An odd, exciting, path

I've now been 'locuming' at Quarry Kirk since the beginning of September. The way things have worked out, due to other commitments and at least one Sunday a month 'off', I've now lead worship there about 9 times. Yet, though I've been there for a while, things didn't seem right and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I suspect - actually, know - that the repercussions of my annual review meeting were affecting my ministry. I had lost confidence in my ability (and, I suppose, wondered why I was bothering doing extra stuff). A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks, especially, to help get my mojo back. People who don't really know me (and haven't seen me lead worship or do ministry stuff) saying I'm very talented; another person telling my husband "your wife is lovely"; getting good marks in course work for uni, to name a few.

But, at Quarry Kirk things just didn't feel right. I do 'do' things a bit differently, yet not. It's hard to explain, you'd have to come to a service to see what I'm like, but I'd describe it as informal formal, with conversation. It's just how I am and I keep being told I have to be who I am (though I sometimes wonder if 121 really mean that). It's perhaps taken Quarry Kirk a while to get used to me. Initially I thought that strange, as Railway Crossing and First Stop churches twigged to (and liked) me within a couple of Sundays. Then it occurred to me they were more used to different people leading worship than Quarry Kirk were - the latter had had a reader attached, which provided consistency.

Looking back, and being very honest, I haven't been myself. I've been overcritical and/or wondering why I bother. Somehow, with the positive things I've been hearing, yesterday that was back more. And people seemed to respond to it. There seemed to be more engagement with what I was doing. A couple of people, who don't usually say anything on the door, said how much they enjoyed worship. So, looks like I might be regaining my mojo. So long as it helps point people to God and not to me, it's all good.

To add to me sense of being rebuilt, I was talking to a friend last night. We met at assessment conference and, though we can go months without seeing each other, have always got on like we've known each other for years. Though a year ahead of me, many of the things I had been questioning myself about (most notably, being very direct) was something she identified herself as being. It was actually a great boost to know there's someone in probation who does that and is loved and appreciated for her ministry, as I hope I will be.

So, onwards and upwards. Exams loom, though there's only 2 and they are well spread out. There are a lot of things I'm doing at the moment, but they all seem to be coming together as great experience and a rich blessing for me. Just shows, the path may be an odd one God seems to be leading me down, but it's there and it's exciting. I just need to trust and follow (and smile and laugh and wonder and be amazed). Amen to that.