Blinkered

I've been reflecting on my recent posts (here and here) and the comments that have been left you some of you (thank you again for the advice/encouragement). I've realised I'm being slightly blinkered by the "faults" and issues I have with my placement church and supervisor. I need to focus on why I am there - to learn, be challenged, reflect and be guided in my calling.

So, I've been thinking about things in relation to the co-ordinated field assessment and my call. How I've reacted to them and what I have been able to glean from them - specifically in relation too my calling to ministry.

I enjoy participating in worship. I have done readings many times in my home church and, to a lesser degree, prayers too (written and led them). But it's different in an unfamiliar church. I don't know how the new congregation are going to react to my style; whether they will enjoy my prayer and gain something from them. They aren't the congregation I've know for years. In any respects, I felt that influenced my performance initially as I wasn't looking out at familiar faces. Also, I'm being examined and tested to a much greater degree than in my home church. That had made me nervous initially, but I've now accepted it as part of the process.

Now I have got used to performing (bad choice of word, but I can't think of anything better) under very different circumstances - different church, sound system, people etc. I am enjoying that part of the process.

When I'm asked to led prayers I really enjoy it. I get a lot from the preparation and writing of the prayer. Once I set my theme for the prayer it generally flows from me quite well. In many ways, although they are prayers for everyone, they are my prayers. I think I've been a little harsh on my supervisor in terms of feedback. I am pleased members of the congregation have told both him and me how much they enjoy my prayers. I'm glad they touch others.

I am looking forward to preaching in March. I know it will be challenging and very different to anything I've done before. Although being allowed to preach may only have arisen as a result of my initial PDI report, I know my supervisor doesn't have to let me do it. The guidelines are "if appropriate". I assume as he is giving me this chance he does think I am capable. I only hope I do well. Not necessarily in terms of most profound message or perfect delivery, but I don't have the sudden realisation I can't write sermons or stand in front of a congregation and deliver one. I am quietly confident within myself. But, all my confidence comes from the Lord.

Appalling

There were a few things I heard at my placement church's fellowship group meeting last night which I really couldn't believe. To be frank, I was quiet shocked and, believe me, that takes a lot of doing.

The theme of the meeting was "Your hopes for the year". Of course, peace in the world was high on the list. This led us onto a little discussion about the current bombardment of the Gazza Strip by the Israelis. I didn't want to be political in this blog, but I firmly believe what's going on there has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with human suffering.

My personal take on the current conflict, which stated just under a fortnight ago, is innocent civilian Palestinians are being killed by the Israeli army. Yes, Hamas is firing rockets into Israeli held territory and may even be using schools as shields, but that still doesn't detract from the amount of force the Israeli army are using.

Now, I do not condone terrorism and it could be argued Hamas firing rockets over the wall into Israeli territory is an act of terror. However, there is little food, water and basic medical supplies in the Strip. Only the most seriously injured and ill can receive medical treatment and, even then, it is much less than the doctors would like to do. In that situation, if your child was killed and another was dying from lack of food or medicine, what would you do? I know I wouldn't resort to violence, but I know of many people who would. I can't blame them - their children are suffering.

I tried to express this at the meeting and wasn't listened to. I was told about the rockets from Hamas and how they've killed Israelis. Yes, they may have but no Israeli civilian had been killed since the end of the ceasefire. As of yesterday, there were reports of at least 500 civilians killed in the Gazza Strip. It's not defence - isn't defence supposed to be proportionate?

Now okay, they didn’t agree with me, but they weren't prepared to acknowledge my opinion at all. I am quiet happy to have an intelligent discussion where there is a difference of opinion, but only in an environment of mutual respect. In last night meeting I felt I was being treated with the attitude of your young and your opinion doesn't really matter.

The other part of hope we got onto was (brought up by me again) about how can we give hope to those with none? Especially young people - 1 in 10 don't think life is worth living. I was asked how do we give hope? I suggested by giving encouragement. That was talked down as other people in the meeting could give examples of people they knew who'd been given no encouragement in their early years but had still been successful. That's brilliant, but not the norm. I suggested giving encouragement is like helping someone up who's fallen down (hope being giving them a reason to get up). This was the reply that really got to me:

"That's fine, Mrs Gerbil, but there in Glasgow and Edinburgh, if you there was someone who'd fallen at the edge of the road, they'd probably be part of an ambush. Once you got out of the car, they'd steal it."

WHAT!!! Is there something I'm missing here? You see someone needing help but don't offer any as it might be a set up. I can think of at least one occasion recently where I have helped someone out. It never even entered my head not to. The most shocking thing in relation to the statement was it came from my supervisor. Now I see what kind of man and, by that token, minister he is.

Finally (it is okay, I am nearly finished!!!), my placement church is 40 years old this year. The session clerk's hope, which everyone else appeared to agree with, was the anniversary would help my placement church focus inwards. What more can I say…?

Doors

I had my latest meeting with my supervisor last night; brought forward from next week following my PDI. Some of the things he was asking felt as though I'd already been asked about them before, as they were concentrating on my sense of call. I wasn't entirely sure if he was asking the questions to get the "right" answers (I wouldn't have thought there would be any) or to prepare me for those questions at some point in the future. If the latter is true, why doesn't he at least hint at that? I know it's a slightly sneaky way of seeing my reaction and putting me on the back-foot (which, I also know, will happen a lot during this process), but some encouragement could be useful...

I'm still finding his discussion of my "performance" during worship is almost throw-away and not very in depth. Yes, he's been positive, but in phrases such as "Several people mentioned to me that they really enjoyed your prayers". I understand, to many of the congregation, I am a student rather than an enquirer, but I need proper feedback from my supervisor. More than just a one-liner with little substance (and in a form of hearsay!). Okay, people are enjoying them, but what about my delivery and style. What could I change or improve? How could I do it better. I know I perhaps should bring these things up, but with everything we are trying to discuss during our meetings, it's really difficult. Hopefully fortnightly meeting will improve matters.

In terms of my call, I was asked how sure I was I am called to full-time ordained ministry. At the moment, I am very sure. In many respects it feels like the most logical outlet for my gifts. Besides, I've been ignoring it for 20 years, it's not a new thing. I've had plenty of time to think about it. That said, I did liken the various stages of this process, from Enquirers' conference to (God willing) selection conference, as a series of paths. At the end of each path there is a series of gates. I see the start of the path beyond each gate, though it dips out of sight. So far, when I've come to the gates, I've chosen the one marked "full-time ordained ministry" as I really feel that's what God is calling me to do. Having said that, there may come a time where I no longer decide to go through that gate, but take a slightly different path. So, I suppose, I'm open to the call developing and changing overtime. In many respects, I see the path as shrouded in fog but, as I go along the path, the fog's lifting and I can see I've chosen the right path. All on all, I know that going through this process is definitely what God wants me to do and I trust Him completely.

In other news, I'm being allowed to preach at my placement church on the second Sunday in Lent (only once I asked and blamed my PDI interviewer!). I'll start panicking nearer the time. I tend to either do things straight away or wait until the last minute. I won't get away with the latter as I'm to take a copy of my sermon to my supervisor the Monday before I deliver it. Okay, so it can't be the night before...blast!!!

Sweet

I'm a bit of a Doctor Who nerd (I'm just old enough to remember Tom Baker). Looks like the children of my supervisor have realised that too. They let me pick a sticker from their Doctor Who sticker sheets. How cool is that?! They hadn't taken any off themselves yet, so it looked as though I had first dibs. It was really sweet of them too. I must be an okay grown-up then. I don't know, I always appreciate children making small gestures like that. They're completely sincere.

Of course, I couldn't get the sticker to actually stick to anything - typical, eh! I'm going to make it into a bookmark, so I can keep it. Yeah, I'm a little sentimental like that.

New Year

New Year, new dawn.

I'm not a big fan of New Year. I love Christmas, but don't especially enjoy New Year. It makes me really anti-social. Besides, as I get up very early for work on Hogmanay, if I make it to 10:30pm at night I'm doing well!!!

The last year for me has been strange and somewhat exciting. This time last year I would never have thought I'd be writing a blog about my call to ministry. That said, it was the second best decision I've ever made (exploring my call, of course, not writing the blog!). The first was getting married!

I'm looking forward to the New Year and all the challenges and opportunities I will face during it. I know God is with me through them all.

May you have a healthy and happy New Year and know God is with you too.