Yesterday, I felt weighed down by the enormity of what I was taking on. I know I am called to ministry. I know I am following God's path for me, but is much has gone on over the course of the conference I am wondering if I have really got what it takes.
It really struck home to me when the moderator spoke to us. Different people took different things from that session. I took the importance of good leadership, of building up relationships, of enabling and encouraging others, in and outside the church. It really resonated with me, but I don't know if I have the gifts to do it.
The challenge of compassionate leadership was echoed throughout the day's presentations. The importance of walking with those we will encounter. Of being non judgemental. Of showing God's love in the worst situations humanly imaginable. To say it is an enormous task is an understatement.
I know it is not possible without God with me. I know he leads me where I may not want to go. Yesterday, I felt that's exactly where I am begin led. And it scares me. And that makes me feel inadequate to undertake that task. I just have to remember God will carry me when I am lowest. When I think I can't do it, he will walk beside me.
I just have to keep focusing on what I know. I am on this journey because I trusted God. I must keep trusting and recalling his promise to me. "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).Since I first heard that passage speaking to me, I have held onto the faith God is preparing the way for me and I should not, I will not give up.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Candidates' conference day 4
The things I got most from, yet found most challenging yesterday, were the presentations from Richard Frazer about the work Greyfrairs church in Edinburgh are doing and that of world mission.
It's amazing to see and think how making links with people in a city and around the world can have such life changing effects. All this through the kirk, both locally and nationally, looking beyond itself. Looking at the bigger picture and showing God's love in action to those who may never come to church. The very types of people who Christ sought out.
I know community based work is something I am increasing feeling called to lead and facilitate. I don't know how that will manifest itself, but I am passionate about the church, and I mean that as the body of Christ, reaching beyond itself. Yet, I find that prospect daunting. I am a very small insignificant person in the life of the church. How can I make a difference? How can I make this part of the church I minister to (if it isn't already part of their mission)?
So many questions. So much to think and reflect on. So I have prayerfully left it in God's hands.
It's amazing to see and think how making links with people in a city and around the world can have such life changing effects. All this through the kirk, both locally and nationally, looking beyond itself. Looking at the bigger picture and showing God's love in action to those who may never come to church. The very types of people who Christ sought out.
I know community based work is something I am increasing feeling called to lead and facilitate. I don't know how that will manifest itself, but I am passionate about the church, and I mean that as the body of Christ, reaching beyond itself. Yet, I find that prospect daunting. I am a very small insignificant person in the life of the church. How can I make a difference? How can I make this part of the church I minister to (if it isn't already part of their mission)?
So many questions. So much to think and reflect on. So I have prayerfully left it in God's hands.
Monday, 29 August 2011
Candidates' conference day 3
The pace of the conference eased off temporarily yesterday, what with it being a Sunday and all that. We began with a service of communion. It was fairly formal and traditional in style. At least it was nice bread. Very good bread, maybe even from Fishers and Donaldson! I often wonder if it's a terrible thing, while taking communion to have "Oh, rustic seeded bread. This is delicious.". That said, I believe Jesus wants to give us the best, so perhaps communion really should be a symbol of that.
Mission and evangelism was an interesting session. Most people I discussed evangelism with recognised there is a lot of baggage with that word. At it's basic meaning it is the Good News. Such a shame it doesn't feel that way for many, even within the church.
Inter-faith issues. The main thing I took away from that, from the Rabbi who spoke to us, was to know my faith during any dialogue. That will be respected by most of other faiths. From a time I spent in the Edinburgh Central mosque a few years back, I have experienced that to be the case. As the Rabbi was pointing out, he struggles to have these dialogues when those he is speaking with do not seem to adhere to some of the basic tenets of their faith, such as a Church of England priest who didn't believe in life after death. As he put it, that's a pretty important thing for Christianity. If we (of any faith) do not know what we believe, we cannot use that to help others and break down barriers. A very challenging and inspiring session.
The rest of the day was free time. A walk to the beach in the rain with a couple of the candidates was refreshing. I needed to get out and it was good to chat with those in similar situations. I like that sort of sociability.
After dinner, the group got together to be social. That's when I remembered why I think of myself as anti-social. "Please miss, can we not have the piano played so loud you can't have a conversation?" Yes, you are a very good player, but shut the lid. Maybe it's just me, but sociability is being together but not bringing about a situation where everyone does the same thing.
So, too loud music when some people were trying to talk. Then someone produced song sheets. Yes, song sheets. I wondered why this was necessary. "So someone doesn't request a song and we all forget the words". Great, so this is descending into a sing-a-long and it's an all or nothing attitude. It's not I object to a wee bit of a sing-a-long, but don't do it in such a way that the group can't do anything else. It's not anti-social some singing while others listen and//or chat and feel they can join in if and when they feel comfortable. It is anti-social when that is what is happening.
What made it worse was the choice of songs. "I will survive" being regarded as an uplifting one. When I commented "Sitting at the dock of the bay" was a bit morose, I was told I was wrong. HAVE YOU NOT ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE WORDS? "Feel like I've got nothing to live for and nothings going to bring me back home". Yes, that's really,. really uplifting. Grrr.
It's while "I will survive" was being sung I recalled when at uni the first time round, I would get royally drunk to give my confidence when I was in larger groups and it was the group mentality. Really, I was shy and uncomfortable there, but didn't have the knowledge of myself or confidence to walk away. Last night I finished my pint and headed for bed. And I feel much better for the rest, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night's "social night" if yesterday was anything to go by. Each to their own, but I don't go with the herd anymore.
It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today. Now, I'm going to get ready for breakfast.
Mission and evangelism was an interesting session. Most people I discussed evangelism with recognised there is a lot of baggage with that word. At it's basic meaning it is the Good News. Such a shame it doesn't feel that way for many, even within the church.
Inter-faith issues. The main thing I took away from that, from the Rabbi who spoke to us, was to know my faith during any dialogue. That will be respected by most of other faiths. From a time I spent in the Edinburgh Central mosque a few years back, I have experienced that to be the case. As the Rabbi was pointing out, he struggles to have these dialogues when those he is speaking with do not seem to adhere to some of the basic tenets of their faith, such as a Church of England priest who didn't believe in life after death. As he put it, that's a pretty important thing for Christianity. If we (of any faith) do not know what we believe, we cannot use that to help others and break down barriers. A very challenging and inspiring session.
The rest of the day was free time. A walk to the beach in the rain with a couple of the candidates was refreshing. I needed to get out and it was good to chat with those in similar situations. I like that sort of sociability.
After dinner, the group got together to be social. That's when I remembered why I think of myself as anti-social. "Please miss, can we not have the piano played so loud you can't have a conversation?" Yes, you are a very good player, but shut the lid. Maybe it's just me, but sociability is being together but not bringing about a situation where everyone does the same thing.
So, too loud music when some people were trying to talk. Then someone produced song sheets. Yes, song sheets. I wondered why this was necessary. "So someone doesn't request a song and we all forget the words". Great, so this is descending into a sing-a-long and it's an all or nothing attitude. It's not I object to a wee bit of a sing-a-long, but don't do it in such a way that the group can't do anything else. It's not anti-social some singing while others listen and//or chat and feel they can join in if and when they feel comfortable. It is anti-social when that is what is happening.
What made it worse was the choice of songs. "I will survive" being regarded as an uplifting one. When I commented "Sitting at the dock of the bay" was a bit morose, I was told I was wrong. HAVE YOU NOT ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE WORDS? "Feel like I've got nothing to live for and nothings going to bring me back home". Yes, that's really,. really uplifting. Grrr.
It's while "I will survive" was being sung I recalled when at uni the first time round, I would get royally drunk to give my confidence when I was in larger groups and it was the group mentality. Really, I was shy and uncomfortable there, but didn't have the knowledge of myself or confidence to walk away. Last night I finished my pint and headed for bed. And I feel much better for the rest, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night's "social night" if yesterday was anything to go by. Each to their own, but I don't go with the herd anymore.
It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today. Now, I'm going to get ready for breakfast.
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Candidates' conference day 2
Yesterday was an intensive day. With safeguarding training all morning and reflections/talks on justice, peace and liberation theology. Fortunately, while the non-newbie candidates were arriving, there was an afternoon break. I headed for a walk and a trip around the McTaggart exhibition at the St Andrews' museum.
There was a lot to take in yesterday and I know it will take a long time to process. It's interesting and exciting getting to know my fellow candidates and learn their varying theologies. I know I am just forming some of them and I will change and grow in them over time. Who knows where that may lead.
I also went for a 6:30am walk/run yesterday morning. That was a shock on 2 levels. Out for a walk that early in the morning AND running. I need to do something to burn off the energy.
There was a lot to take in yesterday and I know it will take a long time to process. It's interesting and exciting getting to know my fellow candidates and learn their varying theologies. I know I am just forming some of them and I will change and grow in them over time. Who knows where that may lead.
I also went for a 6:30am walk/run yesterday morning. That was a shock on 2 levels. Out for a walk that early in the morning AND running. I need to do something to burn off the energy.
Candidate conference day 1
Spot had been on holiday all week, so drove me to my first conference. That was handy, as I did turn up with more than I would have if I'd travelled with public transport. I was almost late, as we couldn't find his house keys.
The first day was pretty intensive. Lots of new people to meet and get to know; many things to learn. It's little wonder candidates have fallen asleep during sessions, given the intensity of things here.
I realised I'm maybe not as uncomfortable with new people as I used to be. Maybe I've never been too bad, or perhaps this is a gift which is growing in me. Or t may be the simple fact we are all in this together. We may have different backgrounds and experiences, but we are all starting on our ministries to which God has called us.
I had heard cliques can form. I understand groups of individuals will be drawn together for reasons including the university they will be studying at, their ministry (diaconal, word and sacrament, ordained local ministry). I have tried to avoid being drawn, though that will become more difficult as I get to know my colleagues. As part of this, I've been trying to sit with different people at the sessions and meals. Okay, it's only the first day, but others stories and experiences are amazing and encouraging. I pray mine are too.
The speech training was interesting. Maybe I have a strange sense of humour, but there were some jokes the session leader made I just didn't find funny; the rest of the group were ending themselves. I think I've been noticed for that, but I'm not one to go with the crowd.
During that session, we were to practice using or diaphragms. That was okay until we were made, sorry, asked to face the wall. I felt 5, 6 years old and remembered vividly the humiliation of a teacher doing that to me, just because she didn't like me. So, the laughing-it-off defence mechanism kicked in. I kept corpsing. Eventually, I was almost getting it together when someone suggested we sounded like bagpipes. That was me, I lost it. Lesson, don't face the wall and go to your own place with no one around to practice.
Following the last session and prayers, I was chatting with two of my diaconal colleagues. One kept glancing at my scar on my shoulder. I didn't know whether to say something or wait to see it she asked. I waited. I'm still waiting. I have got over my self consciousness about it. I'm quite proud of it, as it is part of me. But please, please ask me. I think it was bothering you more than me. And remember, or think, just think, how you may make a parishioner feel if you did that to them.
At the end of the day, I didn't just head to bed. Big mistake. I chatted with some colleagues for an hour or so and that woke me up a bit much. Consequently, I haven't slept very well. Today is going to be tough, even with the afternoon break.
The first day was pretty intensive. Lots of new people to meet and get to know; many things to learn. It's little wonder candidates have fallen asleep during sessions, given the intensity of things here.
I realised I'm maybe not as uncomfortable with new people as I used to be. Maybe I've never been too bad, or perhaps this is a gift which is growing in me. Or t may be the simple fact we are all in this together. We may have different backgrounds and experiences, but we are all starting on our ministries to which God has called us.
I had heard cliques can form. I understand groups of individuals will be drawn together for reasons including the university they will be studying at, their ministry (diaconal, word and sacrament, ordained local ministry). I have tried to avoid being drawn, though that will become more difficult as I get to know my colleagues. As part of this, I've been trying to sit with different people at the sessions and meals. Okay, it's only the first day, but others stories and experiences are amazing and encouraging. I pray mine are too.
The speech training was interesting. Maybe I have a strange sense of humour, but there were some jokes the session leader made I just didn't find funny; the rest of the group were ending themselves. I think I've been noticed for that, but I'm not one to go with the crowd.
During that session, we were to practice using or diaphragms. That was okay until we were made, sorry, asked to face the wall. I felt 5, 6 years old and remembered vividly the humiliation of a teacher doing that to me, just because she didn't like me. So, the laughing-it-off defence mechanism kicked in. I kept corpsing. Eventually, I was almost getting it together when someone suggested we sounded like bagpipes. That was me, I lost it. Lesson, don't face the wall and go to your own place with no one around to practice.
Following the last session and prayers, I was chatting with two of my diaconal colleagues. One kept glancing at my scar on my shoulder. I didn't know whether to say something or wait to see it she asked. I waited. I'm still waiting. I have got over my self consciousness about it. I'm quite proud of it, as it is part of me. But please, please ask me. I think it was bothering you more than me. And remember, or think, just think, how you may make a parishioner feel if you did that to them.
At the end of the day, I didn't just head to bed. Big mistake. I chatted with some colleagues for an hour or so and that woke me up a bit much. Consequently, I haven't slept very well. Today is going to be tough, even with the afternoon break.
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