A Good Conference

Over the time I have been training for ministry, I have been to a few conferences. Firstly, there was enquires conference (vocations conference, as it is now known), then assessment conference and 4 candidates' conferences. Over the weekend, I was at yet another conference, this time the first of 4 for probationers over the coming 9 months.

I remember the relief of knowing I was not 'alone', in my fears, doubts, feelings of not being the 'right' sort of person etc, etc. While there, among others, I met one person who is now also on probation and, told me over the weekend, that she had absolutely no doubt in her mind from the first time she met me that I was called to me a minister. Knowing the journey she has been on to get where she is made that all the more humbling.

Assessment conference I, bizarrely, quite enjoyed. Yes, it was pressurised. Yes, I was 'on' for the weekend. But, there I had a sense all of us there were in the same boat as it wasn't about numbers, but about callings. And, we were all at the same stage, with the 'same' pressures.

But come my first candidates' conference, I didn't get on too well. Due to deferring, there was no one in 'my' year group I knew. No one I had met before at the same stage as I was. In retrospect, I felt overwhelmed, isolated, inadequate and completely out-of-my-depth. Everyone else appeared sorted and comfortable, even those in my year group (though I know know that was definitely not the case!).

So, at that conference I hid as much as I could. I went for walks on my own. I went to my room as soon as sessions finished. I barely spoke and, when I did, as little as I could.

Things got better at the following conferences, as I became more comfortable in my own skin and more aware that the fears and doubts and being out of my depth everyone else was feeling too (well, almost everyone, but there's always someone who seems to be totally sorted). When new people 'arrived' I saw it as my 'role' to look for those who were struggling and (hopefully) give them some reassurance and encouragement.

But I still didn't really 'settle' at them. I suppose it's a mixture of reasons, but perhaps that feeling of inadequacy lingered. Or, my first conference 'clouded' my vision for future ones.

Now, though, that feeling seems to have passed. I enjoyed the weekend. I enjoyed catching up with people, some of whom I haven't seen since August last year. I enjoyed meeting people 'new' to the group - those transferring from other ministries or other churches, or those who have been out of the 'system' for a few years. I enjoyed the support and encouragement we gave each other. The reassurance that what I am being stretched or questioned or probed on others have. With the reassurance we are all in this together.

I think this acceptance and enjoyment of this conference is part of my journey to ministry. Part of my acceptance that God has, and continues to, call me and my colleagues. Part of my journey of accepting that the person who told me in my teens that people like me don't become ministers was wrong. Part of that acceptance is where I am serving probation. Part of that acceptance is the journey I've been on these 6 years.

Funny how others 'saw' that before I did. Funny how others 'accepted' that before I did. Funny how this journey works out. Funny how I just know, deep within me, I am in the right place at the right time for me, for the church, for God's calling on my life. That, I think is why this conference was good.