy. They turn up late once. You don't ask why and see that as proof of their laziness. Perhaps the congregation which have seen me in "action" at meetings now think that. I've cut across them and not listened, so even if I don't do those things, but they perceive me to be doing them, they will think less and less of me. I trust I can redeem myself.

Until the dressing down from my supervisor, I had been going at this process with the wrong state of mind, in many respects. I saw the extended enquiry and co-ordinated field assessment as a means to an end (i.e to get to the selection conference). The CFA isn't about my placement church, it is about me. Now I see it is an opportunity for me to grow, learn, be challenged and listen to what others and God say to me. I hope and pray my gifts for ministry will be demonstrated.

Looking through the mist

I'm writing this with a heavy heart. I have been thinking about Wednesday's meeting a lot. Also, my supervisor pulled me up for the way I reacted at the time.

I think - no, I know - I didn't handle the situation well. I didn't listen as well as I should have. I cut across people and didn't make it clear I had listened to their opinion. I know other people cut across me first and that is why I reacted badly. I should have let it go or found a better way to deal with it.

I know my supervisor feels one thing I am not showing him is my ability to take part in a group discussion. I also know I can take part in a group discussion very well, but he is writing my report and needs to see I can do it.

I feel I don't know what I need to do to make it better and to show my supervisor I can listen well in groups and get my opinion over without alienating the entire group. At the moment, I feel I'm on a loch in the mist. I can roughly see where land is, but I can't see the way round the obstacles on the route to safety.

I pray for guidance and strength to understand myself. I also pray for help in dealing with a group discussion in a mature, caring and respectful manner.