Paranoia

I was having a conversation with my assessor yesterday about my family's experiences with a life long illness. Overnight, I felt I'd more talked at her than talked with her, so e-mailed to apologise.

She sent a lovely reply telling me I hadn't talked to her but shared my experience. She also said she'd always be honest with me when I was talking at her (or others, for that matter).

So, it looks like something I have to learn is where the line is. I know I can, though not often, be guilty of being a little too knowledgeable about stuff (I do mean stuff - I seem to just know a lot about a lot) and thinking people want to hear. So, I'm self-aware enough to know I can talk at other on occasion, but I need to learn when I'm doing it. From what my assessor said, it doesn't look as though I do it when I think I am. Mmh, I think I'm paranoid after my last placement, where when I shared my experiences, I was accused of filling silences.

Good, another thing to learn, reflect on and grow in during these 6 months. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and being more comfortable with myself. I know my new assessor won't judge me for things I share with her. I always felt my last assessor did. This can only be positive for me and discerning my call. I really think God has given me the best opportunity I could have with this new placement. I pray I am worthy of the opportunity.

Prayers for everyone

I wrote and led the intersession prayers at both services at my placement church this morning (they have a 9:30 and 11:00 service every Sunday). I don't have much experience writing intersession prayers - at my last placement I only once was allowed to led the intersession prayer and that was by the locum. With that in mind, I e-mailed my local assessor copies of it for her feedback. Her comments were great. Good constructive criticism, taking my style into account, but helping me with content.

At the first service, I merely said "let us pray", or words to that effect prior to beginning prayer. I was a little nervous and that is what I have been used to. Although my assessor and I didn't get much chance to chat before the next service, she did comment I perhaps should say more than that, so the service can be followed by all, not just those who attend every Sunday, thereby making the service more inclusive rather than exclusive. Also, we are leading the service, guiding the congregation through it. Properly introducing the prayers is part of that process.

With that in mind, at the next service I properly introduced the prayer along the lines of "we now bring our prayers for others and the world before God". It was different from what I'm used to, but I prefer that. Someone could have just come into church for what ever reason when they've never been before. Properly introducing the elements, but not patronising those who "know" what to expect is a fine line, but I feel it's important to also make sure everyone in the congregation follows what's going on. I will remember this lesson and remember it.

As for the prayer itself. I felt a bit nervous. Yes, it's not the first time I've led prayers, but not in this church. Also, would people hear me, would my words speak to them, would the feel closer to God through listening to my words? I hope so. I received a lot of positive comments from both congregations, which is encouraging. Some asked how I'd felt about it and I told them I had been a little nervous. They said it didn't come over in my voice. I'm please of that as they may have concentrated on that rather than my words. Also, everyone could hear me.

During the prayer, although I was nervous, I felt I was being supported by the Holy spirit. I believe that is why my nervousness didn't come across. I felt the holy spirit more today than I have felt during services I have been involved with as my CFA, even at my former placement. This may be after Friday's prayer, but I think it is also my assessor prayer with me prior to the services that God would be with and guide us through them. It's amazing the difference handing things over to God can make.

I'm not involved in worship next week as a very good friend of mine is getting married and it's shaping up to be a very hectic weekend. That said, I would still like to be part of the worship at my placement church, ever though there is no obligation to be there. Although I've only been there 2 weeks, I really feel part of the church there. It really is a pleasure being there and worshiping with them. Even in a busy weekend, I will always find time for worship of and to be with God.

The right direction (2)?

Since Thursday's meeting, I've been praying and reflecting much more on my call. Why word and sacrament, why full-time ministry? Why me? I know I've gone over these things before many, many times, but this time seems more real, more deep and guided by God.

I feel I have placed myself in His hands in a way I hadn't before. I came across this prayer on a Church of England booklet I found online:

Father
I abandon myself into your hands.
Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me
and all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, oh Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.
I offer it to you with all the love in my heart.
For I love you Lord and so need to give myself
surrender myself into your hands
without reserve and with boundless
confidence you are my Father
Amen

Charles De Foucaul (1856-1916)

While I was praying it, I felt God was pouring His Holy Spirit into me in a way I've never felt before. It filled me with comfort and assurance I am on the right path and all I am doing I am doing in the name of the Father.

Also, I've had a look at one of the readings for tomorrow's services - 2 Samuel 7 1-14. Verse 8 just leaped off the page at me. David came from very humble beginnings to become King of Israel. I came from very humble beginnings too and God has called me to minister to His people. David made mistakes, but God chose him because of his heart. I feel that is why God chose me. I pray my heart is acceptable in His sight.

The right direction?

I had my first proper formal meeting with my new local assessor last night. I feel I learnt more in 1½ hours with her about the assessment process - what it means for me and what the church requires from it - than I did during my time with my last supervisor.

She told me why the Church of Scotland has this process for selecting candidates for ministry - because unless the call really is from God and guided in the holy spirit, it can destroy the individual, the church or both. That makes sense. I wish that had been explained to me at my last placement. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been as resentful (looking back that's what I was) of having to go through the process. I need to show change and growth in the placement; to learn my strengths and weaknesses. Through this knowledge I will learn more about myself, my gifts, my call.

She asked me to tell her about my call. How it came and how I felt about it. I explained it was something that I'd been aware of for around 20 years, but it always seemed to come from other people - "you'd make a good minister", "have you ever thought of becoming a minister" etc. I felt that was others opinions. I did other things, but it kept rearing its head. I'd look for other jobs and again others would suggest ministry. I'd feel a voice inside me saying "no, that's not what I want you to do, you know what it is", so to speak. Then, at the National Gathering last year, when the Archbishop of York called people forward I felt I had to go forward and say "here I am God, use me".

It all seemed okay to me, but my assessor challenged me about it. The church has to be sure the call is God's, not mine or those around me. I hadn't really mentioned God during my spiel (I thought that was implicit, but hay, that's part of the learning I need to do during this placement) and there was a word she'd like to hear I didn't use. I can't think what it was - spirit, submit, minister - and she didn't enlighten me, which is fair enough as I need to find my words to express something that is very difficult to put into words.

I like the way she challenged me. It was a "there are the facts, this is what the church needs, this is what you need to do". Not judgemental or critical. Very positive, helpful and supportive. She even emphasised she wasn't detracting from my call - she wasn't saying I am not called, but make sure you are. That's what my time at my placement is for.

So, at the moment, I'm having a period of doubt. It has been over a year since I made my first steps of exploring my call by attending the enquirers' conference. I had felt God's call for several years, but kept ignoring it, suppressing it, running away from it. The spirit moved me to step forward at the National Gathering and commit myself more fully to God, that He may act through me and I can serve Him in the way He has been calling me for so long. But, after last night, and this is by no means a criticism of my assessor, I don't know any more. Why ministry of word and sacrament? Why not youth ministry, or parish assistant, or deacon?

I don't know (well, I do about youth ministry, but as for the rest?). Perhaps, as I said in another post (here) I am at the fork in the road in my travels with God. Now I must discern which path He wants me to take. I also need to tread the very fine line between knowing my calling and being open to a change in direction.
I feel, in this placement, I will be able to really follow God's calling. I pray He gives me the words to express the calling He has given me. The cross I must carry.

Home Made

I was very domestic this afternoon. I made strawberry jam from the strawberries which have taken over our front garden - great weed suppressant, though. I even used fair trade sugar and some of the jars are years old. Talk about reducing our food miles and carbon footprint

I've been making my own jam, marmalade and chutney since the last recession. Then, I was in my mid teens, money was tight with both my Mum and Uncle being either unemployed or in very low income jobs. It was also when interest rates went through the roof and those with a mortgage really felt the pinch. Anyway, I worked out how much cheaper making jam was verses shop bought and I've never looked back. Nothing compares with home made jam and there's something quite wonderful about the smell of the jam wafting through the house - it's one of the smells of summer for me.

Before the crash back in February, I didn't need help doing things like this. In fact I was probably too independent. Today, I had to get my hubbie to help me out, as I can't safely lift the big pot when it has jam in it. It's partly strength, but mainly the pain I get lifting heavy things. Not a good idea with all that boiling sugar!

Yes, so I've lost a little Independence, but I've gained the knowledge of my limitations and the humility to ask for help. I so often find it amazing how everything works out and comes good in the end. Change is constant, but it is how we deal with it that matters. I pray I can accept change more freely and embrace it, even when it is imposed.