In 20 years time

Occasionally, I wonder why I'm doing all this stuff. Pulpit supply at Quarry Kirk, pastoral care at the Big Kirk and an honours year at university. Will it pay off? Will it be useful in ministry? Will I have done enough to proceed to my next stage of training?

Perhaps I should have not asked my presbyter for something to 'keep my hand in' this year. Then I wouldn't have to prepare and lead worship almost every Sunday. But I have made a commitment to do it. A commitment I have made to the congregation at Quarry Kirk, who could do with someone showing a bit of commitment. Yet, in that commitment, I know there will be an end point, which I have already intimated. I need a bit of time between it and probation. Time for exams. Time for me. Maybe even time for a holiday.

Then there's my pastoral care stuff. It seems to be going well, though I know my supervisor has given me some tough visits. Not because of the people, but the situations. I came away the other day totally drained. Never felt that tired after a pastoral visit before. It was the only one I'd planned doing that day, but I'm glad it was. I couldn't have gaily skipped off to another one. Needed time to think, reflect and read a bit of Game of Thrones. A lesson, if one were to be had, is to not knowingly go from a hard/difficult pastoral situation to a joyous one. The swings emotionally could be emotionally draining.

There is a niggle (sometimes) that come June, my annual reviewers will not think I've met their criteria. Again. I know my current supervisor thinks I am doing enough. But she won't be in that meeting. No point doing anything but getting on with it till the time comes.

Time, what is that? All through uni I've wondering if I'm doing or reading enough. Got by so far. Actually, more than got by. But, I wonder, in the grand scheme of things, does it matter? Yes, I need a BD or equivalent to be a minister in the Kirk, but in 20 years time, will it really matter if I have a first (which is so not going to happen) a third or an ordinary degree? Yes, there will be congregations who may wish a certain level of academic achievement, but I can honestly say I doubt I'd feel called them.

And then I remember why I am doing this all. Because God has called me. God knows why he has, but when I'm leading worship or listening to someone's worries in their home, I know I am exactly where he needs me to be. Maybe in 20 years time this year I will look back and see how he was looking out for me and shaping me to he eternal glory - which ties in neatly with 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (in my head, at least).