Torn between Two Lovers

I have to do this exploration at a church other than my own. Why, I'm not entirely clear on, but I suspect it's to give an unbiased assessment of my call.

The ministers and members of my home church know me very well and that is a double edged sword. However, the more I'm at my placement church, the more I miss my home church. It's not just the familiarity, but the true fellowship, that I feel lacking at my placement.

The call to ministry is very strong and, even at this early stage of exploration, lifts. But, I'm at my placement church not through a call, but necessity. Okay, it is part of the exploration, but (I'm using a lot of buts, don't you think) there's no choice. That seems to be the church in the presbytery where those exploring their call to ministry go.

I have some concerns about going onto my co-ordinated field assessment at my current placement church. Primarily, the ministry also has a trainee reader doing a placement with him. I can't work out how the minister there can do his parochial, preaching and ministerial duties while giving both the trainee reader and me the time we need. Also, if he doesn't give me feedback quickly for the things I've done in a service (see week four), I can't learn.

I just feel this placement might not allow me to explore my call fully and demonstrate to my supervisor and the presbytery rep that I am call to ministry in the Church of Scotland.

I will bring up my concerns about both the reader and me being with my supervisor at my next meeting, but I think I'll keep some of my other thoughts to myself. I am going to have a discussion about locking doors during the service, though!

My husband did point out that the "issues" I'm having with my placement could be part of the call. I think he's right as it's letting me think about the type of minister I want to be and the type of church I'd want to serve.

I called this blog entry Torn between Two Lovers as I have to be at my placement (a bit like an unfulfilled marriage), but want to be at my home church although I know that's not possible at the moment. I pray, with God's grace and support His plan during this period will become clearer.