Questions

Following on from yesterday's post, I'm going to post questions about ministry, call etc as and when they come to me. They may be random, silly or exceptionally deep, but they are questions I need answered. I don't expect anyone who reads my blog to answer them, though your thoughts and comments are always appreciated. No, as this is my journal I need to write these questions down here so, when I have my next meeting with my assessor, I can ask them.

So, to beginning with:

• How do you make sure ministry doesn't dominate your life? I don't mean that in a negative way, but it would be very easy to be "on call" 24/7. Some of the best ministers I've met make sure they have time for themselves, their family and friends every week.
• How do I learn how I deal with conflict? If I don't deal with it that well, how do I learn to deal with it more appropriately?
• How do you get used to other people's tea? I like mine like my men - hot, strong and with a wee splash of milk.
• How did my assessor and other ministers/deacons/readers feel their call and know where their call was leading them? I think this would really help me find the words I need to express my call.

That's all that come to mind now. It's not until mid-August I met with my assessor as she's on holiday. At least if I've written them down there's more chance I'll ask. Oh, and at our next meeting, I'll be honest about how I am.

Updates

A lot's been happening over the last couple of weeks and I've not really had a chance to write about them.

On the Sunday immediately following my last meeting with my local assessor, I led the prayers of intersession and dedication. Once I'd written my drafts I forwarded copies to my assessor for her feedback - this is something she encourages from her worship groups. She gave me a little bit of a pointer on my intersession prayer, as it didn't fully tie into the theme of the service. Not too much advice, but enough that I know I was coming from the right direction.

The prayers seemed to go well. My delivery was okay - I both felt that and my assessor and some of the congregation also commented on this. After the service my assessor thanked me of my contribution to the service. This is something she always does and it makes me feel appreciated and acknowledged. I also know if things hadn't gone well she would let me know, in order that I would learn from my mistakes. All in all, very positive.

Last Friday, there was a games night at my placement church. I didn't really know what this would involve, but I went along partly out of morbid curiosity and partly to reassure myself I do get on with a range of people in different circumstances. My last local assessor stated he had seen no evidence for this and that had worried me and since I read that I have possibly been overanalysing every encounter. Not great for my self esteem!

The night was a good laugh and great bit of fellowship. About 25-30 people were there during the course of the evening, ranging in age from 3 - 80s. Many different board games were played. It didn’t matter what age you were everyone mixed and interacted in a loving and kindly manner.

Over last weekend I wasn't expected at my placement church, as I had a busy weekend. My assessor was perfectly okay with this and emphasised there was no obligation for me to attend every Sunday. That said, I still wanted to attend worship at my placement church, as I could observe their worship and be part of their fellowship. I find when things are most hectic that's when I need worship and fellowship the most.

Always over last weekend I was at one of my closest friend's hen nights (just a meal with the girls). Her wedding rehearsal was on the Sunday afternoon. I attended that as she'd asked me to do one of the readings and my hubbie and I were official photographers and we wanted to recce the church and discuss with the priest what photos would be appropriate during the ceremony.

The wedding itself (on Monday) was a really good, if tiring day. My hubbie took me to the bride's house so I could take getting ready photos. He then headed to the venue to get shorts of some of the guests turning up and the groom with his best man etc.

We were on our feet most of the day and it was really intensive (it was my first "official" wedding and my last!). That said, I did enjoy the photography pat of the day and, as I don't like getting my photo taken, I find carrying a decent SLR with big lens around stops people wanting to take me picture. Besides, if we hadn't done the photos I have no idea what we would have got the couple as wedding gifts!

Again, the wedding showed me I do get on with a mix of people. Although I've known the groom for a few years now, I hadn't met his close friends or family (he's from Englandhshire!). My hubbie and I share a table at dinner with one of the ushers and his family - we chatted throughout the meal in a relaxed informal matter. I was on my own for a bit of the meal as my hubbie was doing fill in pictures and backing up the memory cards onto our netbook, just in case.

So I need to put behind me the comments my last supervisor made about my communication skills. His assessment of that was based on one meeting where I erred. I have arranged over the coming weeks with my new assessor to be at small groups. I know this isn't the be all and end all and I think my assessor may be a little concerned I am concentrating on this too much. I just need to prove to myself the way I reacted was not the norm. That I have learned from my mistakes and have grown as a result of them. We only learn from what we do wrong not what we do right. That's my experience anyway.

The things I need to find out are:

When my assessor asks how I am what's wrong with me saying "fine"? That's my stock phrase, especially being an uptight east coaster. My assessor at my meeting last night said she wants to see my eyes smiling when I say that. I was really tired last night. Yes I could have told her that, but she's got enough to deal with.
When my assessor asks "is there anything you'd like to ask", what do I say? When ever I'm put on the spot like that I tend to go blank. Should I take a least 1 question written down about things that have occurred to me since our last meeting, no matter how trivial it is?
How will my assessor see the growth in me?

I'm sure these questions will be answered over time and added to. God will guide me through the Holy Spirit as I know He will give me what I ask for in his name.

Paranoia

I was having a conversation with my assessor yesterday about my family's experiences with a life long illness. Overnight, I felt I'd more talked at her than talked with her, so e-mailed to apologise.

She sent a lovely reply telling me I hadn't talked to her but shared my experience. She also said she'd always be honest with me when I was talking at her (or others, for that matter).

So, it looks like something I have to learn is where the line is. I know I can, though not often, be guilty of being a little too knowledgeable about stuff (I do mean stuff - I seem to just know a lot about a lot) and thinking people want to hear. So, I'm self-aware enough to know I can talk at other on occasion, but I need to learn when I'm doing it. From what my assessor said, it doesn't look as though I do it when I think I am. Mmh, I think I'm paranoid after my last placement, where when I shared my experiences, I was accused of filling silences.

Good, another thing to learn, reflect on and grow in during these 6 months. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and being more comfortable with myself. I know my new assessor won't judge me for things I share with her. I always felt my last assessor did. This can only be positive for me and discerning my call. I really think God has given me the best opportunity I could have with this new placement. I pray I am worthy of the opportunity.

Prayers for everyone

I wrote and led the intersession prayers at both services at my placement church this morning (they have a 9:30 and 11:00 service every Sunday). I don't have much experience writing intersession prayers - at my last placement I only once was allowed to led the intersession prayer and that was by the locum. With that in mind, I e-mailed my local assessor copies of it for her feedback. Her comments were great. Good constructive criticism, taking my style into account, but helping me with content.

At the first service, I merely said "let us pray", or words to that effect prior to beginning prayer. I was a little nervous and that is what I have been used to. Although my assessor and I didn't get much chance to chat before the next service, she did comment I perhaps should say more than that, so the service can be followed by all, not just those who attend every Sunday, thereby making the service more inclusive rather than exclusive. Also, we are leading the service, guiding the congregation through it. Properly introducing the prayers is part of that process.

With that in mind, at the next service I properly introduced the prayer along the lines of "we now bring our prayers for others and the world before God". It was different from what I'm used to, but I prefer that. Someone could have just come into church for what ever reason when they've never been before. Properly introducing the elements, but not patronising those who "know" what to expect is a fine line, but I feel it's important to also make sure everyone in the congregation follows what's going on. I will remember this lesson and remember it.

As for the prayer itself. I felt a bit nervous. Yes, it's not the first time I've led prayers, but not in this church. Also, would people hear me, would my words speak to them, would the feel closer to God through listening to my words? I hope so. I received a lot of positive comments from both congregations, which is encouraging. Some asked how I'd felt about it and I told them I had been a little nervous. They said it didn't come over in my voice. I'm please of that as they may have concentrated on that rather than my words. Also, everyone could hear me.

During the prayer, although I was nervous, I felt I was being supported by the Holy spirit. I believe that is why my nervousness didn't come across. I felt the holy spirit more today than I have felt during services I have been involved with as my CFA, even at my former placement. This may be after Friday's prayer, but I think it is also my assessor prayer with me prior to the services that God would be with and guide us through them. It's amazing the difference handing things over to God can make.

I'm not involved in worship next week as a very good friend of mine is getting married and it's shaping up to be a very hectic weekend. That said, I would still like to be part of the worship at my placement church, ever though there is no obligation to be there. Although I've only been there 2 weeks, I really feel part of the church there. It really is a pleasure being there and worshiping with them. Even in a busy weekend, I will always find time for worship of and to be with God.

The right direction (2)?

Since Thursday's meeting, I've been praying and reflecting much more on my call. Why word and sacrament, why full-time ministry? Why me? I know I've gone over these things before many, many times, but this time seems more real, more deep and guided by God.

I feel I have placed myself in His hands in a way I hadn't before. I came across this prayer on a Church of England booklet I found online:

Father
I abandon myself into your hands.
Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me
and all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, oh Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.
I offer it to you with all the love in my heart.
For I love you Lord and so need to give myself
surrender myself into your hands
without reserve and with boundless
confidence you are my Father
Amen

Charles De Foucaul (1856-1916)

While I was praying it, I felt God was pouring His Holy Spirit into me in a way I've never felt before. It filled me with comfort and assurance I am on the right path and all I am doing I am doing in the name of the Father.

Also, I've had a look at one of the readings for tomorrow's services - 2 Samuel 7 1-14. Verse 8 just leaped off the page at me. David came from very humble beginnings to become King of Israel. I came from very humble beginnings too and God has called me to minister to His people. David made mistakes, but God chose him because of his heart. I feel that is why God chose me. I pray my heart is acceptable in His sight.